No matter what radio station you listen to, chances are you'll hear one of Kathy Troccoli's top hits, such as "Mission of Love," "My Life Is in Your Hands," "Tell Me Where It Hurts," "If I'm Not in Love," or the song that put her on the pop charts, "Everything Changes." Currently on tour with her sixth album, self-titled Kathy Troccoli (RCA/Reunion), this passionate musician has made a significant impact on both Christian and mainstream audiences.

Kathy's earliest fans remember her first album, Stubborn Love (Reunion), the fastest-selling debut by a female contemporary Christian artist in 1982—it remains a classic and was recently released on compact disc. Three more albums, Heart & Soul, Images, and Portfolio followed. Almost overnight Kathy Troccoli, who had become a Christian only a few years before her first album, was thrust into the limelight and began touring with Christian recording artists Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.

On the outside, Kathy appeared to have it all—charisma, confidence, dark-eyed good looks, and a promising career in Christian music—but inside, she was struggling with a lack of self-worth and an obsession with food. As a result, in 1986, Kathy left the gospel music scene to return to her Long Island home and grapple with the painful issues that kept invading her life. Unsure about how to proceed with her career, Kathy wrote songs, sang at weddings, and taught voice lessons to earn extra money while living with her widowed mother. She also received intensive counseling, which helped her overcome her eating disorder and gradually restore the relationship with her mom that had been strained during Kathy's rebellious teen years.

Then, just as she was taking steps to get her music career back in gear, Kathy learned her mother was dying of cancer. She decided to put off recording her comeback album, but her mother—always supportive of her career—wouldn't hear of it. So Kathy juggled sessions at the recording studio with daily visits to the hospital. With her mother's death coming just weeks before the 1991 release of Pure Attraction (Reunion/Geffen), the album's success was bittersweet. Five singles from the recording rocketed to the top of the Christian charts, and one of them, "Everything Changes," became a mainstream pop hit as well. Soon she was appearing on national television and opening for pop singer Michael Bolton and comedian Jay Leno.

Kathy's success has established a platform for her to speak about her faith to even larger audiences. "When I perform a pop song for the mainstream market, I look at it as an opportunity to meet people who don't know the Lord," says Kathy. Her current tour with Clay Crosse and 4Him exposes her to fans across the nation, and her role as spokesperson for Life Teen, a Christian organization for youth, enables her to challenge young people to a deeper commitment to Christ.

But even with all her success, this sensitive, thirty-six-year-old single woman knows life is unpredictable and that only God's love is the source of true security. It's a message that motivates her to reach out to others who are hurting as she was. "I believe when you sing to someone's heart, they'll respond," says Kathy, whose latest album reflects her love for romantic songs as well as more inspirational ballads.

Today, a mature, peaceful Kathy sits with me in her hotel room, candidly talking about the rough years she spent grappling with her sense of identity. In the following interview, Kathy opens up about how God helped her discover her true self—and how this has had an impact on her relationships and music.

RAMONA: Why did you struggle so much with your sense of identity?

KATHY: When I was growing up, my family, my mother's two sisters, and my grandparents all lived on the same street in our Long Island neighborhood. As a close-knit Italian family, we were constantly together. My life was sheltered and protected—my cousins were my only friends. But I longed to be friends with everybody. I wasn't cliquish; I could talk to anyone. So, although I certainly wasn't the prettiest or the most popular, my senior year I was elected homecoming queen.

I've always been sensitive to people who are hurting. My father used to say to my mom, "Jo, why is Kathleen always crying?"—I was very emotional and felt hurts deeply.

When I was sixteen, my dad died of colon cancer. Although I loved him dearly, he worked fifteen-hour days as a printer in Manhattan, so I didn't see him much except on weekends, when we'd work together on the lawn. He was my dad, but I never got to know him as a person. Losing him meant losing my consistent male role model when I was forming who I was. As a child, I was a real tomboy, and that made me rather insecure as a young woman. There were a lot of years where I'd get dressed to go somewhere and I'd ask my friends, "Do you think this looks all right?"

My mom was always my cheerleader—she believed I was somebody special. I think that's why, through the years, I've always been confident in many areas. But she was also very overprotective and a perfectionist. For instance, she was a great cook, but I never learned how because when she'd ask me to cut carrots and I'd do it my way, she'd say, "No. Not that way. I'll do it," then grab the knife out of my hand. Incidents like that made me feel I couldn't do anything right.

For a number of years, I resented my mom's attempts to control me, so I rebelled. I let her know she wasn't going to tell me what to do anymore. But when God entered my life, I began to understand more of Jesus' desire for me to forgive my mother for the ways in which I felt she'd wronged me, and to appreciate all the ways she loved me and taught me how to love. I've come to realize she tried her best.

RAMONA: How did you become a Christian?

KATHY: During the summer of 1978, I worked at a community pool to earn tuition for my next year of college. There I met a girl named Cindy who I thought was "uncool." She read her Bible every day at the pool, not caring what anyone said about her. Although I considered myself religious, I knew Cindy had something different. So I asked her questions about the Bible, and her answers were always kind and loving.

One day I asked her a question I knew she couldn't answer. I'll never forget her reply: "Kath, I can't answer your question. But Jesus is Lord whether or not you accept him." Then she offered me a Bible to take home so I could read it myself.

Although my mother had a big Bible in a prominent place in her bedroom, I'd never opened a Bible before. I read the gospel of John all the way through and, for the first time, really looked at Jesus' life. Up until then, Jesus had only been a figure hanging on a cross in church. I'd never understood what he meant for me personally. I knew the Bible either had to be true—which meant my life was totally misguided—or it was a major lie and should be disregarded. For several months, the Holy Spirit worked in my heart, until I knew I had to make a choice. On August 5, 1978, Cindy took me to pray with her youth pastor, and I accepted Christ.

Although Cindy certainly was "nothing special" in the world's eyes, her impact on me is eternal. And perhaps that's why every time I sing, do interviews, or have photos taken, I remember Philippians 2:3: "Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself" (TLB). Realizing God uses the least of this world for great things keeps me from thinking I'm special, even when I receive recognition for my music.

RAMONA: When did you first discover your musical gift?

KATHY: When I was seven, I told my older sister, Jennifer, I would entertain people on the ED SULLIVAN SHOW someday. In fourth grade, I started playing the flute and in eighth grade, the guitar. I'd always been a ham, and my mom loved for me to lipsynch into an old microphone for the relatives. My Spanish teacher (to whom my Kathy Troccoli album is dedicated) really loved my voice and encouraged me to sing before my peers in a school variety show. Although I was petrified and sick with a 102-degree fever, she believed in me, so I swallowed honey and marched out there to sing three songs from Carole King's Tapestry album.

After that, I was often invited to sing. In high school I sang in choir and with a jazz band, and played flute in a marching band. And during high school and college, I began to sing at some dinner clubs on Long Island.

Then, soon after I became a Christian, the Christian vocal group Glad happened to hear me at a concert and asked me to open for them when they played in New York. The lead singer flew me to Pennsylvania to do a demo of songs. Eight months later, Amy Grant's managers, Mike Blanton and Dan Harrell, heard my tape and came to hear me in concert. They encouraged me to move to Nashville to pursue Christian music.

When I first moved there in 1980, I lived with Dan and his wife, Kathy, who is Amy Grant's older sister. Because I was such a baby believer, I asked them all kinds of spiritual questions.

Since Dan and Mike couldn't get me a record deal from any company in Nashville, I thought they'd ship me back to New York. So I was shocked when they said, "You know what? We'll just start our own label." That was the birth of Reunion Records and my first album, Stubborn Love.

I loved making records, traveling, meeting people, and gaining musical experience—but that time was also extremely painful.

RAMONA: Why was it painful?

KATHY: Because I had some insecurities, I was hard on myself—especially in the area of weight. Despite being on the thin side, in college I had become obsessed with food—gorging myself, then abusing laxatives. Although I never threw up, my bulimic tendencies continued for several years. In some strange way, abusing food made me feel like I was in control and comforted me.

I also was immature when it came to relationships. Because I had such a great need to be loved, when the chemistry wore off I'd want to move on. I'm very sorry for the ways I've hurt people.

With the responsibilities of performing, my insecurities grew even stronger, but I didn't have time to work through my pain. I knew things had to change. So in 1986, I packed up and returned to Long Island to deal with my emotional issues and questions about my future in Christian music.

Looking back on my Nashville experience, I'm thankful that even in my brokenness, God used me to touch people's lives. But even more amazing to me was that God put me in touch with Dan and Mike, two godly male role models. Their belief in me continued even when I chose to leave Nashville and Reunion and move back to New York.

RAMONA: How did you deal with your brokenness?

KATHY: Sometimes, when we become Christians, we expect quick fixes to our problems. But that isn't always the case. During those next five years, I began to deal with my obsession with food, my relationship toward my mother, and my desire to be a whole, healthy person. I settled into a weekly women's Bible study, where I found older women I could respect and talk with. In an effort to become the woman God wanted me to be, I went through a lot of counseling. When I lived in Nashville, I'd written ten poem/prayer books, and in each I'd asked God, "Make me more like you." God is meeting that prayer … but in his timing, not mine.

I didn't think I could ever be free of my insecurities. But after years of counseling, I'm more able to get past what my body looks like because that's not what's ultimately important; it's what I give others that's lasting. However, I do try to remain disciplined and eat healthy food. Sometimes I still struggle, but God has done incredible work to help the real me emerge out of my brokenness.

The Lord has released me from the chains that held me bound for so long. I'm convinced emotional healing can happen for anyone. We just need to be honest with God and patient with ourselves and with those who are trying to help us. We also need to realize we've been broken for perhaps fifteen, twenty, thirty, or forty years. It takes awhile for a seed to become a bud, and then a beautiful flower.

RAMONA: Did your relationship with your mom change?

KATHY: At the end of those five years, when I was doing better, Mom contracted cancer. But by that time she'd seen a consistent amount of change in me. I could tell she respected who I was becoming. Mom had always been "religious," but had just started to develop a personal relationship with Jesus.

When she was in the hospital, I'd read her the Psalms. After a while, she'd mark verses herself. Although I don't know all that happened within her during her final days—only God does—I do know she began realizing places where she needed to make changes. Often we prayed together, and I'd write her letters of appreciation and give her beautiful cards.

I made sure I was totally right with her before her death, and that brought a sweetness to our relationship. We were the closest we'd ever been when she was dying. But it wasn't until her funeral, when her coworkers told me how much she'd talked about me, that I realized how proud she'd been of me.

I have only one regret about my relationship with Mom: Although I challenged her to make needed changes in her life, I spent too many years going about it in the wrong way. I judged her rather than loved her in the ways I should have. Now when I have to say challenging and convicting things to others, I try to season my words with love and say them at the right time.

RAMONA: How did your faith help you through that tough time?

KATHY: I thank God my roots in Christ were deepened before Mom's cancer, so when the storm came, my tree of faith didn't break. Whenever it bent, God would send somebody to pull it the other way. For instance, one of my best friends, Ellie, and her husband Frank, took me to dinner every other weekend to get me away from the hospital. I was spending all my time there when I wasn't at a local recording studio working on my album. My pastor and church friends came to the hospital. And another best friend, Allyson, who lives in Denver, constantly called with words of comfort.

There were still times I'd cry out to God, "Why did I lose one parent and now have to lose another?" I didn't want to be an orphan, even as a grown woman. But when I reflected on the pain, I knew what I did with it was my choice. Even now, if I choose bitterness, I'll miss all the comfort God sends. But if I choose to follow Jesus through the pain and stand on his promises, I have hope—even when I don't know what's ahead. I've learned my circumstances have absolutely nothing to do with God's ability to fulfill his Word.

Just when my song, "Everything Changes" had become a top hit, everything was changing in my life as well: my mother died, then my grandmother two months later, and my grandfather four months after that.

And my relationship with my sister, Jennifer, changed, too. When we were growing up, we couldn't relate to each other much because we were so different. But then Jen became a Christian, and while Mom was dying, we began to appreciate and respect each other more. Although our lives are different—I'm single, she's married with two daughters—now we don't go more than three or four days without talking to each other.

RAMONA: As a single woman, what role have friends played in your life?

KATHY: For many years, I hoped my frantic social activity would meet my need to be loved, and I got involved in some bad relationships. But as I've moved into my thirties, I've learned a lot about balance. At my birthday party last year, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the close friendships God brought into my life when I let go of the unhealthy ones.

My friends have become my family. They mourn and rejoice with me. They remind me of Christ's love when I need it. And they point out the truth, even when I don't want to hear it. The great temptation for all of us—and particularly for singles—is to exchange the truth of God for the world's lies. Our society says, "If you love someone, go ahead and have sex." But when God said no sex before marriage, he meant it for our good. And with all my heart, I want to follow his words. It helps to have friends who agree with me and hold me accountable.

Sometimes Christians don't discuss the sexual pressure singles and marrieds face, because we're afraid talking about it will get us into trouble or that we should be exempt from sexual pressure just because we're Christians.

RAMONA: Do you currently struggle with your singleness?

KATHY: I'd love to come home to a husband—to share heartfelt thoughts with someone who utterly loves me and prays for me! And because God created us with physical desires, I long for physical intimacy—to be held and to become one with a man.

But when I'm honest with God about my longing for marriage, an earthly home, and motherhood, God reminds me that, as his child, I'm a whole person—with or without a man.

To me the question is not, "Will I be lonely?", but "What will I do with those lonely times?" I've made several choices: To live with a roommate rather than live alone; stay involved with a church; and constantly read my Bible and devotional books.

I've also sought out friendships with married couples, and I enjoy becoming a part of their family. Watching my friends, Allyson and Ellie, talk things out with their husbands has made a powerful impact on my life—and given me a more healthy view of marriage. Ellie's also taught me not to be afraid of children and motherhood. As a result of her encouragement, I can now see myself getting married and being a mom someday.

RAMONA: What's ahead for you?

KATHY: Recently I've become the spokeswoman for Life Teen, a program that helps teens understand who Jesus is, brings them into a personal relationship with him, then encourages them to share their faith with others. I'm thrilled to see the changes in these kids and their excitement. Now I'm praying about other potential ministries I could get involved in—perhaps organizations that help women and their families cope with eating disorders or cancer. I'd also like to do two things I've been scared of for years: Learn how to cook, since I never thought I could do it as well as my mom, and get back into horseback riding, since I haven't been on a horse since one kicked me off as a kid.

Maybe someday I'll record a forties album and a Christmas album, act in a Broadway play (I'm beginning to take acting lessons), and write a women's devotional. Currently I'm working on a gospel album, to be released by Reunion in August of this year.

RAMONA: What do you want others to see in your life?

KATHY: That I strive to love well. I haven't always been able to do that. I want the virtues of Jesus—his purity, humility, mercy, and kindness—to be such a part of my character that when people look in my eyes or hear my voice, they see or hear Jesus. And I want my hunger for godliness to cause people to take a second look at Christianity and the God who longs to interact intimately with us.

Now I continually examine myself to see where my sense of worth is coming from: my accomplishments, other people's opinions—or God. No matter what challenges come my way next, I want to exhibit God's love in my life. That's my life's goal.

Copyright © 1995 by Christianity Today International/TODAY'S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine

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