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Marriage Partnership, Winter 1997
What Happened to the Fireworks?
More often than not, we settled for a snuggle and sleep instead
of sex. Here's how we put the KA-BOOM back into
bedtime.
by Cynthia G. Yates
A new lingerie shop had opened at the mall, and Joe and I stepped inside
to have a look around. I found a beautiful, and seductive, nightgown. But
after I'd done everything but stand on my head and whistle to try to get
my husband to buy it, he abruptly ushered me out of the store.
"We're more like friends than lovers!" I blurted out. Surprisingly, Joe seemed
unaffected by my harsh words as we maneuvered our way through the crowds
toward more "practical" stores. "How could I say something like that to my
best friend?" I wondered, mentally beating myself up for my outburst.
We've been married long enough to know the comfort that comes with routine
and profound contentment. We've braved tough times, worked through some hurts
and basically have a solid marriage. We are totally devoted to each other,
and yet, if I had to evaluate our marriage back then, I would have said it
was "made in heaven—sort of."
"Sort of," because our sex life stunk. Basically, we weren't having much,
if any. Only on rare occasions (like the stroll through the lingerie store)
did I wish my husband found me physically—sexually—alluring. The rest of
the time I was content with our evening clutch as we snuggled next to each
other for another night's rest. Night after night.
Yet standing in that store, something stirred inside me. As my fingers slid
through the soft silk nightgown, I thought of my usual bedroom attire—ratty
flannel pajamas. And just as I was caught up in the fantasy of swooshing
through our bedroom in that alluring garment, Joe yanked me in a bee-line
toward the door, obviously not sharing my fantasy. Or so I thought.
Not long after our trip to the mall, we headed north for our annual October
vacation. Little did I know what Joe, who was very much affected by my words
that day, had planned. My meat-and-potatoes man turned our weekend into a
nonstop banquet of affection and romance. He was no longer just a friend,
but again my lover. A love letter (that I will forever cherish), perfume,
chocolate, giggles and a massage clearly communicated that he did
find me alluring. In fact, after we checked into the honeymoon suite of a
lodge in the Canadian Rockies, my husband presented me with the very nightgown
I so desperately wanted. We rekindled a spark that burns brightly to this
day, and we are both determined to keep complacency at bay.
Why had we allowed our love life to deteriorate to the point of celibacy?
The only reason I can come up with is this: We got lazy. Love-making requires
preparation and effort. It's a little like exercise—we hate to lace up the
shoes, but once we've taken a brisk walk through the countryside we feel
more alive. If you've been feeling more like a monk than a married person,
here are a few ways to stoke the fire in your marriage.
Recognize that God created marriage. He designed us for each
other, and intended for husband and wife to delight in each other. Find your
partner's body irresistible to touch, and then do some touching. "I am my
beloved's and my beloved is mine," says Solomon in the Song of Songs. Treat
your mate's body with love and reverence.
Renew your resolve. Make a conscious decision to improve your
sex life. Then take deliberate steps toward your goal: Adjust your attitude,
take care of your body, make time for each other. For example, my husband
knows how I dislike his coarse, day-old beard. I appreciate it when he showers
and shaves before lovemaking.
Run away from home. Daily distractions and routines can get
in the way of a healthy tryst. If you are on a limited budget, consider these
options:
Ask relatives or friends to care for your kids or to relieve you of other
responsibilities for a night or two. Then offer to reciprocate.
Study your address book. Who do you know who has a vacation home or cabin?
Who might be willing to trade homes with you for a weekend?
Check the off-season rates for resorts and motels. Always ask if there is
a lower rate than the one quoted, or a special "honeymoon" package. So what
if you're on your 6th or 26th honeymoon?
If you can't get away, change your routine. Put a bookmark in the novel.
Skip the nightly newscast. Get rid of the notion that passion must always
be spontaneous. For Joe and me, "waiting for it to happen" was a ticket to
failure. Spontaneous sex in this over-extended household is a bit like asking
the circus juggler to pause for a spot of tea. Planned passion can offer
heightened desire because it gives us a chance to daydream in anticipation
of our time together. Also, setting aside a specific time means we're better
able to guard against outside interruptions.
Increase your chances. You love your spouse deeply—right?
Show it by doing things to enrich your love life. Write a love letter, purchase
some massage oil, splash on some perfume, light a candle, play romantic music,
wear seductive clothing. My signal to Joe is sometimes as simple as putting
on that nightgown instead of my flannel pajamas.
Communicate. Tell your mate why you love him or her, not just
that you do. Affirmation is critically important to the health of any
relationship. Sometimes it's during pillow talk, sometimes it's in a crowded
room, but I get a thrill every time Joe whispers to me that I'm beautiful.
Strive for great sex. Even the most rock-solid marriage will
be in jeopardy if a mutually satisfying physical union is left out of the
picture. If you have problems that talking won't solve, seek help from books
or a trained professional. Your marriage is at stake if you choose to do
nothing.
Have fun. Lovemaking is not meant to be a duty; it's a glorious
celebration of God's grace and design for marriage. Joe and I now laugh about
our mall escapade. If you can't be lighthearted about sex, you're taking
it way too seriously.
Cynthia Yates is a freelance writer who lives in Bigfork, Montana.
Copyright © 1997 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage
Partnership magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mail
mp@marriagepartnership.com.
Winter 1997, Vol. 14, No. 4, Page 40
Marriage Partnership
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