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Visualize Circles, Not Lines
by Dr. Les Parrott III
Virtually every couple has a big fight or disagreement on their way to getting engaged or married. And when that happens, each person often becomes obsessed with what, or who, caused the problem. They're looking for a place to lay blame.
What they do not understand about problems in relationships, technically speaking, is that causes are not simple matters. Finding fault—in the truest sense—is not easy.
Why? Because the influences on a problem are reciprocal. They cannot be pegged on one thing or one person. One of the most profound secrets of human relationships we know is this:
Causality is circular.
To explain it another way, in a relationship disagreement, choosing the point at which the causal chain begins is pointless and arbitrary. There is no one single cause for anything in the pact known as love.
Does that make you feel uneasy?
Most of us are far more comfortable with a linear cause-effect approach in which an unhappy childhood or bad nerves can explain undesirable behavior. The truth is that human relationships are not that simple. A better approach is to focus not only on what goes on inside a person, but also on what takes place between two persons.
When two individuals come together in a relationship, something is created that is different from, larger than, and more complex than those two individuals apart. In psychobabble terms, it's called a "system." And the most important feature of a system is communication.
Relationships are established, maintained, and changed by what and how we communicate. Over time, we establish patterns for communication that become habitual and enduring. We fall into a groove, a cycle, without ever giving it conscious thought.
It is this cycle, more than any one thing, that often causes irritants to lodge themselves into our happiness and burrow their way into the enjoyment we feel about the people we love. It is so easy to think about the last word uttered, or the last trivial thing left unsaid or undone, and pretend to ourselves that this is what is wrong. When two members of a couple do this, they both fool and cheat themselves.
Perhaps God said it best. In Proverbs 3:30, it clearly states, "Do not accuse a man for no reason—when he has done you no harm."
We may think our loved one is harming us or harming the relationship, but no one person can be at fault for a disagreement. In a relationship built on love, trust, and time spent together, we can't hold our partner solely responsible for problems that come our way. Our partner's actions depend upon ours, and vice versa.
In a system, all elements are mutually dependent. In other words, unless you decide to change the system, you are not acting on your own free will. You are constantly being influenced by your partner.
Here's the good news:
A system such as a relationship is not a static and fixed one. No matter how entrenched one's behavior or how strong one's personality, each individual is influenced by the other on an ongoing basis.
So here's the clincher: Once you recognize your partner's dependence upon your pattern of behavior, you can consciously plan and change your own behavior, thereby influencing your partner and improving the relationship. It's like a loving dance.
The point is that no one is really to blame in a relationship. Both of you have established your routine. By heightening your self-awareness of the patterns in your relationship, you will learn what moves you can make to positively affect your loved one and yourself—without playing the blame game.
Article provided by Les Parrott, The Center for Relationship Development, www.realrelationships.com.
Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International.
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