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It's important to understand that this problem isn't "all in your head." This isn't merely a "mind over matter" issue. Countless women have been told—or have told themselves—that and have tried to force themselves to complete the act in spite of excruciating pain. This only exacerbates the problem. The key is to recognize that for some reason the woman has established an involuntary pattern that operates in the same way as a simple phobia (such as a fear of the dark). But the good news is that with treatment it's nearly 100 percent curable!

If you are struggling with painful intercourse, the first thing to do is have a thorough gynecological exam to diagnose and address any physiological disorders. Next, meet with a licensed Christian psychotherapist, preferably one certified in sex therapy (visit sexualwholeness.com to find one in your area), to identify and address any unresolved emotional trauma from experiences such as rape or molestation, abuse, negative mental conditioning from childhood, or oppressive religious beliefs about sex.

Once you and your physician and therapist have addressed all physiological and psychological problems, the final step is to reprogram your central nervous system (cns). This often requires a woman to become more familiar with her body, particularly her genitalia, and with her pleasure zones, discovering what is most pleasing and arousing for her. It may require creating greater feelings of trust and safety within the marriage, especially if there have been angry conflicts over her inability to allow penetration.

In addition to these crucial steps, you'll need to engage in a process called systematic desensitization—desensitizing the central nervous system to its conditioned response. It's similar to when we get something in our eye and our eye reacts immediately (and largely involuntarily) by closing or blinking and tearing up. It's a self-protective, central nervous system-based, muscular response. As anyone who wears contacts knows, however, you can reprogram those involuntary responses to the point that you can move your contact around on the surface of your eye or insert drops without any of the near-panicky blinking responses you'd normally have made.

To overcome vaginismus, the goal is to "teach" the cns that its automatic responses aren't necessary and are, in fact, not desired, to send the cns the repeated message that it's safe and has no need to react in a protective manner. As you reinforce this message through sensory exercises, positive mental rehearsal, and consistent prayer, your body will eventually "unlearn" its unconscious reaction in order to enjoy full intercourse.

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