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Q&A with Dr. Neil Clark Warren
My question relates to long-distance relationships initiated on the Internet. How much time should you spend with someone "in person" before deciding to relocate? You can get to know someone over the phone and Internet, but I feel there are too many gaps that can only be filled by face-to-face interaction and over an extended period. My girlfriend and I are attracted to each other and feel compatible, but how wise is it to relocate across the country for a "maybe"?
—Brent
Brent,
This is indeed an important question. For many years I have emphasized that long distance couples need to take some determined and comprehensive steps before making a commitment of any kind.
My first suggestion is that you create as many opportunities as possible for face-to-face interaction before either of you move. You are correct, the phone and Internet work well for keeping in touch, but eventually it's vital that you spend hours and hours of time together just being in the same place, the same part of the country. There's really no other effective way to determine if you are truly compatible.
Second, I suggest you visit each other under as many different circumstances as you possibly can. Limiting your visits to romantic weekends or holidays creates a false sense of experience together. It's easy to come away from five romantic weekends convinced your partner is loving, kind, attentive, and adaptable. Of course, your range of knowledge about the person is shallow because you've never seen this person after a hard day of work, stuck in a traffic jam, furious at you because you were late, or enduring a crushing disappointment.
You must find a way to gather a broad range of knowledge about this person before pulling up your roots and moving. It may seem strange to travel across the country to try and witness your girlfriend while she goes about her everyday life, but I believe it is vital if your relationship is to have a chance to become a healthy one.
Lastly, you must come to terms with the risk involved in your relationship. At some point, before you marry, one of you is going to have to pack up and move across the country. This should be done BEFORE there is intent to marry and certainly before you are engaged.
If you have set the wheels in motion to marry and the move is just a preliminary step in that direction, the momentum of wedding plans may make it hard for one or both of you to say, "Wait, this doesn't feel right." You risk making a grave mistake. You need to spend time early in your long-distance relationship discussing how this move will happen if the relationship continues.
Obviously Brent, the broad question you ask, "How much time?," is impossible to answer without knowing you and your circumstance personally. But my best answer is that you should wait as long as you can afford to wait and gather as much information from as many different circumstances as you can before you propose marriage.
I would also encourage you to spend considerable time in prayer asking for God's wisdom on this issue. Once you're able to discern God's will for you and this person, many of the questions regarding your efforts will be answered. Whatever decision you reach with this particular person, the caution and contemplation you use at this stage of the marriage-making process will serve you well throughout the rest of your life.
Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today International.
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