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Marriage Partnership, Fall 1997
Work it Out
He's the boss, no, she's the boss
by Karen and Barry Robertson
He said: "She always wanted to be the boss."
Barry's Side:
When I married Karen, I was earning a living by shoeing horses and she was
teaching school. In my experience of teachers, they always thought they knew
everything. And Karen was no exception. Whenever she and I worked on a project,
we usually ended up in a battle because she always knew the "right" way to
do it.
When we were first married, Karen paid the bills. Her paycheck came once
a month, and since I was self-employed, my money came in sporadically. Karen
would pay bills until all the money was gone, and there we'd be—broke. We
ended up shouting over it every month.
After moving into our own place, I planted some trees. Two were mulberry
trees that needed yearly pruning. Karen told me her dad taught her everything
there was to know about pruning trees and she would handle it. I went along
with it because I didn't know much about pruning. Karen said, "You have to
really cut mulberries back" as she hacked away at them. I indicated that
I thought she was overdoing it.
"Oh no," she said. "Just wait and see." I waited three years for those trees
to recover.
If there was an inefficient or difficult way to do something, that's the
route Karen would take. When I'd try to tell her a better way (mine), she'd
get angry and quit. I appreciated Karen wanting to help, but she couldn't
take constructive criticism.
She said: "He always wanted to be the boss."
Karen's Side:
When I met Barry, I was captivated by the fact that he was a cowboy. I admired
his uniqueness and all the things he knew about that I didn't. He taught
me to dance the two-step, how to ride a horse, and how to tie a calf down
for branding. I valued his strength of character and his fearlessness.
As a teacher, I enjoyed having a captive audience of kids who respected me
and thought I knew everything. As soon as Barry and I got married, however,
I found that he was not part of that audience.
When it came to the normal activities of life, such as paying bills, driving
a car or doing yard work, Barry didn't like the way I did anything. He couldn't
imagine why I kept paying bills until there was no more money left in the
checking account, or why I would plan a meal without potatoes.
I've always been a strong-willed person, and I consider my own ways to be
the best. The problem was that Barry thought his ways were best. I'd start
to do something, and he would immediately tell me the way he thought I should
do it. One day I was trying to surprise him by washing his car. But instead
I was in for a surprise. Rather than being thrilled with the gesture, Barry
told me the "right" way to wash a car. I got angry and threw the soapy cloth
at him.
We couldn't work together on anything. It was a constant battle for leadership
between two very domineering people.
What Karen and Barry Did:
For years the Robertsons struggled through every project. "No matter who
did what, the other one corrected and criticized—whether it was driving,
gardening or bookkeeping," Barry explains.
The situation began to improve after Karen attended a leadership conference.
"At the conference," she says, "I took a personality test that revealed a
strong controller (get the job done now, my way) temperament." She admits
this insight came as no surprise. Later, at home, Barry took the same test.
"I had the same dominant temperament," he says. "We were both trying to be
the boss."
To minimize conflict, the Robertsons decided to designate ahead of time who
would take the leadership role in each project. The other would bow to that
leadership. When Karen took over the in-town driving, their on-the-road
relationship immediately improved. "She tends to be more alert in that type
of driving," admits Barry. And they started arriving on time—without getting
into arguments.
Meanwhile, Barry took over the freeway driving. "He's much better on the
long haul," says Karen, "and I love to read in the car."
In the area of finances, Barry took charge of paying bills and doing the
banking. "He had a better grip on the ebb and flow of his self-employed income
and paid the bills accordingly," recalls Karen. "He put me in charge of balancing
the checkbook and income tax preparation, which he abhors."
Barry became the boss in the landscaping department, while Karen was overseer
of the housework and other indoor activities.
"It's not unusual for us to start a new project with the words, 'Who's going
to be the boss?'" says Karen. "Establishing who's in charge up front makes
the task so much easier because we know our roles."
"I still give Karen a hard time if she forgets to write a check in the register
occasionally," says Barry, "and she brings my subtraction errors to my attention
when she's trying to balance the checkbook. But all in all, we have divided
up our leadership so we are doing what we each do best. And we now appreciate
each other more."
Splitting up the leadership so that each of them complements the other brought
a peaceful solution to the Robertsons' tug-of-war. "We are now more willing
to trust each other than we were before, when we were vying for control,"
says Karen.
Adds Barry: "We truly feel like we are working side by side."
If you know a couple with a creative solution to a marriage problem, let
us know. We'll pay $25 for each story that is featured in this column. Send
the couple's name, phone number and a short description of their problem
and solution to:
Work It Out
Marriage Partnership
465 Gundersen Drive
Carol Stream, Illinois 60188
E-mail: mp@marriagepartnership.com
Copyright © 1997 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage
Partnership magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mail
mp@marriagepartnership.com.
Fall 1997, Vol. 14, No. 3, Page 20
Marriage Partnership
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