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None of Your Business?
6 singles share stories of confronting friends about their love life
February 7, 2007
A Hard-Earned Lesson
Two of my friends were entering a relationship that wouldn't have been good for either of them. One of them was older and should have known better, so unfortunately, I was somewhat harsh with him when I talked to him about it. I don't regret talking to him, but I do regret the way I talked to him. I later apologized, but a friendship dissolved that day.
I prayed mightily before speaking with my other friend. God gave me grace and kindness along with the firmness needed when we talked. I went prepared with Bible verses, loving words, and a hug. She didn't take my advice, but she respected the fact that I cared for her and was trying to be a friend. The relationship broke up not long after, and she later told me God opened her eyes to see what I'd been trying to tell her. That made her appreciate what I'd tried to do even more.
I learned how to confront people the hard way. I lost not one, but about five friendships because of how I talked to my first friend. Many other people sided with him, even though they knew what he was doing was wrong. I'd absolutely confront someone again, but now I know the right way to do it. Proverbs says, "A soft answer turns away wrath." Soft words, God's truth, a lot of prayer, and a genuine love for the friend are the tools we need to confront well.
-Charlene C.
Bringing Truth to Light
A friend of mine was dating a guy who said he loved her, but he didn't back it up with his actions. None of her friends felt he was any good for her, but she was determined to give him a chance. One of our mutual friends got in "Amy's" face and practically tried to bully her into giving him up. Unfortunately, that only strained their friendship.
I've taken the path of respect, allowing her to make her own choices while at the same time gently yet firmly pointing out discrepancies and red flags for her consideration. Over the past several weeks she's seen things in him that have made her very unhappy. She's finally decided not to pursue a relationship past friendship.
I should also mention I've done a lot of praying. My standard prayer is from John 3, that the truth would come to light and the person seeing the truth would accept and act upon it accordingly. This type of prayer is without bias, because only the Lord knows the full truth of what's in a person's heart and mind. Only he can truly cause those motives to be revealed. If the guy had truly loved her and been a good, godly choice for her, I believe God would have brought that truth to the light for all of us, Amy included. It didn't work out that way this time. Hopefully there'll soon be a next time for her.
-J
A Cautionary Tale
I've confronted a friend before about her love life. It was in college and we were good friends. When her parents suddenly got divorced, her world turned upside down. She broke up with her boyfriend (a good friend of mine) and started going out with a man I suspected to be gay. I confronted her, and she said she'd talk to him. I guess they talked, but nothing changed. To make a long story short, she stopped talking to me and I began to see a distinct change in her. She went from wearing classy clothes to dressing scantily. She isn't the same person and, sadly, we're no longer friends.
I don't care if you're the strongest Christian in the world, dating an ungodly man or woman will turn your heart from the Lord. I see now why God commanded King Solomon not to marry any foreign women since they might cause him to worship their god. Solomon didn't listen, and thus his heart was also turned from God.
I've experienced this myself. All my friends knew I was making a big mistake, but no one said anything. If they would have, I probably would have thought twice. I think we should always love our sisters and brothers enough to tell them the truth.
-name withheld
Tough Love
I've confronted several women about their dating relationships, but one was particularly hard for me. She was dating a man who clearly didn't share her passion for the Lord. I essentially asked her if he shared her level of faith, and she said something like, "Who really knows if anyone loves the Lord as much as someone else."
He broke up with her a while later, and she's now married to a godly man. They have a great marriage, and they both thanked me for being the only one brave enough to confront her. At the time, however, I thought our friendship was over; she was that into this guy and that mad at me. But now our friendship is really close because we know we can and will say the hard things to one another.
-Connie
Holding Her Tongue
About a year ago I felt prompted by God to speak to a friend about an affair I thought she might be having with a mutual friend. The notion that either of these friends would ever have an affair was absolutely ludicrous to me at the time, but their actions around each other were a little too familiar. However, I kept silent because I thought I was being judgmental and a little prudish in my thinking.
Many months later, she confessed she had an affair with him. It turns out the very time I was being led by God to speak to her was when he was making advances and she was deciding whether or not to accept. They had an adulterous relationship for a little over a month before she broke it off. It breaks my heart to know God was trying to use me to help snatch a friend from the fire and I chose to be disobedient.
After my friend confessed, I knew I needed to confront the man with whom she had the affair. He was intent on hiding it from his wife, but without truth in a relationship, healing can't occur. With much prayer and sorrow, I confronted him about my disappointment with his decisions as well as his deception to his family. I told him I loved him and his family and only wanted God's best for them. I also strongly encouraged him to tell his wife. Thankfully, he did decide to confess.
I ran into her in a store a few months later, and she thanked me for having the courage to confront her husband. My only regret is that I didn't muster the courage to confront them before the affair began.
-Stephanie
The Other Perspective
I'm the friend who should have been confronted. I spent most of my college years dating a man who, looking back, probably wasn't really a Christian. However, even if he had been, there were many things about our relationship that ended up seriously hurting my relationship with Jesus.
When I finally broke it off with him my senior year, many of my friends from our campus Christian fellowship expressed their relief, saying they'd seen a lot of problems with the relationship. Yet not one of these Christian friends ever brought it up while I was with him. That really hurt, because it seemed none of them had cared enough to tell me what a mess I was making of my life.
So I'd encourage anyone with a friend in that sort of situation to take a step of faith. Even though he or she might be upset with you for a while, you just might be God's way of saving that person from even greater heartache later on.
-Becky
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