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Staying Soft
By Camerin Courtney
October 3, 2001
Love is in the air. Not for me, mind you, but definitely for several of my friends. In a swell of maturity I can only attribute to God's grace, I've felt nothing but joy in watching these dear sisters bask in the glow of new love.
It was a treat to see my pragmatic friend Lisa snuggling with her beau of eight months when we were at the demolition derby this past weekend. It must be love if you can be inspired to romance while cars are pulverizing each other mere feet away! My normally sassy friend Ruth has actually been giggly lately when we, her friends, have inquired about her growing number of dates with a certain corn farmer. During the years I've known and loved these women, they've never dated anyone. So these have been glimpses at completely new aspects of their personality. The softer side, if you will.
When Susan, a single out-of-state colleague, and I were talking on the phone recently about her new love interest, she brought up this softening capability of romantic love. She's noticed it in herself since she began seeing a widower who recently started attending her church. This independent career woman has been more relaxed, kinder, gentler. The exact inverse of what I've sometimes felt in myself during my growing number of single years.
I'll admit there are times I've been downright prickly during my tenure as a single person. Times when my independence has become too fierce and I've lashed out at those who've tried to help me with the big and small tasks of life. Days when, conditioned by too many me-nights, I've snapped at my closest friends when deciding what movie to see or restaurant to eat at. Moments when tunnel vision has led me to overlook the needs of others in a selfish "every man for himself" outlook.
While some of this ugliness can be attributed simply to my fallen humanness, there have been days, moments, conversations when I've seen a different source: my singleness. And I've had a handful of conversations over the years with single friends who've noticed the same phenomenon in themselves.
In those conversations we've tossed around some of the possible reasons we singles can be kinda "tough." I've brought up the countless times I've schlepped my laundry up and down the three flights of stairs to and from my apartment and across town to the laundromat by myself, driven around in the rain looking for a parking space in a crowded lot while watching married women be dropped off at the door, and trudged to the store for medicine and to the kitchen to make soup for myself when I'm sick. This all sounds ragingly pathetic, which is the very reason we singles can begin to toughen up and pretend like it's no big deal to have to constantly fend for ourselves. Save your pity, we can handle it. We don't NEED anyone.
There's also the way that having our hearts broken a few times can lead us to construct walls around our softer sides, and having desires unmet year after year can lead to a loss of hope and a bit of callousing from well-worn feelings of loneliness and longing. And, amazingly enough, all these shifts in attitude and character happen so slowly and subtly over the years, we often don't even realize it — until we lash out at someone or catch a rare glimpse at our hardening heart. Or suddenly see the softer side of a friend who's newly in love.
In the same way that "iron sharpens iron" (Proverbs 27:17), hearts seem to soften hearts when they get close enough to one another. Together they seem to expand each other's capacity to beat for the needs of others, to allow others in, to risk and grow and reach out really far knowing there's a safe harbor to return to. Of course, this isn't to say that all dating or married people are always all sweetness and light. But there are definite dynamics of the single life — having to be independent and protective of our hearts — that can lead to a certain toughness. A toughness that I, for one, am not satisfied with. One I don't want to settle for because I don't think it honors or aptly reflects the God of all love.
So, inspired by my giggly, softer, newly-in-love friends, I've been attempting some self-tenderizing, so to speak. Recently I dug out my gratitude journal, one of those books with blank lines to jot in what you're thankful for each day. I love the way filling this out each night before I go to bed forces me to see the positive points in each day, and reading through back entries warms my heart as I trace God's hand in my life. I've been trying to ask and allow for help from others more. My car gave me a great opportunity for this recently by being in the shop for a week. Getting rides from friends and coworkers for seven days in a row reinforced a healthy interdependence in my normally fiercely independent self. And this week I plan to call about a volunteer opportunity at a local refugee ministry I spied in my church bulletin a couple weeks ago. I have a hunch that being around folks who so desperately need love and practical assistance will help pry open my occasionally clamped-shut heart.
I know all these steps will make me more open and vulnerable and will involve a certain amount of risk. But it's been too long since I've had a really good giggle.
Blessings!
Camerin Courtney
Camerin welcomes your feedback and brainstorms at:
SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com
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Copyright © 2001 ChristianityToday.com
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