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You're rattled by fewer mysteries. The first few years I was married, just about everything about my wife, our relationship, and life in general was a mystery. A big celebration was called for whenever I finally figured something out. But now, the biggest mystery I can think of is the continued popularity of Dancing with the Stars. I'll hazard a guess that when I'm married 50 years I still won't have the answer to that one, but then again, neither will my wife.

You find that you and your spouse have developed a spooky mental connection. I used to wear myself out hunting for the tv remote, my billfold, or a book I'd been reading. I'd finally give up and ask for help. My wife would walk in the room, take a quick look around, and hand me the missing item(s). But that has changed. Now, after several minutes of fruitless searching, all I have to do is call my wife's name and suddenly I find the lost item. It's a little spooky, and I can't explain it. But it's sure handy.

You figure out it's a mistake to accept certain statements at face value. Pretty much any guy—even those of us who lack nuance—understand there's a deeper meaning behind "Oh, there's nothing wrong." A successful husband is one who recognizes the unspoken request to shut up and listen. That part is doable, but here's the catch: After you listen for a while, a response is expected. And this is where you don't want to toss out just any random comment. It needs to be the right comment. I suspect that's a skill that could take another 20 years.

You discover there's little that's worth fighting about. If you're like me, you have an urge to make your position perfectly clear. But after 20 years, it's difficult to recall even one argument that brought about permanent change. Let's say you've stated on numerous occasions that you hate it when you hop in the car to rush to an appointment only to find the fuel gauge on empty. I promise you that further clarification—even really loud clarification—won't turn this around. So you might want to leave a little earlier for your next appointment—or consider buying a hybrid.

It makes perfect sense why marriage is an outsized relationship. It has to be big, because you spend a lifetime growing into it. The great thing after 20 years is that your relationship is starting to fit you really well. You've worked out the stiffness, and all of a sudden you're turning up the cuffs only a little bit.

You might still be able to smuggle a pack of chewing gum. But the cantaloupe is definitely out.

Ron R. Lee was managing editor and later executive editor of Marriage Partnership from late 1987 to 2000. He has been married to Jeanette for almost 29 years.

Copyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.

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