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The Geography of Singleness
11 singles share their experience in a small town, suburb, or city
September 13, 2007
The Best of Both Worlds
After divorcing in my late 30s, I noticed the small church where I grew up seemed much emptier than I'd remembered. I still had many married friends there, but, of the church's 150 or so regular attenders, the few unmarried women were all college-aged. The same was true for other churches in the area: All my peers were married, and the singles were half my age.
My pastor suggested I contact a large sister church in nearby Boston to find out what was going on there for people my age. It was the best thing I ever did. They have an entire ministry for people my age. About 100 men and women, many of them single, are involved. I've made more friends in the past year than ever before.
I remain a member of my small church; I attend Sunday morning services and participate in ministry there. I also attend afternoon services in Boston, and take part in Bible studies and other activities with my friends there. Between the two churches, I have the best of both worlds.
-Dan
A Close Bond
Finding activities for our singles group is difficult in a small town. There are only so many places to eat and things to see here. Many of our activities involve trips to other cities. Meeting new singles is also challenging in a small town because we've pretty much met everyone unless someone new moves in. Although our group tries to reach out to singles groups in surrounding towns, we haven't had much success.
However, being in such a small town lets us really get to know the singles in our group. We've been a support team for each other and become quite close as a result. We know we can always call each other if we need to pray, talk, or hang out with someone. For me, these blessings outweigh the limitations of a small town.
-Temeca
Singled Out
I grew up in a rural community, went to college in a city, and lived in Phoenix, Arizona, for years before moving to my current home, Washington, DC,. I've found living in the city much easier than living in the suburbs. In Phoenix, everyone lived in nicely planned communities and had a spouse, kids, a dog, and a pool. I was the odd woman out. After I left, all my friends who remained got married. Some admit they may have settled for a spouse who wasn't their first choice or wasn't God's best for them, perhaps due to the pressure of fitting in with the suburban lifestyle.
I lived in the suburbs when I first moved to the DC area. I constantly came into the city to attend singles functions. I also sought out a church in the city because I'd found suburban churches barely had singles ministries, and everyone there prayed for me to get married. My suburban church also wasn't very service oriented; it had a health and fitness ministry for moms, but no ministries for those in the surrounding community.
I love living in the city. I'm constantly at live music events, museums, theater productions, and festivals where other singles, not just families, attend. I'm not anti-family; I desire to be married and have children. But I'm not married, and I don't need the suburbs' constant reminder of that fact.
-Sherrie
The Price is Right
I live in a small community about 30 miles from a city of 300,000 people. Even though housing prices are reasonable in the city, the cost is much lower in my rural town. Plus it has less crime and friendlier neighbors.
Because meeting singles in a small community is difficult, I belong to a Christian singles group in the city. And if I go to church for any reason other than to praise God, I'll always be disappointed.
-Tim
Peace and Quiet
I live in the suburbs for the peace and quiet. If I were still in my early 20s, I might want to live in an urban environment to be near other singles and the nightlife, arts and culture, expensive shoe shopping, and ridiculously overpriced lattes singles typically enjoy. However, as a 30something single, I'd rather have the choice of driving 15-20 minutes into the city to dine, dance, and shop, or of staying home in the quiet.
If a single lives alone, the affordability of housing doesn't vary much depending on location. In the suburbs, the housing is larger to accommodate families—so I pay for space. In the city, the housing is smaller to accommodate singles—so I'd pay for access to all the city offers. I'd rather have space in the suburbs so friends and family can easily visit me.
-Nicole
Life Is a Highway
I live in the Los Angeles area. The cost of living here is excruciatingly high, but it does force us into some form of community with roommates and shared living arrangements. People in LA are friendly and easy to meet, but they're often too busy to form deep relationships. Because many people can't afford to live in the city, they commute from surrounding areas. Between ten-hour days and two-hour commutes—all to pay the expensive rent—having the energy and enthusiasm to meet others is hard.
The great weather and proximity to beaches, mountains, and world-class entertainment make LA a great city to explore with someone special. But meeting that someone special is tough—unless you exchange phone numbers while stopped on the 405 freeway heading south!
-Leanne
The Right Fit
When my wife died two years ago, my preteen son and I started attending a dynamic urban church with a young congregation. I chose it because my son and I both like contemporary music, and we're good friends with a couple there. I think this type of urban/young/hip church is a great place for younger singles to meet people and connect. However, I quickly realized that, at 44, I was too old to fit in with this group. Plus, they didn't have many children to fellowship with my son.
Now we've joined a suburban megachurch with many families and middle-aged members. I don't quite fit in to their typical family demographic, but based on the ages, I don't feel as awkward. And they have an active youth program for my son. For a middle-aged single parent, the suburban model is an ideal fit.
-Charles
Confessions of a Country Mouse
I live in the middle of nowhere. The nearest Starbucks is an hour's drive away. A widow in my early 40s, I've experienced rural life both when married and when single.
I now have many single friends, and we all maintain our own households. Doing so is expensive, so we live rather simply, an easy task since we don't have good coffee, book, and bread shops here! We recently discussed a shared living arrangement since we're all losing money on property taxes and utilities.
However, other people might think our choice odd. If I, a single and an outsider, do anything adventurous, like go to a movie or on vacation by myself, the people born and raised here think I'm odd. Also, they automatically think I'm a match for any single man who happens into town. Such matchmaking no doubt happens in the city, but it's more pronounced in a small community since singles are more visible.
I have single friends who live in bigger cities and seem to have fewer friends and be less active. My friends and I always find something inexpensive to do, whether shopping at a farmers' market or attending a festival. We also travel to other parts of the country, but we've noticed our big city friends don't leave the city much. Who knew we country mice were better-traveled than city mice?
-Lynne
London Calling
About 15 years ago, I was a single 20something living in a rural area of South East England. Many of my colleagues and friends were married, and most people in my church married in their early 20s. I felt quite isolated; so ten years ago I decided to move back to London, where I'd attended college.
Living in the city has been a positive experience. At first I attended a large central London church that included many single people and offered good fellowship and a range of ministries. More recently I joined a small Anglican church in a diverse part of the inner city. The church contains families and single people of all ages. Many of them are African single parents living in public housing and struggling financially. This friendly neighborhood church offers many opportunities to get involved in a needy community.
Work opportunities are good here, as are opportunities to pursue my interests in music and the arts. I wouldn't choose singleness at this stage of my life, but good friends and fellowship with others in similar situations have made it a good experience. I don't want to live in the country or even the suburbs again.
-Fran
Just a Small-town Boy
Being single in a small rural town can be frustrating. Before the internet, the only options for us men were to marry a high school sweetheart, find a spouse in college, meet someone while serving in the military, or spend our earthly life as a bachelor.
Many men in small towns work in occupations that don't allow the freedom to relocate or to be away from the farm for long. Often, we know everyone in town, including their family background and life history, making us hesitant to hook up with singles in our area. And many of them aren't Christians. Thankfully, the advent of online dating and sites such as farmersonly.com dramatically increases our chances of finding a mate with rural Christian values.
-Sam
A Fish Out of Water
When I moved from downtown to the suburbs three years ago, I felt like a fish out of water. Two single friends and I shared a house (more room, less rent). As I drove past kids, dogs, and trampolines, I thought, Where am I?!
When I first began attending my large, life-giving church, it didn't have a singles group for 30-40somethings, only for those in their 20s. I mentioned this lack to one of the pastors, and he told me to start a group. So for the past few years, I've led the group I started. We have weekly Bible study, potlucks, and events like movies, mini golf, and parties. Being involved in this community is a good way to connect.
-Jackie
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