Home > Marriage > Communication > 5 Things Never to Say to Your Spouse
5 Things Never to Say to Your Spouse
By Anne Russ | posted 9/12/2008
 2 of 4
Marlene, a Michigan mother of four, and her husband recently put all travel plans on hold to increase their savings in case something happens to his job in this uncertain economy.
"When one of us thinks, We can't afford it," says Marlene, "it moves us into plan mode. It feels good to work out something together."
What you say: "You think your day was bad …"
What your spouse hears: Enough about you, let's talk about me
We all have bad days. Even if my day (in my mind) was worse than yours, that doesn't diminish the badness of your day.
Perhaps you're in the healthcare profession, and you've lost a patient that day. That's about as bad as it gets. You go home to a spouse who's taken the day off work to stay home with a sick three-year-old who has written on the bedroom walls with permanent marker, flooded the bathroom by leaving the sink running, thrown up mashed sweet potatoes all over the kitchen table, and been screaming non-stop for the past two hours. You've both had a really bad day, and hearing that each other's day has been worse is not likely to improve your moods.
These are the days when we most need to heed the apostle Paul's charge in Ephesians 4:2: "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."
Be careful not to interrupt. Each person should have the opportunity fully to talk, cry, or even scream.
Listening with humility and gentleness will suppress the urge to try to trump your partner. When both of you have had a bad day, it should never boil down to a competition. When it does, you both lose.
What you say: "You're overreacting"
What your spouse hears: Your feelings aren't important to me
Is there anything more upsetting than being really upset and having someone tell you you shouldn't be so upset? Remember that the next time your spouse flips a lid.
Keep in mind that when your mate has a complete meltdown or an over-the-top rant about something you deem relatively unimportant, such as, let's say, spilled milk, one of two things is probably going on:
(1) You have woefully underestimated your spouse's concern for and/or attachment to the milk. Or …
(2) It's not about the milk.
Couples are, by definition, comprised of two individuals. So while you and your spouse have common interests, experiences, and priorities, you also have different interests, experiences, and priorities. This means that things that are a big deal to one of you may seem trivial to the other. Spilled milk or the state of the environment or what your daughter wears to school may not be an issue of great concern for you. However, you are married. And while you may not share your spouse's concerns, you do need to share in them.
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