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Paco's words restore their emotional equilibrium as well as begin a positive spiral of intimacy. As Bonnie feels bonded again with Paco, she can comfort him. He's endured terror and danger from a civil war in his Central American home country. He describes the power of Bonnie's words when he feels insecure and sad about all the pain from the past: "Bonnie holds me and tells me, 'You are in God's hands.' Her words restore God's peace to me. She does what no one else can do."

In contrast, negative spirals can also spin out of control in a relationship. We can forestall those downward tailspins and help reverse old habits by using healing words, as Walt did with Lee Ann.

About a month after Walt started a new job, Lee Ann went to his office for the first time. As he introduced her to his co-workers, she made a joke at his expense. "As I looked at him," she says, "he looked pained but said nothing. It took my breath away, because I could see how much I'd hurt him. And the joke fell flat, so there was an uncomfortable pause." Someone changed topics, and Lee Ann quickly turned to go. As Walt walked her to the elevator, he looked at her and said, "I love you."

"It hurt to hear it," she says. "I'd expected rejection since I felt as if I'd rejected him with the joke."

 Lee Ann felt remorse that she was capable of putting down Walt to build up herself. Though that old habit held on for many years after that incident, something was broken in her that day because of Walt's unconditional love. Suddenly she saw a crack in the wall around her heart, where deep pain resided. Walt's inspired, powerful words not only forestalled a cycle of rejection, but opened a door for healing in Lee Ann.

We can ask each other for healing words. Asking for what we need is a primary emotional skill. No one can read minds, but I've often heard women clients say, "But he should just know that I want to hear, 'You're a good mom,' after the kids have been giving me a hard time."

 "He wants to say the right thing," I respond, "but he doesn't know what it is." I go on to describe how, when I've felt anxious that our daughter might be irreparably wounded because of my inadequate parenting, I've led Jerry to the couch, asked him to put his arm around me and say, "You are a good enough mom, and God will help us and heal her."

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