Home > Marriage > The Early Years
Marriage Partnership, Winter 1997
Marital Vandalism
How to keep a sneaky saboteur from damaging your
closeness
by Les and Leslie Parrott
"You're going to vacuum before they get here, right?" Leslie asked in an
anxious tone as we pulled the car into the garage.
"I've got it under control," I murmured.
We each grabbed an armful of groceries and hurried into the kitchen. "I'll
put away the groceries so you can get started on the vacuuming," Leslie said.
The tension was rising because, in less than an hour, two couples would be
at our doorstep expecting a dinner party.
"Don't forget to light the candles and turn on the music before they get
here," Leslie hollered from the kitchen. I heard what she said but didn't
reply as I walked into my study to look through some "urgent" mail.
Only a couple of minutes had passed, it seemed, when Leslie walked into my
study and in exasperation asked: "What are you doing?"
"Reading my mail," I said, defensively and with the best look of confusion
I could muster. She didn't buy my act. "Don't worry," I said, "I'll take
care of the other stuff."
Leslie sighed and left the room. Five minutes later I heard the sound of
the vacuum in the living room. "I'm almost done here and then I'll go in
and help," I said to myself. Ten minutes later the vacuum stopped. I bolted
from my chair and walked to the living room.
"I thought I was going to do this," I said to Leslie.
"So did I," she replied.
We've all weaseled our way out of our spouse's "to do" list at one time or
another. After all, we've worked hard, we're tired, busy, preoccupied, maxed-out,
whatever. There are a dozen reasons we use to justify one of the deadliest
saboteurs of a healthy marriage: subtle selfishness. It lurks just beneath
the surface whenever we are tired and there's a chore to be done or an errand
to be run. That's when we pretend we don't notice the chore or we "forget"
about the task, hoping our spouse will take over so we don't have to.
Leslie: Subtle selfishness seeps into our marriage in a myriad of
ways. I'm the first to admit I sometimes selfishly hoard my husband's time,
for example. I can whine and complain to Les about his busy schedule but
never consider adjusting my own calendar for his benefit. Or, I might think
nothing of spending extravagantly on a luncheon with one of my girlfriends
and later snip at Les for indulging himself with another computer gadget.
In big and small ways we all squirrel away money, energy and time for our
own advantage, never realizing that we are squandering countless opportunities
for acts of kindness and generosity that would bring us to a deeper level
of intimacy and connectedness with our partner.
The problem with focusing on yourself, no matter how subtle, is that it cuts
the heart out of marriage. We can rationalize our selfish ways all we want,
but we are missing the point of our partnership when we don't pitch in and
help with the task at hand. Subtle selfishness is guaranteed to leave you
feeling more like roommates than soul mates. What's worse, it brings conflict.
"For those who are self-seeking," Scripture says, " … there will be wrath
and anger" (Rom. 2:8). Spats and tiffs are inevitable whenever we squander
kindness and give in to self-absorption.
Les: Are we saying there is no place for making your own needs known,
no place for private time or a kind of "sanctified" self-centeredness in
marriage? Nope. If you live under the same roof long enough, your selfish
side is guaranteed to emerge again and again. But one fact remains: Selfishness
diminishes intimacy. To find the closeness you long for, self-focused actions
have to be outweighed by generosity. The more frequently you look for
opportunities to sacrifice self and serve your mate, the deeper your intimacy
will grow.
It has taken both of us a while to learn the value of self-sacrifice. Little
by little, however, I am slowly surrendering my miserly ways and discovering
the immeasurable benefits that come from splurging on Leslie.
Leslie: I'm learning the same lessons as I adjust my self-centered
desires and work to stop hoarding Les's time. Neither of us is a selfless
saint. But we know we'll never achieve a satisfying, soul-to-soul connection—the
kind that honors God and one another—without setting aside our self-focused
desires and cultivating a generous spirit with one another.
Les Parrott, Ph.D., and Leslie Parrott, Ed.D., are codirectors of the
Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University and the
authors of Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts and Like a Kiss on the
Lips (both published by Zondervan).
Copyright © 1997 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage
Partnership magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mail
mp@marriagepartnership.com.
Winter 1997, Vol. 14, No. 4, Page 19
Marriage Partnership
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