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The Gospel Truth
How did I miss what Jesus had to say about me and my marriage?
Gary D. Chapman
 1 of 3
Someone once told me that marriage is like flies on a window pane. The flies on the inside are trying to get out and those on the outside are trying to get in.
I can identify with that picture. For months leading up to my wedding, I could hardly wait to be married. I was in graduate school, and I dreamed about how wonderful marriage was going to be. I had visions of coming home in the evening and studying in our apartment. I could picture her sitting on the couch; when I'd finish studying, I'd look up and our eyes would meet. Won't that be wonderful? I thought. A wife right there in the apartment!
After we got married I discovered my wife didn't want to sit on the couch and watch me study. While I worked she'd go downstairs and socialize with people in the apartment complex. And I'd think, This is just like it was before we got married. The only difference is my dorm room was a lot cheaper than this place.
Before we got married I had this vision that at 10:30 every night we'd go to bed together. Going to bed every night with a woman. Wow!
After we got married, however, I discovered it had never crossed her mind to go to bed at 10:30. At that time of night she was just getting back from visiting the neighbors and wanted to read a book until midnight.
I thought, Why didn't you read while I was reading? Then we could go to bed together!
Before we got married I had the idea that everybody gets up when the sun gets up.
After we got married I found out my wife doesn't do mornings.
It didn't take me long not to like my wife, and it didn't take her long not to like me. And we succeeded in being utterly miserable.
Everyone told me that if you're a Christian and in love, then in marriage you'll be happy. Well, I was a Christian and I was in love—at least before I got married I was in love. But I was a long way from happiness. My Christian view of marriage wouldn't allow me to entertain the thought of divorce, though I fully understood why others would pursue that option.
Woman, I am your leader
Being a problem-solver by nature, I set out to convince my wife that we could have a good marriage if she'd just listen to me. But she wasn't open to my ideas. Although we often argued over issues, most of the time we lived in silent suffering. I know what it is to be married and have the recurring thought, I married the wrong person. How could I have made such a huge mistake? Surely if she were God's choice for me, things wouldn't be this miserable. The thought never crossed my mind that God might want to use my pain to turn my heart toward him.
I remember the day that in desperation I cried out to God: "I've done everything I know to do, and my marriage isn't getting any better. Instead, it's getting worse. I don't know what else to do." I've never heard anything clearer than what came to mind: Why don't you read the life of Jesus?
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