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Remedial Relationships
by Camerin Courtney
November 7, 2007
A couple months ago, I had dinner with my friend Sheila, a fellow singleton, at a fun, new outdoor café. As we munched our entrees, we caught up on our respective work projects, church ministries, and dating woes. The latter topic elicited a comment from Sheila that stuck with me for weeks.
"What's frustrating is that every other area of my life is moving forward while my love life seems stuck in neutral, or reverse," she confessed. "I've always known how to work hard to get ahead, and success has come fairly easily for me. But in dating relationships, nothing I do seems to make any difference. I just feel so remedial in this area."
Remedial. Someone not living up to potential. A D student on the brink of failure.
I looked at Sheila, a successful career woman who'd just bought a home and launched a ministry for inner-city girls. Remedial is the last word I'd use to describe her, yet I knew exactly what she meant.
The daughter of teachers, I was always a good student. Though doing so took months, I landed a good job out of college. I've risen through the ranks and even published a couple books in the process. I've built a strong network of friends and volunteered with a ministry to refugees and immigrants for the past six years. I'm not rich or famous, but I'm doing fine, thanks to God's amazing grace.
I don't mention these accomplishments to toot my own horn, but to show the stark contrast between my vocational, financial, spiritual, and emotional life and my dating life. I've maintained some sort of forward motion (albeit sometimes I've lost ground before gaining it) in most areas of my life … save one: romantic relationships.
Someone sign me up for summer school.
My remedialness isn't for lack of trying. I've gone on blind dates, signed up for multiple Internet dating sites, gone out with most any guy who's asked who hasn't made me scared or squeamish. Some might suggest the You're Too Picky argument here. But though I certainly don't claim perfect placement on the pickiness continuum, none of my decisions to walk away from relationships have elicited "Are you sure?" or "What are you thinking?" comments from friends and family members.
Regardless of my efforts, here I am, still single in my mid 30s, with nothing to show for my two decades of dating but several false starts and a few broken hearts.
As I thought about the label of remedial dater and chatted with single friends and God about it, I realized, as with most issues in the single life, my remedial status offered a lesson to be learned.
I thought back to my first date in high school. I remembered how awkward and nervous I was. How I was impressed with the guy mainly because he was older and showed me attention. How I kissed him goodnight because I thought I was supposed to. Twenty years later, I admit I still have my share of awkward and nervous dating moments as well as some misplaced affections, but I also know I've gotten more confident, comfortable, discerning, and less desperate. In the process, I hope I've enriched the lives of a few guys I've dated; I know they've enriched mine.
I also realized one of the most maddening parts about wanting a good, God-honoring marriage is my lack of power to make it happen. Sure, I can circulate where single men hang out, ask friends to set me up, go out with guys who ask, but none of my efforts will make a guy who's a good fit for me suddenly materialize. And while that powerlessness can frustrate me, it can also shape me.
For even though I give lip service and head knowledge to the fact that God controls my life, I can still feel my efforts actually determine its course. If I study hard, I get good grades. If I work hard, I get ahead in my career. If I stay disciplined, I get a book published. I can know these blessings are gifts from God, but deep down I can feel I've earned them. I can ascribe too much power and control to myself.
Having an ongoing longing in my life reminds me that God's the one who gives and takes away. That every good and perfect gift comes from him. That he's the God of the universe, and I'm just his wayward, grateful, hard-working, powerless, short-sighted … and single … child.
My still-singleness keeps me humble, not because it suggests that I'm a loser, but because it reminds me that my good efforts only go so far, that I desperately need God's grace, and that he's faithful when I experience plenty and want. Some days, my singleness makes me think of the thorn in the flesh that kept Paul from becoming conceited (2 Corinthians 12:7). He begged God to take this mysterious affliction away, but God communicated, "No. I'll do you one better—I'll meet you in the pain." On my good days, when I let it, singleness plays this role in my life as well—instead of taking away my longing, God can meet me richly in it.
Of course, this realization doesn't diminish my desire for a spouse and doesn't take away my occasional frustration. But it does help me see I do have something to show for these many years of dating: more confidence when I find myself sitting across a restaurant or coffee shop table from a new date, an increased dependence on God's provision, and a greater understanding that when I'm weak, only then, buoyed by God's sufficient grace, am I truly strong.
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Copyright © 2007 ChristianityToday.com
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