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Marriage Partnership, Fall 1996
No
Excuses
How to have a great marriage even if you had lousy role
models
by Everett L. Worthington, Jr., and R. Kirby Worthington
Carrie's six-year marriage ended in an ugly divorce-not that it surprised
her.
"I didn't have a chance," she told her best friend. "I grew up watching my
parents fight constantly. I still remember Mom throwing a bag of flour at
Dad. They divorced when I was 15."
On the other hand, Carrie's twin sister, Cheryl, is still happily married
after 13 years. Carrie and Cheryl had the same parents, but they interpreted
the turmoil in their childhood home differently. Carrie used her parents'
angry, conflict-ridden relationship to explain the failure of her own marriage.
But that can't be the whole picture, especially in light of her sister's
healthy marriage.
A number of factors contribute to the success or failure of any marriage.
And while the quality of your parents' relationship influences how you approach
marriage, it's not the sole determinant of your future happiness. These
guidelines will help you break any unhealthy patterns and show you how to
make your marriage the close relationship you and your spouse desire.
Look to God for guidance and support. If your parents had a dysfunctional
marriage, it will be difficult for you to develop a healthy relationship
when you're not even sure what one looks like. But remember, God wants your
marriage to thrive. Trust in him to direct you to the resources you need.
Together with your mate, learn to rely on prayer to break through the roadblocks
you encounter.
Learn from your parents' example. Seldom is a marriage so bad that
a husband and wife could be mistaken for Darth Vader and the bride of
Frankenstein. Even a bad marriage has some redeeming elements. Challenge
yourself to look for the good in your parents' relationship and learn from
what you find.
For example, Cheryl's husband, Doug, grew up with a father who didn't take
his wife's concerns seriously. Whenever Doug's mom would try to talk about
a problem, his dad would dismiss the issue with a "Yes, Dear." Yet Doug had
to admit that his father loved his mother, because every year on their
anniversary his father arranged for a special dinner out and ordered his
wife's favorite flowers. Years later, Doug kept up that loving tradition
with Cheryl.
At the same time, Doug vowed that in contrast to his dad's example, he would
listen with respect to his wife and not brush off her comments with a pat
answer. You can learn a lot about what you don't want to happen in
your marriage by considering what your parents did poorly.
Study successful couples. Shortly after Cheryl and Doug got married,
they became friends with an older couple Doug met at work. This couple served
as a sounding board for Doug and Cheryl as they worked through the stressors
common to newlyweds. In contrast, Carrie and her husband struggled alone-one
possible reason their marriage failed.
Don't try to go it alone. Get to know a few happily married couples
and ask them how they make their marriages work. In your search for good
role models, think about couples who show uncommon courtesy to one another,
who serve each other, and who are honest about their struggles-yet confident
they can be worked through.
Pick up a good book. Hundreds of helpful marriage books are available,
loaded with case studies and tips on what makes a marriage work. Read one
of these books together and then put what you learn into practice. For a
place to start, consider one of the following: Men Are from Mars, Women Are
from Venus, by John Gray; His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley, Jr.; Love
Is Never Enough, by Aaron Beck; and Letters to Karen, by Charlie Shedd.
Expand your horizons. Even if your marriage is going well, consider
attending a church-sponsored marriage seminar, a marriage retreat or a
marriage-enrichment weekend. These programs provide an excellent opportunity
to focus on your marriage and give you time to begin making some needed
adjustments. If you're going through tough times, consider getting counseling
from a pastor or therapist who values keeping marriages together.
Take the initiative in making improvements. It may sound overly
simplistic, but you need to ask your partner what you could do differently
to strengthen your marriage. Often your spouse can detect a bad habit you
picked up from your parents without realizing it.
Listen to what your mate tells you. Better yet, repeat what he or she says
in an effort to clearly understand his or her position. Resist the urge to
become defensive. And remember that small changes can make a big difference.
Prepare for the inevitable times of stress. When tensions are high,
couples are more likely to backslide into habits they developed from observing
their parents. In my (Everett's) family, for example, we tended to manipulate
each other by sulking. Now, when I get stressed out over work demands or
other issues, I'm alert to this tendency. Rather than sulk, I try to work
through my stress and keep the lines of communication open with Kirby.
Watch out for unspoken expectations. You may not be aware of it, but
your parents' relationship communicated certain expectations about marriage.
If both of you picked up the same expectations, it won't become a source
of conflict. Likewise, expectations that you are aware of usually
don't figure into marital conflict. Because Carrie's father drank heavily,
she was determined not to marry a drinker. She and her husband had long talks
about alcohol before marrying. True to their discussions, alcohol never played
an important role in her failed marriage. But other factors, not as easily
identified, did.
It's when you have hidden expectations-and they don't mesh with those of
your mate-that problems can arise. Carrie never talked to her husband about
how she expected him to talk to her or how she thought household duties would
be divided up. Those unspoken, unrecognized expectations were grist for the
argument mill throughout her marriage.
When conflicts erupt over hidden expectations, couples often dip back into
their families of origin for strategies to deal with the situation. If your
parents had poor conflict-resolution skills, you're likely to do just what
they modeled.
Does your marriage have a strike against it if your parents divorced or had
a less than ideal marriage? Possibly, but not necessarily. If you choose
to take positive action rather than dream up excuses, you and your mate can
work together to make your marriage what God intended it to be.
Everett and Kirby Worthington are co-authors of
Helping Parents Make Disciples and Value
Your Children (both published by Baker). They live in Richmond, Virginia,
with their four teenagers.
Copyright © 1996 by Christianity Today International/MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP
magazine.
Fall 1996. Vol. 13, No. 3, Page 5
Last updated: September 17, 1996
Marriage Partnership
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