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Marriage Partnership, Spring 1997
Who's the Head of My House?
If I could find the words, I'd tell you
-by Annette LaPlaca
My telephone rang during dinner last night.
"May I speak to the head of the house, please?"
"That depends," I answered, "on whether you think that's my husband or me."
A short silence followed. Finally the salesman said, "I can talk with you,
ma'am."
Gee, thanks.
Being called "ma'am" makes me feel old. But worse than that, I hate the idea
that one person in a marriage is automatically considered to be "over" the
other. And it's not because I'm what Rush Limbaugh calls a "femi-Nazi," although
I am a 30-something woman with a brain, an education and a job. I cringe
when the concept of "male headship" comes up, not because I'm opposed to
it, but because so few of my friends understand it.
A lot of people from my generation automatically assume that headship implies
some kind of inequality at best and domination at worst. For decades, many
of them have heard Christian authorities present a hierarchical understanding
of headship that bears little resemblance to the biblical description: "The
husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church … "
(Eph. 5:23).
If you back me into a corner and make me say it, I'll confess: My husband,
David, is the head of our home. Privately, I'm proud of this because my husband
is a rare and wonderful man who understands and practices the concept of
servant leadership. Instead of concentrating on the verses in Ephesians that
call for wives to submit to their husbands, he focuses on the verses that
immediately follow them: an injunction to husbands to lay down their lives
for their wives, loving them as they love their own bodies. The result is
that I hold the utmost respect for his opinions, desires and plans and have
no fear in expressing my own.
Publicly, though, I'd hate to tell a stranger that "David is the head of
our home" because I don't think most people would understand the mutual love
and sacrifice those words represent. Instead, they might think of my
tenderhearted husband as an iron-fisted dictator and me as the meekly obedient
wife (boy, would they be mistaken!). Most couples with successful marriages
who adopt the label "male-headship" evidence this type of loving mutuality.
Many of my married friends call their marriages "egalitarian." But you know
what? I hate that term, too. It brings to mind a cold, 50-50 contract. The
quickest way to pollute a God-honoring, mutually submissive relationship
is to start keeping score. An equal, 50-50 split is an impossibility that
leads to constant scrutiny of who is (and isn't) holding up their end of
the deal. Who changed more dirty diapers this week? Who put in longer work
hours? And which work hours are harder, the ones in the office or the ones
at home with our kids? Who's the biggest martyr?
God calls married partners to live like Christ with one another—and that
means two people continually looking for the way of unselfish service. Is
that hopelessly idealistic? For a Christian married to a non-Christian, it
may appear an impossible dream. After all, it could be excruciatingly difficult
to submit to someone who chronically abuses his power, and it would be equally
difficult to lay down your own desires for a wife who disrespects your
leadership. But Christians have to aim for godliness, and we rely on a power
bigger than ourselves to enable us to live together with this kind of grace.
Meanwhile, how am I supposed to talk about my marriage if the most-often
used terms—"headship" and "egalitarian"—seem so inadequate? It's time for
Christians to come up with new and better language so this important concept
won't be muddied with misconceptions for the next generation of married couples.
The language of the business world might work: My husband and I are equal
partners serving as president and chairperson of our life company. Well,
maybe. Actually, the word "mutuality" appeals to me. The passage in Ephesians
5 is prefaced with these words: "Submit to one another out of reverence for
Christ."
Until my suggested lingo catches on, I won't be saying much about who's in
charge at my house. But I'll keep on respecting and submitting to my
true-headship husband and trust that he'll keep serving God by laying down
his life for me.
Copyright © 1997 by Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership
Magazine.
Spring 1997, Vol. 14, No. 1, Page 66
Marriage Partnership
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