Simply Nothing (Sparrow) is the title of Shawn McDonald's national debut, and it expresses what life would be like for him if God's love weren't the center of it all. In a way, however, it could also be an allegory for how life was for McDonald before he met the Lord, at a time when drug abuse and disconnection from his biological parents were consuming him. In an open and honest conversation with Christian Music Today, McDonald talked about his past struggles, his road to recovery and conversion, and the ongoing journey of finding hope and healing.

What about you caught Sparrow's attention?

Shawn McDonald: When I started writing music, it was never my desire to be doing what I'm doing now. I just found this extreme peace in worshipping God. I had a rough past, so when I found the Lord, I just wanted to sing to him. I had this old, beat-up guitar, and I'd get the chord sheets for the worship songs in my church, and I'd take them home and sing them over and over. I loved singing these worship songs, but I wanted to sing my own. I started doing the coffeehouse thing, and little by little I started to gain a following.

You say you had a rough past and then you found God. How did you find Him?

McDonald: I had gotten in trouble with the law when I was younger, and I kinda wanted to escape me. So my grandparents sent me away to college, and got me into an apartment. The kid that led me to Christ lived in that apartment. He started inviting me to church all the time, and that's how things started.

Were you still having problems with the law?

McDonald: I was in and out of jail. I was busted for growing and manufacturing marijuana. I was a heavy, heavy partier, using a lot of drugs. And selling drugs.

So you saw what this new friend was offering to you as a way out of problems?

McDonald: No, it didn't really happen like that. When I got to college, I even got worse. I started selling lots of drugs again, and I basically dropped out of college. I got into a very deep hole. I started using all sorts of drugs, like heroine, crack, marijuana, mushroom—a lot of stuff. I ended up getting busted again, and it was really heavy this time. At that moment, I sat back and figured something was really wrong with me. At that point the questioning really started.

And your roommate was still bugging you.

McDonald: Yeah, my friend was always inviting me to church, telling me about the peace that he had found. I'd listen to him, but I really wouldn't. I thought it was really boring. Spiritual things were always attractive to me, but at the moment I was actually looking into Rastafarianism, Hinduism, meditation, stuff like that. Bob Marley was a huge idol of mine.

I'm sure it wasn't because of his music!

McDonald: Well, I loved both, actually. He was this spiritual man who talked about God, but he smoked weed. That was attractive to me because I could follow God and still do my drug habit. It was a very twisted view.

Did your roommate know about your lifestyle?

McDonald: He was very aware of what I was doing. I would smoke weed the whole day, and I'm sure smoke would just roll out of my room. I had crazy kids over at my house all the time. It was obvious what I was doing. Two of his best friends had moved into the quad as well, and they didn't know Christ. So I guess his whole mission was lead those two guys to Christ. But I ended up selling drugs to both of them, so I think he was angry at God: "Who is this kid? Why did you put him in here to screw everything up?"

He felt that way?

McDonald: He told me at first that he was frustrated at God. But God put it on his heart to invest his life into me instead of his friends, to really focus on leading me to Christ. For seven months, he invited me to church every Sunday, but I would never go. Two weeks before I met the Lord, he told me he was just sitting in his room, really frustrated at God. "I don't get it, God. I've poured my life into this kid. I don't understand why you don't lead him to you."

So once you did meet God, what was his reaction?

McDonald: He was freakin' ecstatic.

Your album doesn't tell the story of your testimony. It's more worship-based and vertical. Why is that?

McDonald: My testimony is on my website and I talk about it in concert. But I've never written about it. For me music is more of a prayer time, a worship time, a time to express my heart towards God. So when I started writing, it wasn't about my personal life, but about my relationship with him. I don't want my testimony to be a glorification of my past. I want listeners to hear that there is hope after the dark times.

You mentioned that your grandparents had sent you off to college. Where were your parents at the time?

McDonald: I've never lived with my parents. I was raised by my grandparents. When I was born, my parents were young and immature. They were partiers. They didn't want a child. They wanted to live their lives and be free. They actually wanted to put me up for adoption, and that was when my grandparents stepped in and said, "We'll raise this child. If you decide you want him back down the road, we'll give him back to you." They would kinda come into my life, take me in for two or three weeks, but ultimately decide that raising a kid was too hard. So they'd dump me back off with my grandparents. So then my grandmother said, "You either take him or you don't, 'cause you're going to ruin his life." And they never came back.

Never?

McDonald: They were never involved in my life. I don't really know my dad. He's pretty lost. He's in and out of prison. He's doing drugs. My mom, I've started to build a relationship with her little by little.

Do they have other kids, or are they still living large?

McDonald: No, they got divorced. My mom remarried. My dad lives by himself in Arizona.

Do they know what you're about now?

McDonald: Yeah, she knows exactly what I'm about. She owns all my CDs and listens to my music, so I'm sure it's affecting her. In the last three or four years, I've started to see her get spiritual. I don't know if she's getting spiritual in the right way yet, but at least she's started to acknowledge that there's something out there, which is huge, because her family is very, very far from God.

What do you feel for your parents?

McDonald: Let's be honest. It's very difficult for me. My dad, especially. My mom, I love her, [but] I don't know if I love her as deeply as I could, 'cause she's never really been there for me. She doesn't really make that much effort, so I almost feel like I'm the parent because I'm investing more into it than she is. It's been really hard.

My dad, I really struggle with deep, deep hurt, numerous times. All he ever does is lie and deceive everybody. The only time we really connected was when I was into drugs, and we used to do drugs when I got older. I only know him in that context. I haven't spoken to him in three or four years. He doesn't care about anything or anybody. I really struggle with this. Learning to deal with the hurt and the pain is tough.

So their absence probably contributed to your rowdy lifestyle?

McDonald: It had a huge part. I was a young kid with a lot of confusion and a lot of hurt. I knew my parents and where they lived. But on the other hand, I had friends with real moms and dads, brothers and sisters. So I was like, "Why don't my parents want me? What's wrong with me?" I grew up with a lot of hurt and anger, but I never talked about it. I never went to counseling. I held it all inside. I got very bitter and angry. And I rebelled very hard against my grandparents. So when I discovered drugs and alcohol, I was like, "Wow, I can hide from my problems." I guess that's why I was so extreme.

Have you ever talked about all this with a counselor or a pastor?

McDonald: I've talked to different pastors about it. But I've never gone to a counselor. Sparrow hires an in-house counselor for all of their artists. And since it's free and it's available to me, I gotta take advantage of it.

That would be so awesome.

McDonald: It's been a huge healing process. God has done a huge work in my life, healing me. In a way, I almost feel like he's been counseling me, walking me through stuff. Ripping roots out of my heart. But I guess I have a long way to go. It might be a lifelong process.

For more about Shawn McDonald, check out his artist page on our site for biographical information and reviews. You can click here to read a review from his latest album, Simply Nothing. Visit Christianbook.com to hear sound clips and buy Shawn McDonald's music.

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