Home > Marriage > Spirituality > Feeling Let Down?
Feeling Let Down?
What to do with an imperfect spouse.
by Gary Thomas | posted 9/12/2008
 2 of 6
Lisa and I listened once to a couple's testimony about the difficulties of making their second marriage (for each of them) work. Although divorce had released them from previous problems, it also created entirely new ones: "Jim" no longer had a wife who ran up credit card debt, but now he was married to one who was unorganized, chronically late, and messy. "Jill" had escaped a husband who was frustratingly passive, but now she was married to a man whose anger sometimes got the best of him.
A new spouse might stumble in different ways, but he or she will still stumble. This is the reality of human relationships. Our spouse is human; therefore, they stumble—and not just once or twice, but in many ways.
Once I accept that my spouse will regularly make mistakes, my point of evaluation changes dramatically. When
I embrace the biblical truth that every spouse stumbles in many ways, if my spouse has a bad day, I realize she's acting normally. This means that, instead of focusing on the occasional disappointment, I can be grateful for the positive acts of love: every spouse stumbles, but not every spouse acts so kindly toward the spouse who stumbles. Every spouse disappoints, but not every spouse would put up with me for 22 years! By accepting the negative as inevitable, I'm able to appreciate and showcase the positive evidences of God's grace.
2. Accept the reality of human marriage
During a Sacred Marriage conference, a woman approached me and said, "I have a very difficult marriage …."
"You don't have to tell me you have a difficult marriage," I answered. "That's redundant!"
It took a while for my meaning to sink in, but eventually it did, and the woman smiled.
Because of the reality of sin, every marriage has difficult moments. We're not marrying gods and goddesses! We're marrying people that the Bible promises will mess up in many ways. How can such a marriage possibly be easy?
My wife and I are in a difficult season at the moment.
I travel about 100 days a year, so I come home tired, wanting someone to take care of me and allow me to relax. My wife is a single mom about 100 days a year, so she hangs on until her husband comes home, wanting someone to take care of her and allow her to relax.
Life isn't always easy.
Once I accept that marriage is inherently difficult, I'll no longer resent it when my marriage is difficult.
Disappointment and a lack of respect are often birthed out of unrealistic expectations. It's not fair to compare your marriage to something you've seen in a movie or read about in a novel—that marriage isn't real. And even if you see a seemingly ideal marriage at church, you don't know what's really going on during less public moments.
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