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When Chip and Cheryl came to see me, they could see only the negative side of each other. "She never plans ahead" and "He always finds something to criticize" were statements they'd both heard and said too many times to count. Rather than looking for the growth potential in working through the conflict, they found it easier to label and lob verbal grenades at each other.

I challenged them the next time they were tempted to throw out a negative comment, to hold their tongues and think about what they could learn from the conflict to help them grow closer.

Before a conflict arises be aware of the situations that set you up for a clash. When are you most likely to disagree? What time of the day or what days of the week do most of your conflicts occur? What are your most frequent conflict issues? Since most conflicts tend to be around recurring issues, identifying the common "land mines" can help you avoid them or be prepared for them.

Many of Chip and Cheryl's conflicts revolve around timing issues. Chip doesn't like surprises or last-minute decisions and invitations, whereas Cheryl loves to live in the moment. When Chip gets blindsided by a last-minute "surprise," his response is usually negative. When Cheryl feels minimized and rejected, she goes on the attack.

As I worked with this couple and helped them to identify their conflict patterns, they both were able to take responsibility for their unhealthy reactions and understand what they needed to look out for.

Choose healthy ways to communicate your concerns.

Chip and Cheryl's problem was that they verbally attacked each other, which served only to escalate the problem. So I offered them some simple suggestions to make their conflicts more manageable and productive and in the process help them avoid behavior that breeds unhealthy conflict. I encouraged each of them to pick one behavior and work on it for a week.

1. Stay focused on the one issue at hand. When you start to get sidetracked, call a quick "time" and get back to the main point.
   
   
2. Speak for yourself. Try to say "I" ("I believe," "I feel") rather than the more inflammatory "You" ("You should").
   
   
3. Stay in the present and don't bring up past events and old wounds. Even if you feel they'll help you win, in the end you'll lose.
   
   
4. Don't interrupt. If your spouse is a talk-hog or monopolizing the discussion, set a timer so that you each get a turn to state your feelings and responses. In the meantime, keep your mouth clamped.
   
   

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