Christian Denominations are Like NFL Teams
If you don't have a sense of humor, then please don't read the following post.

In honor of the beginning of the NFL season and because I have a bizarre need to compare things that are in no way similar to each other. I give you a list of Christian denominations and their corresponding NFL team.

Roman Catholic – Chicago Bears

They've been around since the beginning and their history is filled with both conquests and venerated saints like George Halas, Dick Butkus and Gale Sayers. However, in recent years they've often been on the defensive leading to middle of the road status. Finally, Mike Ditka is Pope John Paul II and Walter Payton is Mother Teresa.

Episcopalian/Anglican – Oakland Raiders

Historically, a rebellious group of upstarts from the insurgent AFL that has tamed over time as it's come to find more mainstream success. Still prone to bouts of rebellious behavior that come across more weird than iconoclastic in the modern context. You have a legion of hardcore fans that refuse to leave even if your behavior seems occasionally bizarre. Al Davis is King Henry VIII and John Madden is N.T. Wright.

Presbyterian – New York Giants

You continue to have success in spite of the fact that it's entirely unclear why you've been successful in the first place. You base a lot of your work on your ability to amount a worthwhile defense and the fact that your success must simply be preordained. You're led by an angry man who will become lovable in historical context (Tom Coughlin and John Calvin).

Methodist – Kansas City Chiefs

You spent most of my childhood trying to redefine that gray area between average and slightly above average. A lot of your historical cache comes from simply existing and not embarassing yourself. Your fans are also fiercely loyal and very underrated.

Lutheran – Indianapolis Colts

Your relevance is based upon the prolific production of a bygone hero who led you out of the metaphorical wilderness and into the historical spotlight. Out of deference to the bygone hero, people are still paying serious attention to you, but no one is completely sure why. Peyton Manning is Martin Luther.

United Churches of Christ – Miami Dolphins

A franchise with a lot of historical significance including the only unbeaten season in NFL history and the crazy success of Dan Marino. The franchise's status has been undermined in recent years through a combination of identity crisis and wondering whether or not anyone actually cares.

Church of Christ – Cleveland Browns

You like to think that you have a long and storied history, but in truth your franchise began in 1999. A loyal fan base sticks beside you through thick and thin. Often characterized by an inability to find adequate leadership. Examples of inadequate leadership include Tim Couch, Kelly Holcomb, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Colt McCoy, and probably Brandon Weedon.

September 21, 2012

Displaying 1–10 of 22 comments


January 09, 2013  1:20pm

Why leave the Pats, Steelers and Packers out? YOu just need to branch out from Christianity a little... Hindu: New England Patriots You are stoic and boring, but at the end of the day your opponents can only shake your hands and agree with your superior ways and unnatural calm. Secretly they hate you and are are frustrated that they can't break through your Zen-like facade. Judism: Pittsburgh Steelers While everyone else has moved on to the more contemporary and hip "christian" beliefs, you stick to your old school ways of pounding the ball on the ground and grinding it out. You are tough and rugged but also extremely stubborn and stuck in your old ways. Also, you sacrifice a pig before each game in the parking lot as a gift to the Almighty. Radical Islam: Green Bay Packers Your followers are fierce, loyal and delusional. Anyone who opposes you is subject to high pitched yelling and the result is always the same "because Allah wills it!!!", "Have you won a super bowl?!?". Anyone who breaks ranks is stoned with beer cans and forced to shave off his sacred back hair, ruining the carefully crafted jersey number that your sister/wife sculpted in to "woods" between your shoulder blades. Followers are instructed to spread to the secular masses, form cells in those foreign locations and bomb local establishments on Sunday with your drunken yelling and the inability to function in normal social settings. .

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October 24, 2012  2:07pm

Matthew 7:22, 23 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

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Robyn O'Rourke

October 14, 2012  1:51pm

I David, Loved your analogy! I'll never watch a football game the same way again...I'll feel like I'm in church and will be trying to find the Episcopalians, Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Lutherans, etc. on the field!

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Josh Kelley

October 09, 2012  1:16pm

Small churches - The Seattle Seahawks Everyone dismisses them and credits their success to luck. Go Hawks! :)

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October 03, 2012  7:24pm

If that's true Greg Burts, the football analogy is perfect for you because you get to tackle the other team! :) Go sack that quarterback of unsound doctrine! Football isn't about every team being equally great and "everyone has something to offer"- it's about one team winning and one team losing! (but first let me humbly request you save your brothers who love Jesus from the Belichik strategies!)

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Greg Burts

October 03, 2012  8:35am

I'm afraid you are feeding the popular trend toward pluralism. 'Everyone has something to offer' is a poor replacement for sound doctrine.

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Kurtis Smith

October 02, 2012  10:41pm

And who are the Saints? All of us...with bags over our heads as sinners but unconditionally loved anyway.

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October 02, 2012  2:38pm

I KNEW there was a reason (other than the geography of my birth) that I'm still a Chiefs fan!

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Lisa Herbstreit

October 02, 2012  2:37pm

So very a football fan and a Christ follower I applaude your sense of humor. If there are Christians lacking a sense of humor, I would highly recommend it. If there are Christians out there the are not football fans, I highly recommend it, as well! Go Colts!

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October 02, 2012  11:58am

I think it's funny that the SBC wants their own franchise! :D Loved the's good to laugh at ourselves sometimes. I'm sure Jesus does!

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