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Empathetic listening may require you to ask questions to make sure you're hearing correctly what your spouse is saying. A husband might ask, "Are you saying you want me consistently to take out the trash without your asking?" to which she responds, "Yes. When I have to ask, I feel as if I'm being your mother. And I'd like you to take it out after supper and not leave it until the next morning so the kitchen doesn't smell." Now that he understands her, he can affirm her desires by saying, "I hear what you're saying and it makes sense. I think I can do that. The only problem I see will be Wednesday nights when I have to leave quickly in order to go to a meeting. Would it be possible for you to take out the trash that night?" Chances are she'll agree and the new "garbage removal program" brings harmony to their relationship.

When you affirm your spouse's perspective, then you can share yours and together you can negotiate a solution that will respect both of your ideas and feelings.

The most common mistake couples make while trying to resolve conflicts is to respond before they have the full picture. This inevitably leads to arguments. When people respond too quickly, they often respond to the wrong issue. Listening helps us focus on the heart of the conflict. When we listen, understand, and respect each other's ideas, we can then find a solution in which both of us are winners. When a husband and wife lovingly seek solutions to conflicts, they find the harmony and teamwork they're ultimately trying to build.

Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., author of Everybody Wins: The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts Without Arguing (Tyndale House), has been married 45 years to Karolyn.

Copyright © 2007 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.

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