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The Sweet Spot of Praise
by Drs. Leslie and Les Parrott
The detrimental impact of negative words is obvious. Every decent person who wants to get or stay in a serious relationship steers clear of this as best they can.
But that's not enough.
We humans cannot survive with only the absence of the negative. We require a regular diet of the positive. Without it, our spirit—and thus our relationships—wither.
As Celeste Holm so aptly put it, "We live by encouragement and die without it—slowly, sadly, angrily."
This is reason enough to make this habit a full-time one!
Encouragement is perhaps the finest gift we ever give to a relationship and to the ones we love. The words used to build someone up are the fuel taking them to their full potential.
Sydney Madwed said it best: "If everyone received the encouragement they need to grow, the genius in most everyone would blossom and the world would produce abundance beyond the wildest dreams. We would have more than one Einstein, Edison, Schweitzer, Mother Teresa, Dr. Salk, and other great minds in a century."
Whether that be true or not, one thing is certain. Encouragement is sure to help your relationship run more smoothly. It lowers your dating partner's defenses. It makes meaningful connections more common. It sets the stage for a stronger commitment to each other. It is difficult to exaggerate the value of this healthy habit.
Uncover your boyfriend or girlfriend's sweet spot of praise.
If you want to this healthy habit to make a difference, you're going to need to accurately understand what makes your loved one feel affirmed. It's not enough to toss out compliments. "Thanks for dinner" isn't going to cut it. Of course, you don't want to give that up, but you're going to need to go deeper.
What is it that your boyfriend or girlfriend really wants to hear from you? Is it that she's a good cook? Maybe. Is it that he's a good driver? Maybe.
But maybe your special someone is yearning to hear something else. Maybe she wants to know that you admire the way she volunteers to help in the nursery at church or her gift for organizing flowers. Maybe he's dying to be noticed for how he interacts with children or how he's earned a great position in his company.
The things you currently praise your loved one for may not matter as much to him or her as other things. She may feel quite confident in her cooking ability but more insecure about the good she does as a volunteer. He may not give a rip about his driving, but he takes great pride in being a good uncle.
The most meaningful admiration in your relationship will come from a sincere heart that notices what really matters. And that's what your partner really values. So ask yourself what he or she feels most insecure about, and discover what he or she values.
That is your partner's sweet spot of praise.
The more you compliment it, the more you admire it, the more on target this healthy habit will be.
Article provided by Les & Leslie Parrott, The Center for Relationship Development, www.realrelationships.com.
Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International.
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