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10 singles share their online relationship experiences
January 16, 2008
On a Shopping Spree
In my many years of online dating, I've tried Match, Christian Mingle, Big Church, Yahoo Personals, and eHarmony. I've never viewed web dating as strange or unsafe, but I haven't found a serious long-term relationship. I love that online, I can view a prospective date's traits—his age, hobbies, religion, interest in raising a family—at one glance. However, with so many singles online, the majority of men seem to want to keep "shopping" without stopping!
Online dating has other drawbacks as well. Internet dating is time-consuming and costly. And in my experience, Christian sites offer very few matches, and most of those matches live far away. Some people misrepresent themselves (not necessarily intentionally) with outdated photos, and other people "talk a good talk" but lack character and substance. Also, profile information is largely subjective. Just because someone writes, "I have a great sense of humor," doesn't mean I'll find it great! So for now, I'm using the Internet to find friends, not dates.
-Name withheld
A Match Made Online
In a couple months, I'm marrying a Christian man I met through the web. Internet dating was a long process for me and a short process for my fiancé. My personal experience suggests many more women than men are on Internet dating sites. Therefore, women take longer to "find a match" than do men. Internet dating (like all dating) requires a certain mindset of not expecting to instantly meet the perfect person. I viewed Internet dating as simply another way to meet interesting people. If I met a "love interest," I'd be happy. If I didn't, I'd still enjoy the opportunity to learn about myself and about what I want in a life partner.
I also believed God, if he had one for me, would provide a husband at the right time and circumstance. God won't let the Internet circumvent his will, but he definitely can use the web for his purposes.
-Amanda
A Price to Pay
My Internet dating experience was mostly unsuccessful. On Christian dating sites, I met non-Christians and Christians. I communicated with honest people and dishonest people. I found guys who didn't want a relationship, guys who simply wanted a toss in the sack (but didn't get one), and guys who desperately wanted a replacement spouse or a replacement parent for their kids. I never connected with anyone beyond e-mails and instant messages, occasional calls, or rare in-person get-togethers. I found Internet dating too expensive for what I received from it.
I no longer use the Internet to meet guys. I'd rather meet guys through church and other social activities, where people can vouch for the guy (or warn me), and where I can develop a friendship with him before considering a relationship. Dating is working better this way. And potential dates can't lie about their appearance or personality.
-Deb
What's the Alternative?
I've tried online dating sporadically during the last four years, and I'm torn what to think about it. It's introduced me to singles I wouldn't otherwise have met in my busy life. But many online daters are looking for perfection, and when they discover one flaw, they walk away. I think many women are scared off because I'm divorced.
However, what's my other option besides Internet dating? Where do I go when I can't find potential dates at work or church? Do I go bar-hopping or try to pick someone up at the gym? For now, Internet dating seems like the best option. I get a basic read on people's personality and looks. Then I pray for guidance and go from there.
-Don
Success Story
Years ago I realized there were hardly any single Christian guys around me, and the ones who were would inevitably hook up with some other woman. So I tried internet dating as a last resort. At first I'd hunt for my perfect guy among the profiles, contact him, get my hopes up, and then inevitably be disappointed. Finally, I prayed, "God, if you have somebody for me, then let him contact me for a change!" Then I sat back, and for several months nothing happened. I actually forgot my profile was still listed!
One day, though, a guy contacted me out of the blue. To make a long story short, we started off as friends, our relationship developed into romance, and we ended up getting married! That was three years ago, and we're still quite happy with each other.
I believe Internet dating worked for my husband and me because we were older and had gotten tired of the dating game. We were ready to settle down, so we weren't afraid to tackle tough issues to get to know each other. Also, having to travel to see each other actually enhanced our relationship. We didn't waste time with "ho-hum" dates, sitting over coffee wondering what to say. We got busy meeting each other's families, attending our respective churches, and generally getting to know each other.
Internet dating certainly isn't for everyone, but it can work for some people if you use it wisely and with God's leading. Trying to confine God to a box and saying he can only orchestrate relationships one way greatly underestimates his power.
-Lori
Taken by Surprise
I was always afraid of online dating because I feared seeming "desperate" or meeting a stalker. I even thought I'd be interfering with God's plans. However, after graduating from college and losing several friends to marriage and moves, I decided to find new friends. I figured one way to do so was to sign up for online dating sites and take advantage of "free trials."
Over the course of a year, I talked to several wonderful guys on each site. But nothing ever developed … until Jake. Jake and I were very similar, and he helped me through a rough time in my life. I'm convinced God brought Jake into my life for a reason, and I'm thankful for his friendship. However, nothing more than friendship developed with Jake. He eventually married another girl.
About a week after I broke off communication with Jake, I met Robert. He was eight years older than I, lived 1,200 miles away, and seemed a little "nerdy." I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship, but I tried to build a friendship anyway. After about a year of talking online, he began calling me. I still didn't see a romance developing, but I loved his friendship, encouragement, and understanding. Five months later, he visited family members near my town and decided to visit me. That first-time meeting ignited a spark. After talking and seeking God's will, Robert moved near me. That risky step was scary for both of us. But seven months later, our relationship is going great!
I loved meeting people online, because we got to know each other on the inside without letting outward appearances keep us from experiencing God's potential plan for us. If I needed to, I'd definitely try Internet dating again.
-Sarah
The Distance Issue
I haven't had much luck with Internet dating. I've had plenty of luck getting dates, just no luck finding someone with whom I'd like to spend a significant amount of my time—or life. At first, Internet dating seemed like a great idea—sitting at home in my PJs, getting to know someone safely online, talking on the phone, then meeting at a neutral location. But I've been disappointed in the guys I've met through the web, and I don't think I've been too picky.
Internet dating often leads to long-distance relationships (especially for people like me who live in a small Midwestern town). I tried dating a guy long distance once. We got to know each other quite well via phone and e-mail. So when we finally met, we assumed we'd be a couple. Three months later, the relationship ended painfully. I now realize I never would have dated the guy if I'd met him in person first. So I don't have much faith in long-distance relationships.
I quit Internet dating, and I hope to develop a good relationship the old-fashioned way. I can't wait to see what happens next!
-Linda
Friend Finder
About a year ago, I tried Internet dating for the first time. The men at my church were all either married or not interested in me. So I signed up for a three-month membership on a well-known site. I had very few matches and only one date. While the man was nice, we knew we weren't compatible.
A few months later, I signed up for a lesser-known Christian dating website. I've "met" many nice men through this service. I like this site better because I choose whom to contact. I don't have to wait for matches to come to me. Unfortunately, the closer to me a man is located, the less interested in me he seems.
However, I now have Internet buddies all over the country. If one of them turns into something more, I'll be happy; and if none of them does, I'll still be happy. The key to Internet dating is remaining happy in whatever circumstance the Lord chooses. I have yet to get a date from the dating site I'm currently trying, but I still enjoy meeting people this way.
-Jennifer
A Helpful Tool
I've tried Internet dating (Christian and secular sites) off and on since my divorce 11 years ago. I've dated some wonderful men I met there, and have formed a few lasting friendships as well. I've discovered Christian men don't always use Christian dating sites; I've met three Christian guys on secular sites.
But I learned to be careful regardless of where I met a date. A few men wouldn't take "no" for an answer and continued to pursue me even after I clearly communicated I wasn't interested. I blocked their messages. Another man tried to gain credit card information from me, and I quickly reported him to the police, only to discover he's married.
Though the web is a great tool to meet people, people can say anything online. Meeting in person to verify the truth of potential dates' profiles is important. But these meetings need to be handled carefully as well. I always let someone know where I'll be.
-Ellen
Not for Me
One year after my divorce, I joined Christian Mingle. I immediately clicked with a lady several states away. We'd both been married for more than 20 years. Her husband had recently died, and my wife had walked out. Mistakenly, we felt we only needed to have those similarities and our faith in common. We couldn't have been more wrong. I was a country boy living on a ranch in central Colorado; she was a city girl living in Atlanta. When she visited me for four days, we both realized we could never be married. However, we've remained good friends and still keep in touch.
Next I met "Ms. California." She and I had much in common. She owned a ranch, loved horses, had big dogs, and hated city life. Plus, she drove an ATV. Surely this match was made in heaven! She sold her ranch and bought one near mine. We even talked about marriage. But six months later, I wasn't in love with her. She broke up with me and married another man. We're all friends, and I've even stayed at their ranch a couple times.
Next I met "Ms. Washington" on FarmersOnly.com. We talked for hours on the phone. But after she moved to Colorado, she broke nearly every date with me. Two months later, I ended our relationship and decided to look online only for women living in Colorado. But the results weren't much better.
I finally felt God say to me, "All your relationships have ended in disaster. When you're ready to stop trying on your own and want me to get involved, let me know." So I quit online dating. I've started dancing with a large Christian singles group. There I've met and dated a number of single Christian ladies. I'm happier now and am learning how to build relationships.
Online dating allowed me to be anonymous and not have to learn valuable relationship skills. In person, I'm finding out how to communicate, be vulnerable, and take risks. At 54, I'm learning how to date. In dance, I lead, and the lady follows. In dating, God leads, and I follow. Online dating may be right for some people; it's just not right for me.
-Michael
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