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Friendly Friction
6 singles share what to do when you don't get along with your friend's spouse
May 16, 2007
Find Forgiveness
I was never close to the husband of one of my oldest friends. We were polite to each other until a situation came up where he hurt me badly. I prayed about it and was careful never to speak ill of him. I continued to hang out with my friend, but mostly when her husband was out of town or at work. After years of this, the spouse and I are finally back to the polite conversation stage.
I've realized sometimes forgiveness is more about obedience to God than about waiting for a formal apology (that often never comes). Everyone deals with personality conflicts. Sometimes it helps to remember I rub other people wrong too.
It all comes down to the command to love. If I truly value my friend, I'll make the extra effort to see what she values in the one she loves. And hope someone else does the same for me when I'm being unlovable.
-Danielle
Weigh Our Words
My sister's always been my best friend. Despite my best efforts (although I have to admit my "best efforts" weren't that impressive), I couldn't find any redeeming qualities in the man she chose to marry. I thought he was an arrogant little hobbit, and I didn't exactly roll out the red carpet to welcome him to the family. Unfortunately, by failing to love him flaws and all (which is how Christ loves us), I ended up building a wall between my sister and me.
Now that the seven-year itch has hit their marriage, my sister is reluctant to come to me for support. My earlier complaints about her husband prevent her from leaning on me during her time of need. The Bible is clear that Christians should support marriages. I fear my words, even those spoken in secret, have in some ways separated what God joined together in my sister's marriage.
I now wish I'd been more careful about what I said from the beginning of their relationship. I don't have to be best friends with the spouse, but for my own sake and the marriage's sake, I need to watch my words. I can be civil, but also limit the time I spend with the spouse if need be. I learned the hard way that failure to accept the spouse will affect the friendship—so in the end, learning to accept is worth the effort.
-Jannette
Love Unconditionally
My best friend is engaged to someone I don't like. While they were dating, I made my feelings known. My friend didn't agree with me and decided she wants to marry him anyway. I love my friend enough that I'll put aside my feelings toward her future husband. I'm the one with the issue, not her. In order to love her, I have to love him as well—they're a package deal now. I don't like it, but I love her, and that's what friendship is about.
-Heather
Make the Effort
First and foremost, I pray about the situation and ask God for guidance and wisdom in dealing with my friend's spouse.
Second, I approach the spouse. I ask him sincerely and in a non-attacking manner what I can do (or not do) to help bridge the gap between us. I explain that I want to get along with him and that I value him as an individual. I make sure to use "I" phrases, such as, "What can I do?" or "What can I stop doing?" so he doesn't feel as if I'm pointing the finger at him. That only widens the gap between us.
Third, I follow through. I try my best to show him respect and courtesy until we become comfortable and a friendship begins to form. At this point he usually also puts forth some effort to meet me partway.
This may seem like a lot of work, but in the end it pays off. My friend greatly appreciates my efforts, and my friendship with her—and her spouse—is closer than ever.
-Christine
Look for the Good
A friend of mine is married to someone I don't like. But it hasn't been an issue for me, because early in their relationship I took a step back and consciously tried to find the good in her husband. Because I valued this friendship and respected my friend's choices, I figured she had to have seen something great in this man to choose to spend the rest of her life with him.
When I took that step back and observed how this couple relate to one another, I saw some of his positive qualities and what makes him a wonderful husband for her. Whenever we spend time together, I focus on those positives instead of the things I don't like about him.
Bottom line: As long as my friend is happy, then I can put aside my differences with her husband and have a good time in their company.
-Tracy
Be the Change
I had trouble with a dear friend's husband for years. One of the best things I did was ask God to help me understand what it was about this guy that bothered me. I chose to forgive him when he hurt my feelings, and I prayed for God's blessing in his life. Finally, I changed my behavior toward him and tried my best to see him through God's eyes. Gradually our relationship got better. I've tried this tactic in several strained relationships, and ultimately I've always changed the way I see the other person, not the other way around.
I now really like my friend's husband and consider him a good friend. And I truly appreciate the way he loves my friend.
-Beth
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