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The Important Role of Empathy in Communication
by Dr. Les Parrott
April 2003
In a relationship, it is very important to respect one another's individuality and uniqueness. Even after many years together, healthy partners remain uniquely themselves. Unfortunately, too many couples believe they should be just like one another. This causes problems, often leading to criticism when these expectations of likeness are not met.
There is an old Sioux Indian prayer that gets at the solution to this common problem. It says: "Oh Great Spirit, grant me the wisdom to walk in another's moccasins before I criticize or pass judgment." Learning to walk in your dating partner's moccasins is at the heart of a healthy relationship. Psychologists call it empathy, the rare capacity to put ourselves into the shoes of our partner and accurately see life from his or her perspective.
Empathy combines two important capacities: to analyze and to sympathize, to use our heads and to use our hearts. Our analytical capacities involve collecting facts and observing conditions. We look at a problem, we break it down into its causes, and we propose solutions. That's analyzing. Sympathizing is feeling for another person. It is feeling the pain of someone who is suffering or feeling the anger of a person in rage. Analyzing and sympathizing are the twin engines of empathy. One without the other is fine, but their true power is found in combination. We need to love with both our head and our heart to empathize. When we empathize, we put aside our expectation that our dating partner should be like us. We accept the fact that our partner has brought a unique personality into our relationship.
While the word "empathy" is never used in the Bible, it is, in a sense, what the whole Gospel message is about. The apostle Paul encouraged empathy in Hebrews when he said: "Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering" (Hebrews 13:3). He also said, "We who are not strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves" (Romans 15:1).
When we empathize with our partner, we put aside our expectation that he or she should be like us. We accept the fact that our partner has brought a unique personality to the relationship and we ask ourselves questions like, "What is he feeling? What pressures does she have to cope with? What does he fear? What does she need? How, if at all, should I help my spouse?"
The best model of empathy is our Lord himself. If Jesus Christ had been merely sympathetic to our plight, he would have watched our struggles from afar, shaking his head and feeling bad. If he had been merely analytical, he would have told us exactly what to do, stripping us of our freedom and solving all our problems for us. Instead, the Son of God chose to become one of us (see John 1:14; Luke 1:32; Philippians 2:7; Colossians 1:15, 1 Timothy 2:5).
So, before you jump to conclusions, before you criticize, before you pass judgment, use Jesus as your model and walk in your partner's shoes.
Article provided by Les Parrott, The Center for Relationship Development, www.realrelationships.com.
Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International.
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