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Marriage Partnership, Spring 1997
Q&A
Clashing Controllers, the Too-Social Drinker and an Affair to
Forget
-by Jay Kesler
Q- My wife and I are both Type-A personalities, and we've had
a hard time living together without constantly arguing. We both want to be
less demanding and controlling, but it seems impossible. Are there some concrete
steps we can take to do better?
A- As I thought about your question, my mind went to
Philippians 2:6-7, which talks about Christ: "Though he was God, he did not
cling to his prerogatives as God's equal, but became a man and dwelt among
us. And being a man he humbled himself and became a servant" (Phillips).
The significant phrase here is "not clinging to his own prerogatives." Christ
didn't insist on his own rights.
One of the central issues of the Christian faith is the need to shift the
center of our life away from self in order to serve Christ and others. Turning
your life and will over to Christ and deferring to him is a beginning point
for learning to defer to others. A lot of the time, other people don't seem
"worthy" of our deference. But as we learn to defer to Christ, then the
deferential spirit—a spirit that can give in, that doesn't have to be first
or even competitive—becomes easier.
Just recently I was listening to Garrison Keillor doing one of his skits
on the radio. He and a woman were doing a modern love scene. The two characters
were completely willful—each correcting the other, each trying to get the
upper hand. It was humorous, but in a bittersweet way, because there was
no resolution. Eventually, they had to agree that "we'll just have to live
together as we are."
This situation is true of many couples who can't resolve their tug-of-war
because they haven't been able to learn from Christ's example of humility.
Among other things, being humble means putting a loved one's interests ahead
of your own. This is good news for you and your wife: You both have the
opportunity to learn from Christ's example and to live with the power of
his Spirit.
Q- My wife and I have been married six years. Our marriage
is great in every way except one: my wife's drinking. She drinks only
occasionally; but when she does, she loses control and often does something
embarrassing. She is normally shy, so her friends think she's great fun when
she drinks. Since she doesn't drink all the time, I don't think she could
be considered an alcoholic. But I worry about her, and I've turned into the
official party pooper. Am I overreacting by wanting her to drop this habit?
A- Binge drinkers or borderline alcoholics often drink
as your wife does. On the rare occasion when they do drink, they can't control
it. People who aren't chronic drinkers don't see this as a problem, and they
tend to deny the danger. You recognize the problem, and your reaction of
concern and love is appropriate. But helping your wife see the danger in
her drinking pattern will be a difficult task.
It might help to let her in on your "outside view" of what her behavior looks
like. You might say something like, "Honey, you may not realize everything
that happened. But I saw the whole thing, and it was painful and embarrassing."
I knew one woman who videotaped her husband at a party and then played it
back to him so he could see how his language became less careful and more
coarse and loud. Oddly, people on drugs or alcohol often think the substance
they're abusing actually makes them more creative, poetic, intellectual and
erudite. But when they're sober and see how they acted, it's another story.
Unfortunately, most often people like your wife don't listen to their spouses,
or even to counselors. Typically they have to encounter an extremely frightening
or degrading life experience before they wake up to their problem. A friend
of mine found himself licking up liquor off the kitchen floor before he came
to terms with his drinking problem. He had a law degree and was a respectable
member of his community, yet his binges would completely bring him down.
In his words, "I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired."
Continue to encourage your wife with your love and expressions of concern.
But in the long run, it might come down to you being there for her when she
hits bottom and begins to work her way out of her binge drinking.
Q- I thought my husband and I were as close as two people
could be. But after we'd been married several years, he had an affair. Obviously,
our trust was shattered. We're trying to deal with it, but I'm angry and
we keep arguing about the affair. He assures me it will never happen again,
and he even bought me a one-carat diamond ring. I guess the love is still
there, but what good is that without trust?
A- Your letter reminds me again of why God took so much
care to underscore the importance of fidelity and commitment. When those
commands are violated, the resulting hurts are so deep they almost defy a
cure. Rebuilding trust is going to call for more than just your willing it
to happen. It will require forgiveness and a fresh start built on the basics
of your life in Christ.
Don't try to push the facts aside and act as though it never happened. The
best place to begin is with you and your husband each acknowledging your
own sin. Your husband sinned grievously against you by committing adultery.
And you have sins of your own. All of us grapple with less-visible sins,
like arrogance, pride or a lack of concern for others. When we acknowledge
our own sin, we agree that we—like our spouse—are the same in that we are
all sinners. This concept of being on a "level playing field" is important
because otherwise you both will have the sense that your husband "owes" you
something to pay for his sin. (A diamond ring is fine, but not if the gift
is intended to placate you.)
Think about the miracle of the New Testament church. Outsiders watched with
great frustration and wonderment, trying to figure out what could bring together
such a strange collection of failed people to live together in harmony. Through
Christ, these religious leaders, tax collectors, prostitutes and other kinds
of fallen people found level ground and community through mutual forgiveness.
I can't promise that you'll never remember your husband's betrayal or that
you'll both forget the other sins in your lives. But true repentance can
bring you together before Christ. As your husband acknowledges his sin against
you and as you offer genuine forgiveness, as Christ does, you'll begin to
heal. Over time, faithfulness will cover the past layer by layer until the
scar is old and the memory dim.
Eventually, your pain and heartache might even be something that will help
other couples. I call this the pearl theory. Like a pearl develops around
an irritant in the oyster, your mutual love and forgiveness will layer round
and round this hurt until you have a jewel that you're able to offer as a
source of encouragement to others.
As you move ahead, don't underestimate the power of the enemy. Satan will
constantly bring this up in your interaction and your memory. When he does,
tell him, "Rub your nose in this: Christ has forgiven me, and Christ forgives
my husband. We're starting over!" Only Christ can make this superhuman
forgiveness possible.
Jay Kesler is president of Taylor University in Upland, Indiana. He was
formerly a pastor and also served as president of Youth for Christ. Jay and
his wife, Janie, have been married 39 years.
-Jay is not able to respond personally to readers' letters. But if you have
a marriage question you'd like him to address in this column, send your question
to:
Q & A
Marriage Partnership
465 Gundersen Drive
Carol Stream, IL 60188
You can e-mail your questions to:
mp@marriagepartnership.com.
Copyright © 1997 by Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership
Magazine.
Spring 1997, Vol. 14, No. 1, Page 19
Marriage Partnership
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