Home > Marriage > Emotions > When Mr. Fix-It Won't Do
When Mr. Fix-It Won't Do
After my wife miscarried, I realized she needed something from me that was different from my normal responses.
by Bob Perry | posted 9/12/2008
 2 of 3
It's important to remember that, more than anything else, your wife needs you to hold her up during this time. Many marriages have been irreparably damaged after a miscarriage because of a husband's inability or unwillingness to do just that. She needs support and encouragement. She needs non-sexual affection that she'll probably be unable to return. It may be as simple as a card, flowers, a note left on the sink, or an extra phone call from work during the day.
Your wife wants to know you're grieving too
If the pregnancy was difficult to achieve, or if it was a late-term or recurring miscarriage, you too may feel an unbearable burden. Friends and family may offer condolences and support to your wife and never look your way. But that doesn't mean you should hide your emotions. Share your grief with your wife. She needs to know you're hurting too. Realizing she isn't alone may help her overcome her feelings of anger or despair.
You can't make the pain go away
The pain that comes in dealing with such a traumatic event doesn't subside easily or quickly. For your wife it may never disappear. Family scientists at the University of Nebraska found that, even 42 years after the loss of a pregnancy, emotional side effects still lingered with some women. On top of the psychological aspects, she also receives a physically graphic reminder each month when her menstrual cycle returns. This can reignite emotions she's begun to conquer.
No matter how deeply you share the grief with your wife, you may find it difficult to understand the length of time she clings to it. After contending with months of unprovoked emotional outbursts, I found it easy to become impatient with her. There was a tendency to challenge her to "get over it." You may feel the need to escape the emotional crucible, then feel guilty for doing so. At times I would clam up or simply leave the room, frustrated that there seemed to be nothing I could do or say to help. There wasn't. And that's the point.
Patience is paramount. This flies in the face of the normal male tendency to try to fix things and put them behind you. Men are wired to solve problems. But this is one problem you just can't fix. Indeed, there may be absolutely nothing you can say that helps. If you insist on being profound, concentrate on being a profoundly good listener.
The tragedy of miscarriage can tear your marriage apart. It can also force you to turn toward each other for support. More than 60 percent of couples who have experienced miscarriage report their marriage to be stronger afterward. This was certainly true in our case.
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