Sign up for our free newsletter:

If I'd known what was in store for me when I answered my phone yesterday afternoon, I might have done things a little differently: put on some emotional armor, gathered a cadre of supportive friends, rehearsed a witty yet profound comeback. Actually, had I known, I probably wouldn't have answered at all.

The voice on the other end belonged to Dorothy, my 70-something-year-old friend. Her words gushed out in what I've come to recognize as her "no-time-to-spare-but-must-tell-you-something-important" mode. And without so much as a "How are you?" she launched into a round of dreaded Find Yourself a Mate advice.

Apparently Dorothy had been listening to a radio program that afternoon, and a woman in her 30s had called in about the difficult time she and her friends were having meeting quality Christian men. The hosts offered this woman several pieces of advice, which Dorothy eagerly parroted to me:

1) Get a haircut.
2) Get a makeover.
3) Date men 20 years your senior because (and I quote), "Men your age are looking for 25-year-olds."
4) Ask your friends if you have any annoying habits.

A few minutes later as I hung up the phone, I shook my head, trying to decide whether this whole exchange was twistedly funny or utterly exasperating. I couldn't deny the humor, especially when I pictured Dorothy on the edge of her plastic-covered couch, surrounded by her cats, avidly transcribing the program highlights for me. But underneath the layer of comedy was a nagging rub . . . that this poor listener had received such advice (and on the air, to boot), that it had gotten passed on to me, and ultimately that our cultural climate propagates this kind of mindset in the first place.

Granted, there are bits of validity in the tips. We should take care of ourselves, be open to a range of people, maintain accountable friendships. But I find the underlying presumption rather disturbing: that if you haven't found a mate yet, it's your fault. And for those of us who bathe consistently and make regular trips to the salon, we can't help but bristle at the implication (intended or not) that the reason we're not married is because there's something dreadfully wrong with us.

Now I didn't say any of this to Dorothy—she was running off to some errands and didn't have time to chat. Besides, I found myself dumbfoundedly mute.

But after I hung up, I wondered: What is an appropriate response when I'm given this kind of advice? Certainly I'm not alone in this. My friend Tiffanie was occasionally rebuked by the "church ladies" on a given Sunday for being too choosy in her dating life. (They changed their tune after she started bringing around Blake, who undeniably met her "high standards.") Jon's friend Martin, who's been married some years now, finds occasion to point out what he perceives as the pitfalls of Jon's celibacy commitment: "You can't buy it without making sure it works, right?" And my coworker Erin can't recall how many times her well-meaning mother has tried to push her to attend her church's meat market … I mean, singles' group.

Apparently unsolicited advice just comes with the territory; we all face Dorothys at some point in our life. (And from what I hear from my married friends, it doesn't necessarily stop post-wedding, either.) So in an attempt to maintain some degree of sanity—and more idealistically, maybe even a touch of grace and godliness—I've made a list of things to shoot for when the Snag-a-Spouse advice seems laced with barbed wire.

* Look for nuggets of truth. I'll be honest, my initial response when I'm on the receiving end of less-than-heartwarming advice isn't to sift out the nuggets of truth; I'm more likely to deem it all fool's gold and call it a day. Certainly my default setting isn't to "get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life" (Proverbs 19:20). But just in case there's something to their counsel, I'm going to make an attempt to elbow out my pride and salvage any bits of truth of can. (After all, I may in fact be due for a haircut soon.)

* Know the value of a well-placed question. When Dorothy got to #4 on her list ("Ask your friends if you have any annoying habits"), I realized she had no idea this wasn't feeling like a warm, fuzzy pep talk for me. So, gulping oxygen, I said (part joking and part serious), "Well, Dorothy, do I have any annoying habits?" We're called to a delicate balancing act in Ephesians 4:15: "Speak the truth in love." I can think of a lot of reactions that come more naturally than loving confrontation—say, sarcasm, irritation, or just plain blowing the person off. But what if a well-placed question could be the road to growth—for that person, for the relationship, for me? I can't say for sure if Dorothy had an epiphany in that moment, but the question did give her pause to reflect on her words. And who knows, maybe this opening of dialogue will help some other hapless soul avoid similar agony in the future.

* Cut the advice fairy some slack. I always try to ask myself, Does this person care about me? Is the advice given in an attempt to help? Is the intent malicious? In my experiences, the answers here have been almost categorically yes, yes, and no. While that may not change the way I feel about the advice itself, it helps put in perspective my relationship with the person who's giving it. And when it comes down to it, regardless of the intent, I have little option besides grace. In light of the huge debt that's been paid on my behalf, I'd be a fool to let an infraction like unsolicited advice remain outstanding. (I'm thinking of the stinging parable in Matthew 18, about the guy whose own account was hopelessly in the red but who couldn't find it in himself to cancel someone else's petty IOU.)

So what's the upshot of all this? Well, let me give you a word or two of advice…. No, on second thought, I'm guessing you get enough of that already.

We welcome your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com

Sign up for the Singles Newsletter and receive a new article from Camerin plus community updates in your inbox every other week!

Copyright © 2007 ChristianityToday.com

Read more from 'Single Minded'

Table For One: The Savvy Girl's Guide to Singleness by Camerin Courtney You'll love this book by the Singles Channel's own Camerin Courtney! It's an honest and upbeat look at the emotions, expectations, joys, frustrations, and privileges of the single life, that will delight and inspire you! Buy it today!