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Q&A with Dr. Neil Clark Warren
Dr. Warren,
I need you to help settle a debate between a close friend and myself. About a year ago, my boyfriend unceremoniously dumped me. We had been dating for about a year, and with little explanation he came over and ended the relationship. When I asked for an explanation, he just mumbled about being unhappy and left.
Since then I've been angry … and I guess you could say I have quite a grudge against this man. To me, this is entirely appropriate. He hurt me deeply and I think this anger helps keep me from pining for the relationship. My friend has told me that this anger is destructive and she wants me to forgive this guy. I know that forgiveness is one of the Bible's main tenets, and I believe that someday I'll get there. But in all honesty, I just don't want to forgive him.
What's your opinion?
—Sue
Sue,
Enduring this kind of unilateral breakup is never pleasant. I can understand your anger at this man. He could have almost certainly handled this situation with more compassion and care.
But learning how to forgive is crucial to your emotional health. Here's why. When you feel hurt, frustrated, or threatened by someone, you will experience physiological arousal which we call "anger." As you learn how to manage your anger with mastery, it will dissipate with effective expression. And you will be free of the anger.
But that same activated, physiological state can be regenerated on later occasions if you ruminate over the incident which contributed to your anger. For instance, if you remember in detail the insulting treatment that hurt you, you can work yourself into a rage all over again.
And you will inevitably do this if you have not let the experience go, if you hold a grudge. I know of no better way to let it go, to evaporate your grudges, than to forgive the person who insulted you. When you do, you benefit substantially, because you don't have to be angry any longer in response to this hurtful event.
Paul wrote to the Colossians about forgiveness, "Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others" (reference).
When you learn to forgive so that grudges dissolve and no longer hang around to engage in their internal violence, many benefits accrue:
1. This forgiveness sets you free from the past—from hurt, frustration, and fear—and from miserable memories of many kinds.
2. It significantly reduces the total amount of anger you will experience in your life, because no painful event is allowed to contribute to your anger more than once.
3. It allows your mind—conscious and unconscious—to focus on the present and the future, and that leads to more effective and rewarding living.
4. If you desire a continued relationship with the other person, it sets your relationship free to grow and develop.
Do everything in your power to forgive this man. Be gentle with others, even as the Lord has been so gentle with you. Don't hold grudges, and I promise you this, you will be substantially freer to experience the genuine joy of your life.
Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International.
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