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Why Friends Fail
by Les & Leslie Parrott
December 2002
One day it happens. After a string of unsatisfactory phone calls, a few strained talks at a coffee shop, or maybe an all-out blowout, you mutter to yourself, "What am I doing? Why am I talking to this person? She no longer feels like a friend, but I don't know why." It's a question that nags at us when a friendship fails: Why? Why would a once-sturdy and fulfilling friendship suddenly, or even gradually, falter?
The answer is actually rather straightforward. Most friendships fail for one of three main reasons: a major change, such as marriage or a move; neglect; or the betrayal of a confidence. Let's take a look at each one.
Change
Perhaps the most frequent source of friendship turmoil is the disruption caused by a major change—for better or worse—in a friend's life. When one friend's dream is realized before the other's, for example, the two get out of sync; jealousy, anger, or pity can take over. Even well-established friendships can be thrown out of kilter by a major job promotion; the beginning of a serious romantic relationship; and above all, marriage. The change factor is part emotional and part practical. Since most friendships begin when both people are going through similar experiences, when something big happens to change the status of one friend it's human nature for the other to feel some envy—"Why her and not me?" During periods of change, the discovery of new limits on time, energy, and attention is often the real source of contention between friends. The friend whose life has changed least usually will have to make more accommodations, at least during the initial period of transition. Whatever the case, you can count on change to impact even your most treasured lifelong friendships.
Neglect
There is a line in Woody Allen's film Annie Hall where he says to Diane Keaton, "A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark." Some friendships die because they aren't moving forward; they die from stagnation or plain old neglect. You meant to call but didn't. You knew it was his birthday but were too busy to celebrate (you knew he'd understand). But friendships need to be nurtured. It's as simple as that. Without nurturance, annoyance is sure to set in. Think about it. When we're busy we only do what comes easy, and even good friendships aren't always easy. So if your friend has an annoying trait, if she's loud, or cheap, or a habitual complainer, for example, you are more likely to neglect the relationship. Of course the same is true in the opposite direction when your friend is neglecting you. Whether it's you or her, however, neglect is sure to cause a rift. And when it does, it almost always catches us off guard, surprising us when we least expect it and can least handle it: when we're going through stressful times at school, work, or home that make us less attentive, and less able to respond—which is what caused the neglect to begin with. That's why it can seem that the best friendships fail precisely when we need them the most.
Betrayal
She's your best pal, and you tell her everything—only to find out she's gossiped about you or, even worse, flirted with your boyfriend. When a once-trusted confidante double-crosses you, betrayal is the result. While change and neglect may be more common reasons for failed friendships, betrayal is almost always more painful. Why? Because betrayal dismantles trust. Your confidant, who knows your darkest secrets (how deeply you're in debt or how much you struggle with an eating disorder, for example) has let one of them out of the bag. After all, your close friend has the power to hurt you precisely because she knows you so well; your deepest secrets provide her with the emotional ammunition that can cut you to the core. You're left wondering if she will do it again.
Maybe your friend, whom you counted on, isn't there for you in a time of need. Or perhaps she joins others in teasing you about a sensitive issue. This brings up an important point: what we perceive as betrayal is often unintentional; your friend may not think what she did was wrong or realize that she's caused you pain. She may not have known you were counting on her so much. She may have thought you found her teasing funny, not hurtful. If your friend is acting out of anger or jealousy, however, and is thus seeking revenge, look out. You are now the victim of blatant betrayal. Whether intentional or not, betrayal is a guaranteed toxin to every friendship.
Article provided by Les & Leslie Parrott, The Center for Relationship Development, www.realrelationships.com.
Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today International.
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