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Dealing with Divorce
6 singles share how God's helped them through the greatest struggle of their marriage's demise.
August 29, 2007
Money Matters
After five years of trying to work out my marriage, I've been divorced for over a year. My biggest struggle since the divorce has been my finances. Sure, I have financial support from my ex-husband, but it's not even close to the income we shared together. I went from a house to a small apartment, and from a nice SUV to a junker car. I had to declare bankruptcy when I lost my home due to foreclosure. And I had to quit my low-paying full-time job and go back to school full-time for training in a better-paying career.
But through these difficulties, I've gained self-respect, self-esteem, and stronger faith. I've also gotten additional education and many new friends. I was very private about my marriage because it was based on lies. When I finally decided to tell the truth, I was free to be myself. And with that liberation came all the blessings I've received. My divorce was the worst experience of my life—but it also brought about some of the best.
-Jennifer
Lonely Longing
Loneliness is debilitating for those who've divorced, especially after a long marriage. We struggle with the loss of a best friend to share sorrows or praise with us. Or we grieve over the emptiness on the other side of the bed where we once felt the security of a spouse. And if we had a houseful of children, we may have to endure the silence of their absence.
We long to return to the security we once enjoyed, so we vault into the next relationship, ignoring any red flags. More often than not, we become part of the inevitable train wreck of another failed marriage. Author and counselor Myles Munroe wisely recommends becoming a separate, unique, and whole individual before starting a relationship after surviving divorce.
To begin carrying out his recommendation, I joined my local DivorceCare support group. My greatest struggle throughout the recovery process was understanding God still loved me despite my divorce, and reconciling my relationship with him as I persevered in my quest to become a whole person.
-Jackson
Family Acceptance
Since my divorce, I've struggled most with being accepted back into the family of God. I felt I belonged to that family from when I accepted Jesus at age nine all the way up to when I got divorced.
I didn't abuse my spouse or just call it quits. I was faithful to my wife, but she wasn't faithful to me. Although my grounds for divorce were biblical, they didn't stop the attitude changes in those around me. Long-time friends were suddenly distant. When one acquaintance asked where my wife was and I told him I'd divorced recently, he took several steps back and never spoke to me again. If that weren't bad enough, I discovered that many avenues of ministry I once enjoyed became suddenly unavailable.
Seven years have passed since my divorce. And though I no longer lead worship, teach Sunday school, and chaperone youth events, I'm now as active as possible in choir. The church I attend loves and accepts me—as do I them.
-Keith
Good Grief
My biggest struggle was grief. Grief that I couldn't find a way to resolve the issues with my spouse. Grief over what our divorce did—and continues to do—to my kids. Grief that my husband didn't care enough to work on our problems. Grief over the poor support my church gave me through the process.
I also wrestled with loneliness—not having a partner in decisions and difficulties. Raising teens is tough in a solid marriage. Doing it by myself, I constantly questioned my judgment. I couldn't demand respect from my children when I didn't have much for myself. And I felt isolated as a single female homeowner, dealing with a dishwasher service technician's lying about the warranty, needing to replace a fuse on the electrical panel, or having to fix the car making a funny noise. Despite being a well-educated, capable professional, I feel frustrated and incompetent during episodes like these.
But through them, God has taught me much. I'm now more honest with him about my feelings and frustrations, and more open with good friends about my hurts, fears, and insecurities. I'm gradually learning to be OK with asking for help. And I'm learning to be more forgiving of those who unintentionally hurt me or even openly judge me, while also standing up for myself. Life isn't perfect, but it's getting better.
-Julia
Identity Issues
I'm a divorced 40something mom of three teenage girls. When I initially left my marriage, my greatest struggle was knowing who I was apart from the marriage. I'd built my life around being a wife, mother, housekeeper, and homeschool teacher. I had to leave my ex's house and move back home with my mom and dad. I packed my minivan with three kids, two cats, a broken heart, and the stress of starting a new life from scratch. I spent many dark, lonely nights on my face in despair before my Savior asking how I was going to support my kids and get through this upheaval. I felt God answer, "We'll do it together, one day at a time."
Soon the Lord provided a great career and a support system of family and friends. He took me on a journey of the heart that led through great tribulation to forgiveness and self-discovery. I began to see my value and beauty to him despite the wreckage behind me. I discovered the blood of the Cross, not the wounds of divorce, define me. I couldn't have survived that trauma, body and soul intact, without daily affirmation of the Lord's love and provision.
-Christine
Solo Parenting
My greatest post-divorce struggle is being a single parent. Beyond the difficulties of raising a child alone, I've watched my daughter's pain when she lost her father, her disappointment when he wasn't involved in her life, her low self-esteem when she wonders if her dad's inattentiveness is because she's not a good enough person.
I'm determined not to let my child become just another statistic of a broken home. I've laughed and cried with her, helping her become a young woman who has strength, integrity, and love for the Lord. God has so blessed me with sound churches, Christian mentors who won't give up on me, and strength to make the right decisions regarding my daughter.
She's now 16, a good student, a loving young woman on fire for the Lord. God has guided our lives, giving me strength to work two, sometimes three jobs to pay for Christian schooling, and sending me positive people to help with childcare in the absence of family. Through his grace, I've accepted my circumstances, and I never doubt for one minute that he'll continue to bless us.
-Chris
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