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Marriage Partnership, Winter 1997
Q&A
Married to the Job, a Wayward Wife and Malicious
In-Laws
-by Jay Kesler
Q- Since we purchased a business two years ago, it has
consumed more and more of my husband's time. Six days a week he is gone by
seven a.m. and doesn't return home until midnight or later. Our kids are
growing up without him, and I am desperately lonely. Should I urge him to
sell the business?
A- Before you suggest selling the business, consider some
alternatives. For starters, realize that your husband is working hard to
support his family and make the business succeed. Not all men take those
responsibilities seriously. So as you discuss a solution, I hope you'll focus
on the business—not your husband—as the problem.
To help reduce the number of hours he is away from home, perhaps you and
your children could help out with the business. That would reduce your husband's
work stress and also would give you more time together.
At the same time, your husband should seek advice from a fellow professional.
Something's wrong if he is working 17 hours a day. Perhaps another businessman
could offer insights that would increase efficiency and reduce your husband's
workload. When I was a pastor, our staff helped match businessmen with others
who were willing to review their organizations. On two occasions this saved
the businessmen's marriages, mental health and livelihood.
Meanwhile, even though you're lonely, try to support your husband. A few
years ago, an Air Force study determined why some military kids go bad while
others do so well. The essential factor turned out to be how supportive the
military spouse, usually a wife, was. When a mother was routinely positive,
saying things like, "Well, Daddy's protecting the free world. Without Daddy
poor people would be run over by irresponsible or evil people," her children,
despite the regular absence of their father, were much more likely to turn
out well.
Eventually your family may have to sell the business. But first, see if you
and your husband can make it work by making some changes and seeking outside
advice.
Q- My wife and I married ahead of schedule because we
were expecting a baby. In working hard to be a good provider and father,
I neglected to be a sensitive husband. Years ago my wife had a close male
friend. He recently left his wife, and now my wife says she doesn't love
me anymore. She says she and this other guy are only friends, but she admitted
kissing him. Is it possible to save a marriage when only one spouse wants
to see it work?
A- You can't make your wife stay with you, but you must make
your best effort in the areas of repentance and changed behavior, and pray
that the Holy Spirit will work in your wife's life. You're starting at the
right place by acknowledging your past inattentiveness. Maybe you've also
felt trapped, like you backed into marriage. Talk about these things with
your wife, and seek her forgiveness.
The next step is to court your wife again. This might feel hokey, but behaviors
of kindness and courtesy will eventually become more natural between you.
Also, tell your wife, "Honey, I want to do better at being your husband.
What things about me irritate you?" This is tricky, too, because you must
make a good-faith effort to right the wrongs.
Remember what you once had between you. Go back and fan that original spark!
Start doing the things that worked for you in your early days together.
You ask if it's possible for only one spouse to "save a marriage." I think
the Bible's direct teaching for those who are unequally yoked addresses this
concern. If both partners in a relationship are deeply committed to Christ,
they can work through virtually any problem. But in cases like yours, I see
an inequality where one spouse seems to be committed to Christ as long as
it doesn't upset her personal happiness, while the other is committed no
matter how it might affect his personal happiness.
If your wife is convinced that Christ understands her unhappiness and will
eventually overlook a sinful choice, there's little you can do to convince
her otherwise. But your changed behavior might sway her. It might also help
to seek out a third party—a pastor or other authority figure—who might
help your wife realize that God wants her to honor her marriage vow.
No matter what happens, keep praying.
Q- After 12 years of marriage, my husband's family still
makes cutting remarks about how he married beneath him. They blame me for
any minor problems our family or kids have, and I can't take it anymore.
My husband admits his family treats me badly, but he won't stand up to them.
Is it inappropriate to exclude myself from family events?
A- Avoiding activities with your extended family for a
time is a good idea—not just so you can avoid further hurts, but also to
bring the conflict to a head.
Scripture seems to take two approaches regarding this type of problem. One
biblical approach is that, when reviled or rejected by others, you "wipe
the dust off your feet" and move on. The other approach is to "walk the second
mile" or "turn the other cheek." I think you've already been walking that
second mile, and martyrdom isn't working. Beyond that, you need your husband
as an ally, not a silent observer.
The Bible says, "For this cause the man shall leave his father and mother
and cleave to his own wife." Your absence from family functions will force
your husband to pay more attention to this dilemma. He needs to make it clear
to his family that his loyalty is unequivocally yours. Perhaps it will help
motivate him if he views his family's cruel behavior as a criticism of his
own good judgment. After all, he chose you and loves you. He should stand
by his decision.
Your absence from family functions will most likely provide further grist
for their complaint mill. What actually might force a change in them would
be your husband's absence from family functions. Ideally, he would
show up without you and explain, "No, she isn't here. The reason she stayed
home is not that she thinks you mistreat her, but that you do mistreat
her. Your attitude toward her is wrong."
He could offer them a trade-off: "Unless you change your behavior toward
my wife, you're not going to have me here either." He should identify specific
ways of talking or behaving that must change. After being confronted by their
son, I hope this family will respond with apologies, as well as some healing
gestures toward you.
Jay Kesler is president of Taylor University in Upland, Indiana. He was
formerly a pastor and also served as president of Youth for Christ. Jay and
his wife, Janie, have been married 40 years.
Jay is notable to respond personally to readers' letters. But if you have
a marriage question you'd like him to address in this column, send your question
to:
Q & A
Marriage Partnership
465 Gundersen Drive
Carol Stream, IL 60188
If you subscribe to an online service, you can e-mail your questions to:
mp@marriagepartnership.com
Copyright © 1997 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage
Partnership magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mail
mp@marriagepartnership.com.
Winter 1997, Vol. 14, No. 4, Page 68
Marriage Partnership
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