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I endured an excruciating divorce seven years ago and have been happily involved with a great Christian man for the past year. We got engaged in November and set a wedding date. But before you start yawning through this happy-ending story, read on.

The engagement immediately brought to light some issues I had no idea were there, and four months later we called it off. Better now than later. Still, it was very painful. In some ways, it was more painful than my failed marriage. Through these two losses — a broken marriage and a broken engagement — I learned some valuable lessons.

Lesson #1: Give yourself time. Grief doesn't run its course overnight. Don't be in a hurry. Following my divorce, I was aware of the temptation to date. I knew it would present some immediate pain relief, and I was tempted. But I learned I needed to be patient. I wish someone would tell me every day to wait. I wish they'd say in my ear, "Stay single. Stay single. Stay single." That is, until we find ourselves in a relationship that's truly God-blessed. Time is on our side, so we shouldn't be afraid of it. If God wants to send us a partner, time will bear it out. I wish I hadn't become engaged to my ex-fiancé when I'd known him only a few short months.

Lesson #2: It's always okay to break an engagement. In some cases it's more than okay, it may be a very good thing. If someone had told me this many years ago, I wonder if I might have avoided a disastrous marriage. Divorce is so traumatic; tell yourself today that right up until the words "I do," you're allowed to change your mind. Better to suffer the embarrassment of a broken engagement than to find yourself back in an unsatisfying marriage or in the midst of a divorce. This time I'm glad I had the wisdom to break off my engagement.

Lesson #3: It is not — I repeat, NOT — true that just because the person you're thinking of marrying is a Christian everything will work out. I married a pastor. Trust me on this one; Christians (even pastors) are just like everyone else when it comes to knowing (or not knowing) how to choose a partner well and how to make a marriage work. Abusive partners come in all shapes and sizes — and faiths. God is sovereign, and he allows us to reap what we sow. If we close our eyes to red flags, we'll probably reap sorrow. If we close our ears to wise counsel from friends who know us well and care about us, we should be prepared to reap profound grief. Regardless of faith, it still takes a lot of maturity and compatibility to make a successful, happy marriage. Don't marry someone just because he/she is a Christian.

Lesson #4: You always have choices. This was one of the biggest lessons I learned from my counseling sessions. I truly didn't know this; I'd majored in "victim mentality." This is one lesson I had to have drilled into me for many weeks: We always have choices. Our job is to identify as many of those options as possible in any given situation or relationship, so with God's help we can choose what's best.

Lesson #5: Figure out what it was about yourself that contributed to your failed marriage. Never mind your ex-spouse, take a long, hard look at yourself. Do whatever it takes to figure out what you need to change. Go for counseling. Talk to friends who know you well. Keep a journal of thoughts and feelings. If you don't figure it out, you almost certainly will walk the same path and someday wake up and wonder how you ended up there — again.

Finally, be happy! Not right away, not always, not every moment, but in the big scheme of things, be happy. Choose it. When you're filled with sadness, let the sadness do its work. Resolve your issues and determine not to let yourself get stuck there. If you're stuck, get help. Go for counseling. Choose friends who are happy. Sadness is for a season, but let joy come in the morning (Psalm 30:5)! I decided to learn how to swing dance. I signed up for classes to become a volunteer in my local adult literacy program and started tutoring one-on-one. Of course, one of the advantages of becoming content where you are is that you're immediately more appealing to the opposite sex. Best of all, you experience the blessing of Philippians 4:11-13, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Blessings!
Cindy Briggs

Cindy welcomes your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com

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