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A Fab Flick
December 31, 2003
I just saw the movie Mona Lisa Smile with a fellow single friend, and we both loved it. Because it's received mixed reviews, I wasn't sure what to expect—but I'm now convinced that the reviewers who panned it either are married or are males who don't fully appreciate the light this flick is shining on the very limited options women have had throughout our nation's history. The story, though predictable in parts, ultimately affirms whatever path in life you choose—whether that be married or single—and underscores my desire to follow my heart, as opposed to others' expectations of me, when it comes to relationships. Besides all that, the characters are well developed and the costuming and scenery are superb. Go see it!
Lily
Christmas Survival Tips
December 17, 2003
Here are a few suggestions for surviving the Christmas holiday as a single person:
- Get your cell or home members to embark on a community project during the Christmas season. Throw a Christmas party for a shelter, orphanage, old folk home, or drug rehabilitation center within your community.
- Organize meals or visitations to people you want to reach out to, such as single parents or foreign students attending your church. They could be lonely this Christmas, too.
- If you're the only Christian in your family, throw a Christmas party at home and invite your church friends, cell or home group members, and pastors to come and build connections with your unsaved family members.
- Round up your single friends from other churches to organize a potluck party and have each one invite his or her friends. It can be a social or an evangelistic event.
- Go for a week-long vacation with your friends.
- Organize a week-long missions trip to any Third World countries recommended by your missions pastor. Why not help spread the Good News and Christmas cheer to those who haven't heard about Jesus?
- Most importantly, count your many blessings!
Grace
Starting Over
December 3, 2003
When I went through my separation and divorce, I went to a program called Beginning Experience. It was a lifesaver for me. It helped me close the door on my marriage, something I'd never wanted to do but was necessary for me to heal and move forward. Then a few years later I went to a follow-up weekend called Beyond Beginning Experience. That one focused on me and my life as a single person. It was fantastic! The ministry's website is www.beginningexperience.org.
Vicki
Powerful Prayer
November 19, 2003
I can't remember where I got this prayer, but it's helped me through a lot of tough single times:
"Lord, you are my sovereign God. You know all about me and love me more than anyone else ever could. You know how I feel, what I need, and what my future is. I confess that I have taken matters into my own hands. I confess to being afraid of totally trusting you. Today I commit myself to focus on you and your love for me. Today I commit to look to you for my future, not to my outward circumstances. Thank you for knowing how weak I feel, and being strong for me and in me. I love you and I choose to trust you."
Amy
Dealing with Disappointment
October 22, 2003
Brenda Waggoner's book, Fairy Tale Faith: Living in the meantime when you expected happily ever after, offers great tools for dealing with the unexpected reality of being single at my age. She tackles the topics of self-esteem, perfectionism, body image, childhood trauma, guilt, and loss, all the while pointing readers to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with God. Lots of stories make it a relatable read … and a reassuring and helpful one.
Trudy
Household Helps
October 1, 2003
Two great books are Where's Mom Now That I Need Her? and Where's Dad Now That I Need Him? They both include recipes that don't result in a ton of food (enough for up to four people) and that don't contain ingredients you and the local grocery store have never heard of. Each book also contains wonderful extras such as laundry and car care tips. I refer to the books almost as much as my Bible and have given them to two of my now-married friends who also live and swear by them!
Jeanette
Cooking for One
September 17, 2003
I discovered a great book for those of us who live alone and have a difficult time finding the motivation and creativity to cook for ourselves. Solo Suppers by Joyce Goldstein offers simple and delicious meals—such as Tuna Steak with Black Pepper Crust and Rigatoni with Meatballs and Eggplant—sized for one. Goldstein also gives advice on grocery shopping for one, stocking the pantry, planning meals, and creating tomorrow's dinner using today's leftovers. This book has proved to be a great tool to help me treat myself right—even at dinner time.
Janice
Be a Secret Admirer
September 3, 2003
One year, a group of my single friends and I decided to be one other's secret admirers. We put all our names in a hat and each drew one for the year. On special days, we gave that person cards, flowers, or small gifts, the same as a significant other might do throughout the year. In December, we got together and learned who our admirer had been. We had so much fun that year, I'm not sure why we didn't make this an annual tradition. I'm moving soon and hope to try the same thing with a new set of single friends.
Cindy
Cultivate Contentment
August 20, 2003
Recently I've learned to be content and confident in my singleness. Part of what's helped me is reading Emotional Purity. It's a great book written by a single woman in her late twenties who talks a lot about contentment. Previously I was scared to pray for this quality because I thought I might not get married if I was content. Then I felt the Holy Spirit give me peace and reassure me that if I was content, getting married wouldn't be such a big concern in my life because I'd already be happy. As I've prayed for and embraced contentment right where I'm at, I've grown to love life, to feel confident in my singleness, and to worry so much less about whether or not I'm going to get married someday. I know I have a purpose here on this earth, and now my greatest desire is to live it passionately for God.
Caryn
Become a Temporary Parent
August 6, 2003
One of the things I enjoyed most before I got married and had children was international travel. Now that I'm widowed and traveling abroad isn't practical, the zeal to wander has translated to opening our home and hearts each year to a foreign exchange student. This will be our fifth year hosting a high school junior for the entire school year through ASPECT Foundation. We love it!
I know a other single adults who have become "parents" in the same way. They've found companionship, opportunities to serve others, and a fresh perspective on today's youth. Usually, these students are exceptional people, having worked hard to earn the right to come to the US. Yes, it can be nerve-wracking to become the "mother" or "father" of a teenager literally overnight, but there are so many rewards. In many ways we're not only sharing our American culture with our student, but also our status as members of the family of God.
I also like that I'm teaching my own children about opening up our home to others and sharing the gifts God has given us. I think all our lives are enriched by this experience, and I highly recommend it.
Cindy
Be a Resource
July 23, 2003
What helps me to feel better about being a single, never-married Christian is a concept from Mike Cavanaugh, author of God's Call to the Single Adult. I heard him speak many years ago, and one of his statements really stuck with me:
Singles are the great untapped resource of the Christian Church.
So many churches pretend single adults don't exist. For example, I once asked the pastor of the church I then attended what I could do to contribute (beyond singing in the choir, which I was already doing). I'll never forget his answer: "I can't think of anything. Most normal people leave the church when they finish school and don't come back until they're married with children." Emphasis on "normal" is mine, but I've faced the same prejudices (less boldly stated) from many churches and many Christians.
When I find myself facing—even internalizing—such prejudices, and feeling less valuable as a person because I'm not married, I remember Mike's statement. And I realize the problem isn't with me or my marital status, it' s with stereotypes and misconceptions about the value and role of singles. Then, when I do get an opportunity to serve, Mike's statement helps me to remember that my singleness is what gives me freedom to serve without distraction.
DJ
Easing Parental Urges
July 9, 2003
I've always been single, and the hardest thing for me is knowing I'll never have my own children. However, I've learned to meet my maternal needs by:
1. working with a local Young Life ministry to teens—they have lots of "mom needs."
2. working in the nursery at my church, where I get to hold countless babies.
3. "borrowing" friends' children to give my friends a break and to give me some "mom time" with their kids.
I've learned that if you need children in your life, there are ways to accomplish that besides birthing them! Their parents appreciate some needed time off, and we get some needed time to nurture and love little ones.
Sindy
Great Reads
June 25, 2003
The single most important book I've read in the past ten years is John Eldredge's The Journey of Desire. It's helped me understand who I am and what to do with my singleness. Eldredge's Wild at Heart is a close runner-up. Yes, I read it even though it's written for men and I'm a woman. Actually, it helped me realize what being a woman means to me. I also loved Eldredge's The Sacred Romance, and I'm eagerly awaiting his next book, which is due out sometime this summer. This author is in a class by himself. I've bought and given away so many of his books I've lost count!
Carol, Georgia
Tough Questions, Great Answers
June 4, 2003
I just stumbled upon a great new book for singles called Single Not Separate by Virginia McInerney. In the first half of the book the author addresses some of the burning questions we singles have at times, such as "Why does God allow us to go through the pain of singleness?" "What do I make of the teaching that it is 'better' to be single?" "What is the balance between not idolizing the idea of getting married and having a sincere desire to be married?" To each McInerney, a regular speaker at her mega-church in Ohio, offers balanced, biblical advice. The second half of the book talks about singles in the church—specifically why we feel like the odd one out, why many singles groups fail, and how we can attempt to establish a new role for singles in the church. Overall I appreciate that this book doesn't shy away from the tough questions of singleness and doesn't offer pat answers to these difficult issues.
Natalie, Vermont
Get to Class!
May 21, 2003
One great way to meet new friends and potential dating partners is to take undergrad or graduate courses at a local university, college, or adult-learning center. Especially at a Christian institution! You'll interact with others while discussing pertinent topics and projects in class, and most likely will interact outside of class in study groups. You'll meet people of like interests and education levels, plus you may just advance or change your career goals! I'm currently working on my third teaching credential and my second master's degree, and in the process I've met more quality people and had more social opportunities than possible in most large churches or other social circles.
Name withheld
Confessions of a Clumsy Single
May 7, 2003
I've been single for three years today. Whenever I need a lift in this journey, I BLAST Clumsy by Chris Rice on my CD player. The song is great because the lyrics are so true: "Thought I had it right by now, been practicing for 30 years. … " I'm one of those thirty-something people who keep doing the same things and think I'm learning, but somehow I always end up feeling "clumsy. … I feel so stupid … then I feel so useless," as the lyrics capture so well. But, as the song reminds me, God is always there to embrace me and tell me it's going to be okay—praise his name!
Marie-Elena
Letters to my Someday Spouse
April 23, 2003
When I'm having a lonely day, I do something that some people may find a little strange: I keep a notebook in which I write letters to my future husband. I tell him what's going on in my life, what God's been teaching me, or just how much I can't wait to meet him! I find this more effective than simple journaling because I'm actually writing to someone. I'm excited to give this notebook to my future husband after our wedding so he'll know how much I was thinking about him before I even knew his name.
Cyra, Washington
Write Yourself a Letter
April 9, 2003
Knowing that every now and then I have one of those days when my singleness feels like a thick wool sweater on a sweltering summer day, I've decided to plan ahead. When I'm having a day when life is good and my singleness feels great, sometimes I write an encouraging letter to myself in my journal to read on those icky days. I include reminders of all the things I enjoy about being single and of the fact that the tough days always pass. Another way I prepare in advance for lonely or difficult days is memorizing uplifting Scripture, such as Psalm 30, which says that " … weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (v. 5) and reminds me that God can turn my "wailing into dancing" (v. 11). While we all know singleness can be a blast, we also know there are those inevitable days when it's a struggle—so why not take some of the sting out of those times by being prepared?
Trina, Wyoming
About a Great Movie
March 26, 2003
One of my favorite flicks of 2002 is now out on video and DVD. About a Boy gives a humorous glimpse at the life of Will Freeman, a 38-year-old Londoner who's a bachelor with a capital B. Will quietly savors his self-absorbed lifestyle (made possible by the royalties of a grating but wildly popular song his dad once wrote) until his brilliant idea of trolling for available women at a local SPAT (Single Parents Alone Together) meeting backfires. Instead of ending up with the lovely blond he sets his sights on, he's somehow left with the friendship of Marcus, the loopy 12-year-old son of an even loopier single mom. This unexpected, unwanted, unlikely friendship gets Will into some hilarious antics, challenges his beloved loner-ship, and teaches him some great lessons about the value of community. A great watch for all singles.
Nora, Iowa
Get a Group
March 12, 2003
On the huge Christian university campus where we're on staff, we started a SCC group-Single by Choice or Circumstance (targeting single female faculty and staff members). Last Saturday, we hosted our first gathering.
After everyone introduced themselves and shared where they're at in their single journey, we ate dinner, then played the game Cranium, and had dessert. We met at 4pm and planned to end about 8pm to make it an early evening, but no one wanted to leave … we were having such a great time together!
At the outset of our first gathering, we told the group this isn't a Bible study or grief support group, but a gathering simply to have fun together a couple times a month and to network with other singles on campus. We had 11 people at our first gathering but have heard of interest from many others. It's exciting to see this dream come to fruition!
J. Debra Halsmith and Carol A. Marshall
Host a Singles Shower
February 26, 2003
Recently, a few single women in my church and I talked about how difficult it's been to set up a household on our own. We agreed it's unfair that only married women or soon-to-be-married women get all kinds of household gifts at showers, so we started a new tradition. We decided to throw a shower for anyone who's still single on her 30th birthday. The birthday girl registers for gifts, and the hostess sends out invitations to her family and friends. It's been a great success, and a lot of fun!
Penny, Texas
Happy Valentine's Day
10 singles share how they celebrate the "day of love"
February 12, 2003
I plan to spend this Valentine's Day with my family. I've made valentines for my niece and nephew and am armed with craft supplies to help them make some for their parents. My dear sister has a debilitating degenerative disease and wanted to spend Valentine's Day with me! My plans are to spend the day with her, and then help her get all prettied up to go on a date with her husband that night. Then I'll enjoy pizza and games with the kids. The whole day is about spending time with those you love, not always romantically, but love in all its forms. I find the most fun in giving sweet gifts to friends and family. I love this holiday!
Name withheld
READ MORE …
Valentine's Camping Trip
January 29, 2003
A bunch of us singles at the church I attend in Florida were wondering what to do for the most romantic day of the year. The "official" singles event for Valentine's Day is an outing to an ice hockey game, but many of us thought going down to the Keys for a camping trip for Valentine's weekend would be more exciting. Plus we could spend the entire weekend, as Valentine's Day falls on a Friday this year. We've reserved a big campsite in a place known as "The Heart of Paradise." How appropriate! We're looking forward to food, fellowship, and fun; and of course the main attraction will be God's presence, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them" (Matthew 18: 20).
Karen, Florida
Write Yourself a Letter
January 15, 2003
Just as many people view New Years, I look at my birthday (which happens to fall on January 4) as a time for reflection and goal setting. About five years ago, I heard and began to practice the following suggestion: On each New Years or birthday, write yourself a letter about the things you'd like to happen in the coming year. These can be resolutions, aspirations, spiritual goals, or even your wildest dreams! Those of us who are regular journal-ers often find ourselves doing this naturally each year; but those who are pencil shy could even write themselves an e-mail. I prefer to write it on stationary, slide it into an envelope, and tuck it in the back of my journal for the new year. Then on your birthday or New Year's Eve of the following year, reread your letter. For the first several years, I just wrote "ditto" after some of my wishes and transferred them to the following year. By the end of the fourth year, I discovered, to my amazement, that many of my aspirations, desires, and goals had been fulfilled.
Cori Jones, Florida
Make a Singleness Resolution
January 1, 2003
Since I never seem to be able to keep the same old resolutions every year to start exercising regularly, lose weight, or be better organized, I decided to change my tactic. This year, I'm making a goal to positively impact my singleness. Thankfully, a few other singles at my church are willing to do the same, and we're starting a new singles Bible study in January. I know meeting regularly with these upbeat, well-rounded single people will do me good, and the accountability to spend time regularly in God's Word won't hurt either! Whether you decide to attend a singles conference, make steps toward buying your own home, start venturing out in public solo on occasion, or read a couple of good books about healthy singleness, this fresh start to the new year can have lasting affect on your singleness satisfaction.
Janice, Kansas
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