Home > Marriage > Couple Counsel
Marriage Partnership, Winter 1999
Generic Gift-Giver,
Irksome Mother-in-Law and a Man Who Prays Alone
Q:
My husband is the king of last-minute gift shoppers,
and every Christmas I find that I have to struggle past hurt feelings to
feel thankful for the things he chooses. The gifts are nice, but they're
things any woman could receive—perfume, slippers, bath oils—not things
that show he really knows me. I know he's busy, but would it kill him
to make more of an effort?
A:
This is one of those "Mars and Venus" subjects. Hard as it is for women to
believe, it's true that most men don't know what to buy their wives.
The reason you end up with perfumes and bath oils is that those things seem
feminine and expensive—and because that's what the sales clerk suggests
to your husband, who may very well be feeling "mall panic."
I know you feel taken for granted, but try not to link his shopping ineptitude
with his appreciation for you. You say he's not stingy; that's
a clue that he's trying in the only way he knows how to give you something
meaningful.
As much as you hate to do it, you'll have to drop hints—and not too
subtly either. It somewhat defeats the purpose, since you want him to be
creative on his own. But if you get him started in the right direction, perhaps
he'll catch on. Dream out loud, specifically: "I'd really, really
like a getaway weekend at a bed-and-breakfast at the lake; it would make
a good present sometime." "That garnet necklace is stunning, but it's
beyond our everyday budget. Honey, maybe some holiday or birthday you could
surprise me with something like that" (mark the catalog and give it to him).
"More than any present, I'd like an evening out with you at a really
nice restaurant." Or if you collect something, suggest that he find pieces
that you don't already have.
Meanwhile, keep buying gifts for him that require the kind of creativity
and spontaneity you're looking for. Maybe he'll notice, and your
talent will rub off.
Q:
My mother-in-law seems to have so much sway with
my husband, more than I have sometimes. Recently we were considering a career
move that would have taken us hundreds of miles away. My husband's mother
told him, "What's really important to you, career or your family?" The
guilt trip she laid on him made the decision for us. How can I tactfully
tell her to back off?
A:
You can't, so don't try. A friend once told me, "A word to the
wise is unnecessary." The only person (besides herself) who can tell this
woman anything might be your husband (her son). But even that could be a
lose-lose scenario if your mother-in-law gets the idea that you're behind
it. So don't have a conversation that could alienate the two of you
for the rest of your marriage.
Another reason to avoid telling her off is that you don't want to force
your husband into a painful choice. His loyalty to you could cause him either
to distance himself from his family or to have to endure his mother's
punishing remarks for years. He's bound to resent that wedge driven
between you and his family and even resent you, who in some ways caused it.
Ideally your husband should respond to his mom's "suggestions" tactfully
and firmly with a comment like, "Mom, I hear what you're saying. Nancy
and I will talk and pray about this. These are decisions we make together."
In this way he's doing what the Bible says—"leaving" his father and
mother and "cleaving" to his own wife.
Your role as daughter-in-law is a tough one. It may sound old-fashioned to
suggest that you must have a deferential, even submissive, attitude toward
your mother-in-law, but it's a biblical pattern. Ask God to give you
patience and grace to respond lovingly in the face of her tyrannical behavior,
and ask God to soften her heart toward you. Who knows how God will use your
gracious behavior in this woman's life? I've heard of wretched
mothers-in-law who, when facing tragedy or illness, turn to the in-law who
has shown grace and strength over the years. This is "turning the other cheek"
and "doing good to those who despitefully use you." It's loving your
enemy. It sounds like a weak response, but it takes a lot of strength to
respond in a Christlike way.
Meanwhile, build your teamwork with your husband so he gets accustomed to
making decisions, big and small, with your good input. Maybe part of his
problem is that he's still learning how to work as a partner with you.
You can't do much about the mother-in-law, but you should do everything
you can to be a solid teammate with your husband. As his comfort level grows,
he will be more likely to make decisions that are informed by your input,
not his mother's.
Q:
My wife is a Christian, but she feels uncomfortable
praying out loud, even a standard written-down prayer. I've asked her
to pray with me, but she won't. How can we be spiritually connected
if she won't pray with me?
A:
This is a question I've heard hundreds of times. For many people who
have no trouble praying as individuals, it's almost impossible for them
to get past their feelings of privacy, feelings that there's a "sanctity
of soul" between a person and God that can't be breached, even by a
spouse. Give up your expectation that your wife will pray out loud with you.
There are other ways you can be spiritually connected. If she's a believer,
she is praying on her own, so go ahead and share prayer requests with her.
No doubt she'll be happy to pray for you, if not with
you.
A devotional book could be a useful tool, as well—either to read out loud
together or for both of you to read at different times of day. (Sometimes
Janie and I buy two copies of a book so we can read them at the very same
time.)
Perhaps your wife would feel comfortable having a devotional time in the
same room, but separately. Janie and I do this every morning, she being one
of those folks for whom it feels forced to have a quiet time together.
Work on your conversational give-and-take as you discuss movies you go to
and books (even novels) you both read. Reacting to what you see and read
as a Christian brings up spiritual topics for discussion. Connecting at the
head is a short step to connecting in spirit.
Don't be afraid to create a pattern for sharing your spiritual lives
that suits the two of you. It's a cultural, not biblical, mandate that
you must pray out loud with a spouse. If anything, the Bible points out the
danger of public prayer in the story of the loud-spoken Pharisee (whose prayer
sounded holy but whose heart was hard) and the sinner whose quiet repentance
was the real thing.
Perhaps as your wife becomes comfortable with other ways of sharing spiritually,
she will begin to pray out loud. But even if she never does, it's not
a failure in your marriage.
Jay Kesler is president of Taylor University in Upland, Indiana. He was
formerly a pastor and also served as president of Youth for Christ.
Jay is not able to re spond personally to
readers' letters. But if you have a marriage question you'd like
him to address in this column, send your question to:
Q & A, Marriage Partnership
465 Gundersen Drive, Carol Stream, IL 60188
e-mail:
mp@marriagepartnership.com
Copyright © 1999 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage
Partnership magazine. Click here
for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
Winter 1999, Vol. 16, No. 4, Page 22
Marriage Partnership
Home | Archives | Contact Us
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
Try an Issue of Today's Christian Woman Free!
|
 |
|
No credit card required. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. Offer valid in U.S. only. Click here for International orders.
If you decide you want to keep Today's Christian Woman coming, honor your invoice for just $17.95 and receive five more issues, a full year in all. If not, simply write "cancel" across the invoice and return it. The trial issue is yours to keep, regardless.
Give Today's Christian Woman as a gift
Buy 1 gift subscription, get 1 FREE!
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
| |
