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When You're the Brokenhearted
by Les & Leslie Parrott
December 2002
Camped out in bed with a pint of Chunky Monkey ice cream and the TV remote? Thinking about buying a one-way ticket to an obscure Mediterranean island to live on the rest of your life as a recluse? Being left by the one you love has a way of making anyone a little loony. If you find yourself on the receiving end of romantic rejection, however, the following suggestions will help you keep your sanity.
Face Reality
Dumped by her doctor-boyfriend, Marie was deep in denial. She became obsessed with the idea of winning him back. Convinced that their relationship had ended because she hadn't taken enough interest in his work, Marie spent nights in the local library poring over medical journals and developing a morbid fascination with the inner workings of the human body. She kept photos of her ex all over her apartment. Her friends were embarrassed and tried to help by telling her that taking Anatomy 101 wasn't going to win him back. Yet for months, Marie went on as though the relationship was only going through temporary trouble. But it wasn't. The relationship was permanently over and Marie couldn't admit it.
Marie's story is fairly typical. Getting "dumped" is difficult to accept. The notion of getting back together is a familiar one among the jilted. Some part of our soul is convinced the other person feels the same way we do, only they don't know it yet.
All of us have a hard time coming to terms with rejection. Interestingly, men are more likely than women to deny the end of a romance—by a ratio of three to two. Part of the reason is that men are prone to romantic crushes on women who are far more desirable than themselves, and therefore find their love more frequently unrequited. Whatever your gender, however, you've got to face reality. You've got to admit the relationship is over and move on.
Let Yourself Cry
Okay, okay. You ski black diamonds, walk barefoot on hot asphalt, and skydive for fun, so what's a little romantic split? Truth is, a breakup is one of the toughest things you'll ever experience. It's heart wrenching, and you deserve to feel lousy. You have every right to feel profoundly sad. Breaking up from even an unhealthy relationship hurts. It's frightening to lose a relationship you depended on. So give yourself over to the agony and have a good cry. You'll feel better. Scientific studies have shown that tears actually excrete certain depression-purging hormones so you begin to feel better physically and emotionally after a good cry. It literally cleanses the soul. So shed your sadness instead of keeping it in and the healing will begin all the sooner.
Stop Blaming Yourself
"I guess I'm one of those people who's meant to be alone," admits 24-year-old Sarah, a normally upbeat assistant manager of a local clothing store who recently was dumped by her boyfriend. "My track record is awful when it comes to picking men, and I need to concentrate on work if I'm going to be able to take care of myself in the future."
It's one of the saddest things we hear in our relationship counseling, and we've come to believe a lot of this self-blame is the result of self-help formulas that tell us we must be stupid to have chosen a person who later does us wrong. Yes, it's important to take a hard look at your behavior if you consistently make bad relationship choices. But why punish yourself because you fell in love? Self-blame doesn't help you learn from mistakes and become a better person.
People who have been burned take the blame too often. They feel guilty for failing at "yet another" relationship. Eventually, they can end up converting their guilt into an unhealthy compulsion: overeating, abusing drugs or alcohol, having sexual trysts with near strangers, and avoiding intimacy altogether. Don't get caught in the guilt trap. Truth is, you aren't so powerful that you can cause someone else's behavior and choices. You can play a part in these decisions, but you can't cause them. You aren't to blame.
Go to God
Finally, remember that you have a Father of compassion and a God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:4) you can turn to in situations such as these. This may feel like small consolation at first, but if you keep leaning into him, you'll find he's more than enough.
Article provided by Les & Leslie Parrott, The Center for Relationship Development, www.realrelationships.com.
Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today International.
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