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Q&A with Dr. Neil Clark Warren
Dear Dr. Warren,
I've met a person online with great qualities, and he looks terrific on paper, but I'm not physically attracted to him. I feel guilty, like I have somehow violated my faith. Am I being superficial when this person is such a kind, loving, and caring man?
—Joan
Joan,
As human beings, God created us with a strong desire to feel physical attraction. It is one of our most powerful mate selection criteria. Much of my philosophy and writing regarding relationships has to do with placing physical attraction lower on our list of selection criteria. Because when looking at "long-term" relationship success, I find physical attraction doesn't rank very high. In other words, when talking to couples that have been successfully married for many years, they rarely list "physical attraction" as one of the core dimensions that has led to their marital success.
In addition, I think that in today's society, people often use physical attraction as their "only" gauge of whether to pursue a relationship. This notion is reinforced constantly by our media and leads to large numbers of shallow, dysfunctional, and ultimately failed relationships.
Having said all that, I do believe physical attraction is germane to a healthy, successful relationship. I don't think there is any way to circumvent God's design. I know that many people have tried. In my years as a therapist, I often saw men or women who married a partner based on a friendly sort of warmth. It was "love," but it wasn't the romantic passion men and women who are spending a lifetime together should share.
I actively discourage relationships between two people who get along great, appear to be compatible, and yet have no "spark." I believe that building a great marriage without the excitement and attraction that comes from passionate love is impossible.
Remember, a "great person" is not a "great person for you" unless they meet your needs and desires in a partner. You needn't feel guilty about your lack of physical chemistry with this person, and you certainly aren't any less of a Christian because he isn't attractive to you. In fact, I believe you will be acting compassionately by letting this person find someone who does find him physically appealing.
Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International.
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