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Marriage Partnership, Fall 1999
The Price of
Advice
Before you act on unsolicited marital pointers,
consider the source
by Alicia Howe
If there
were a 100-percent-reliable manual for marital success, I'm sure it
would have a lengthy chapter on advice. As far as I'm concerned, that
chapter should be indexed like this: Advice (see "minefield").
Taking advice from others and applying it indiscriminately to your marriage
is like walking into a minefield: one wrong step and it can blow up in your
face. I have the emotional shrapnel to prove it.
Years ago, my friend Gail became outraged when she learned that I did all
the cooking at our house. I was working full-time at an advertising agency
while my husband, Dan, was in law school.
"You can't let Dan get away with that!" Gail fumed. "You need to split
things 50-50, like Ron and I do."
"Well!" I thought indignantly. "How could I be so blind, letting Dan cruise
along without performing his share of the kitchen chores? I have rights too!"
By the time my husband got home that night, I was armed and dangerous. I
had managed to fan the tiny flicker of my resentment into a whopping bonfire,
fueled by Gail's input and justified by a vague notion of "fairness."
Dan walked in the door, tired and unsuspecting, and I let him have it.
I would not rest until The Issue of Cooking was resolved, and it wasn't
pretty. By the end of the night, all I had was a houseful of hurt feelings
and a sincere wish that I had thought things through before going on the
offensive.
The truth was, I didn't mind doing the cooking, and Dan handled a lot
of other responsibilities around the house. The "equality" in our division
of chores wasn't the same as Gail's and Ron's, but it worked
for us. What works in one marriage isn't necessarily the best formula
for another.
That's why I'm suspicious of anyone who offers unsolicited advice
about another's marriage. Who could possibly know enough about the complex
dynamics of a marriage relationship to offer unasked-for advice and expect
it to be useful?
Over the years I've grown a lot more discriminating about taking advice.
For one thing, I seek it only from people whose judgment I trust. My friend
Georgia, who has been divorced four times, is not the person I call when
I'm struggling in my marriage. Instead, I might ask Janet. I know that
her value system and mine are rooted in the same beliefs and that her husband
and mine have similar personalities. I also know that she cares so much about
me that any advice she'd give me would be cloaked in love and concern
for my—and Dan's—welfare.
I have found, too, that the more adamant people are in giving advice, the
less valuable their advice is likely to be. Gail was absolutely insistent
that Dan and I needed to divide up the cooking chores 50-50. She was operating
from a philosophical base that demanded equality in its most narrow, legalistic
sense. Her advice was rooted in that philosophy, not in an understanding
of my marriage.
My marriage is too precious to be undermined by other people's agendas.
Humans are fallible, and even the best-intentioned advice can still be bad
advice.
There's no doubt that we sometimes need a sounding board or a sympathetic
ear when we run into rough spots on the matrimonial highway, and I treasure
those few friends whom I can trust to listen carefully. If I want to know
what they would do in my situation, I'll ask them. But I've found
that the most valuable thing they can do for me is to help me choose my own
course of action. I've discovered that most of the time, the solution
to a problem lies somewhere within our relationship, and the best advisor
is the person who helps me bring it to light.
And that's my advice to you.
Alicia Howe is a pseudonym for a writer and public relations specialist
living in Florida.
Copyright © 1999 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage
Partnership magazine. Click here
for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
Fall 1999, Vol. 16, No. 3, Page 74
Marriage Partnership
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