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Why We Think Christians Aren't Dating
11 singles share their thoughts on the state of Christian dating
September 18, 2002
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I've seen a couple of attitudes that cause a lack of dating among Christian singles. One is an attitude among some guys who tend to follow a worldly standard in their selection of dates. They tend to look on the external appearance instead of the internals and often some really sharp women get left at home while others who may be more externally attractive get burnt out on dating guys who are with them for the wrong reasons. There's probably a similar phenomenon with way women deal with men. I was in the leadership of a singles group in Chicago and we had what I thought of as "the wolf pack." Whenever a pretty woman showed up, they were all over her, while several sharp women were left out.
The other attitude may be either related or a "chicken and the egg" phenomenon. I've found that there seems to be so much pressure in this area, that it's impossible to have a casual date. I basically quit dating because the women I went out with had such high expectations that asking them out on a date seemed basically the same (in their minds) as asking them to go steady. After going out on one date, things would get really weird and eventually I'd have to have "The Talk" with them, and I'd have to let them know I wasn't planning our future together. I went out with one woman just for a movie and a cup of coffee: no romance, no deep soul baring talks, no physical contact, just a movie. I was the leader of the singles group and we held the Bible study in my home. During our next study, she was literally matching my color scheme to her furniture and making it very clear to the other women that she was "with" me. I didn't even know I had a color scheme!
I think, though, this is caused by so few guys asking women out, so that when one does, it becomes a huge deal.
Dave
I, too, have been told a number of times that my vibrant personality is "intimidating" and that I'm "too independent." But what's a girl to do? I desire to be married one day, and I even look forward to taking care of my husband and having someone to build a life with. But that isn't currently my lot. I must take care of myself, and that means making wise decisions (i.e. possibly purchasing a home, buying "real" furniture and a "real" car, having my own retirement plan, being more career focused — out of necessity, it seems — than I ever intended to be), and not waiting for some Knight to come rescue (i.e. marry) me. I fully believe God is more in this issue than I realize, and that even if I move to some lonely island all by myself and let my teeth rot for lack of a brush and grow spiders in my hair, if God intends for me to be married, he'll provide. I sometimes wonder if God is moving in some Christian men, and, in their human frailty, they just aren't responding.
Jennifer
My "love" life as a single Christian woman has been full of disappointments. I went through a season of truly believing there were no good Christian men out there. All of the Christian guys I knew would pursue new Christians or non-Christians. They skipped over me, an overly committed church volunteer who grew up in the church. Did that make me overqualified? Whatever happened to Proverbs 31? That chapter was drilled in my head during my young adult years. As young Christian ladies, we were told to be virtuous and smart, waiting for a husband so that we could have a ministry of marriage. It's no wonder the Christian guys didn't ask me or my fellow youth group/young adult girlfriends out on dates. Perhaps they thought — or knew — we would expect marriage, when all they wanted was a skating buddy. (If I were a guy and I thought a girl would want to marry me if I asked her out, I'd steer clear as well).
I didn't go on my first date until I was almost 23 years old. In college, it was all about church, school, and work. Besides all that, guys just didn't show interest in dating me. I mean, the Christian guys on my campus would date my closest friends, but skip over me. Years later I found out they felt they weren't good enough for me. I held a high position on the college magazine and somehow maintained a high GPA. I also helped start a Bible study in my dorm. I always thought guys would climb mountains to be with someone successful. By the time I graduated college, I'd already purchased my own town home, had a great job, and was even doing some runway modeling. I could tell you how to publish a book from start to finish, but couldn't even tell you how it felt to hold hands with a guy.
Two months before I turned 23, I started dating a really nice guy who'd become a good friend of mine. I finally had my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and my first chance to go to the movies with someone other than family or friends. But nine months into our relationship, the guy disclosed he'd been fudging the truth a little about his religious beliefs. Although he'd help me memorize Scriptures at lunch in the park, and although he'd talk about the Bible and God and his church, he wasn't a Christian. He knew the Bible, but didn't believe it was true. He was afraid to tell me because he didn't want me to leave him. I, being the wuss that I was and trying to prove that God loves everybody, allowed him to stay in my life. I even continued to date him, although it bothered me each and every day. I stayed with him not only because I liked him a lot, but also because he actually gave me a chance. He had the guts to ask me out. I dated him for two years, and although we broke up because we finally had to face the reality of being unequally yoked, we're still pals.
I talk to the guys I come in contact with. I visit my friends' churches and make eye contact and smile when I see any young adult, not just guys. I have five brothers and hang out with them and their friends. I even strike up conversations with the guys about good movies that are coming out that I want to see or concerts coming to town. I enjoy football, attend Super Bowl parties, and even play guys in scrimmage basketball. I admit I've never asked a guy out. But that's because I'm afraid of coming across as desperate. And I don't want to take the "leadership" role at the start of the relationship because I like for guys to take that role.
But the Christian guys who know me know that I'm 26 years old, own my own home and car, am the managing editor of a publishing company, travel all over the country, and love God with a passion. What they don't know is that the non-Christian who asked me out is the only guy to EVER to show an interest in me romantically in 26 years.
Diane
I'm a divorced man raising my almost 16-year-old son. I've been divorced for over 10 years and have "pursued" two Christian women during that time. The way I see it, there are a couple factors that lead to Christians not dating.
First, the church is so family and marriage oriented. This isn't a bad thing, except that they have no idea how to deal with singles. The expectation seems to be that we'll be single until meeting our Christian mate sometime in college and get married when we graduate. I've asked married couples in the church over for dinner or to watch a movie, and they didn't even answer. I can tell they're uncomfortable around me. If I were married or had a girlfriend who'd be there also, I think their reaction would be different. In short, at times I don't feel at home in church due to my marital status.
Second, where are all the Christian women? Non-Christians go to bars and other places I'd never go to mingle. The singles group at the local church is so small there aren't many to meet. So my question is: Where can I meet Christian women?
Third, the two Christian women I have pursued liked being pursued but not caught. Christian women need to communicate what they want as early in the relationship as they can. I felt lead on, only to find out they really didn't want to get close enough to think about getting married. I'm mature; if you don't want that kind of relationship, say so. Don't tell me after I've developed feelings.
I know I'm just venting and this doesn't solve the problem, but I'm at a loss …
Allen
As for why Christians aren't dating, I have many jumbled thoughts about it too. I don't think we should be out there, getting in romance after romance and looking for love in all the wrong places. But, as a single girl who's been waiting for a man to move towards her while she satisfies herself in the Lord and lets him fill her, I'm beginning to feel like I could be waiting forever! I haven't been asked out on a date by a Christian guy — ever. I used to do the asking but quit that years ago, and since then it's been a barren wasteland. A few non-Christians have asked me out and I went just to have fun, but made sure it was clear to them where I stood so they weren't led on. I don't want to be "unequally yoked."
I think the pressure put on dates to turn into marriage keeps everyone from even dating. When everyone is trying to "hear from God" about the other person, it takes the fun out of just seeing if you hit it off. Plus, for girls who are only asked out once every six years, it's a little tough to not latch onto anyone who comes along (which is, of course, a turn-off to guys).
I know women's lib has hurt men, but it's also hurt women. We're told we can be strong and independent, but then that's a turn-off to guys. I also know guys who are turned off by girls who have no lives and just sit around waiting for a man. So, where's the balance? And, are we single simply because it's not God's time, or because of all these complications and confusions?
In the meantime, I keep asking the Holy Spirit to prepare me. He's changed me in so many ways over the past several years, it's amazing. Each area of brokenness in me could have had drastic ramifications on a relationship, so I'm grateful to be that much wiser, healed, and free before entering into a lasting relationship.
A few years ago I prayed, "Lord, I remind myself of Israel. You had a king in mind for them, David, but they wanted to have their king. So, they got Saul. Well, Lord, don't listen to me when I wail about not having a husband, because I want to wait for my David. Don't give me to him until I'm ready, or him to me until he's ready." That was the day my life turned upside down and he started revealing to me all the ways I'd deviated from who he originally created me to be. The past three years have been ones of healing, restoration, and deliverance. It's painfully wonderful, and hopefully someday I'll meet and marry my David.
Alison
The Christian single women at my church are the old-fashioned type, expecting the men to make the first move. They're in a state of waiting, not on man, but on God. However, it's my opinion that they have a preconceived notion of how things will work out and are in a perpetual state of waiting until things work out that way. The problem is that because they have such a specific idea in their heads, they aren't exactly open to most guys unless they fit that certain criteria. Christian men are just as susceptible to this thinking.
But after talking with married friends, I've discovered that most of them, when they found their future mate, weren't using marriage as the measuring stick by which they judged each other. The idea of marriage took a while to develop, to grow, and then to come to fruition. They didn't enter into the relationship thinking marriage would be the result, and then call it off when things failed to fall into place just as they'd planned. It's almost as if some Christians are so marriage minded that they close themselves off to relationships prior to marriage, thinking that if a relationship isn't leading to marriage at the onset, then it's not worth the effort. Ask around, how many of your friends knew they were going to marry their spouse when they first met? After a month of knowing each other? After a month of dating? It usually takes quite a bit of time to know you've found the right person, and until that time, the relationship would seem identical to any other non-marriage oriented relationship. By denying a person the opportunity to start a relationship, you're also denying the chance that the relationship might develop into one that leads to marriage.
Jon
This is a subject that continues to bother me. Since becoming a Christian two years ago, I have been on ZERO dates. I simply don't get asked out. Want to know why? Because our churches and Christian circles are full of women and horribly void of single, eligible men. No matter where I go — Bible studies, church, singles groups — it is 90 percent female. The question isn't why aren't we being asked out, it's why isn't Christianity attracting single men. Quite honestly, the single men I do meet who have turned to Christ are usually in their 40's and often have a past full of sex, drugs, and divorce. The only men who seem to be attracted to Christianity are those that have been pushed to the brink of disaster. I think one of the problems is that Christianity tends to have a feminine image. Submissiveness, humility, and kindness are part of the faith, but they aren't considered masculine.
As for the men who say single women have blurred the gender lines, I have only one comment: What choice do we have? Unless we're married, we'd better be financially independent, a homeowner, and skilled at doing things on our own. I'd love for a man to help me with these things. But if we can't even get them to date us, how can we get them to help us, let alone marry us?
Margaret
I think there's a general consensus that not many Christians are dating. As for me, I don't like dating. It's not that I don't want to be married; it's just that I'm not even sure what constitutes a date anymore. I'm always contacting friends and saying, "Let's get together and catch up with each other." To me that's not a date. In my mind, a date is when you ask a girl out for dinner and you plan an evening together, such as dinner and a movie.
For me dating conjures up images of getting all dressed up and "being on my best behavior." I also see my date doing the same thing. But herein lies the problem. I don't want to be on my best behavior, and I don't want to see my date on her best behavior.
We all can "play nice" when we want to. Some of us can even play nice for months on end until we've hooked that special someone. For me, that's way too much effort and it's a waste of time. I want to know the real person, and I want her to know me. That's not to say I'm not a nice person, it's just that we all have rough edges.
Once we're married, we're more likely to have more "rough edges" days than "play nice" days. We need to prepare ourselves for this. My poor bride-to-be should know I'm likely to always look like the "Pillsbury Dough Boy." She needs to know that when I raise my voice in my old Marine Corps fashion, I strike fear into the hearts of men, women, and children. She also needs to know that my bark is worse than my bite (usually).
I want to know as much as I can about her quirks and shortcomings as well. I want to see her on her bad days. This is when we'll know if we're compatible. Can I come alongside her and lift her up when she's down? Can she put up with my old hillbilly ways? I don't want to spend months dating before I start to see the real person.
For me the most important thing is to guard her heart, the second is to guard my heart. I really want to develop a solid friendship, and maybe God will allow us to have more. But I always want to fall back on that friendship. Once I think we have a good friendship, I may risk putting my heart out there. I do believe that as a man it's my job to do the initial asking. I also know that for me, I need to see some spark of interest from a woman before I take that risk.
I don't know the answers to these dating questions. All I know is that I'll continue to serve and obey God and let him match me up.
Rich
I don't have a clue as to why Christians aren't dating, or rather why Christian men aren't asking Christian women out on dates. I must admit I'm really discouraged. I'm a 39-year-old African-American female, I've never had a boyfriend, and I've been on only one date and that was because I asked the guy out. I have wonderful, beautiful, Christian female friends who love God and his Word with all of their hearts, and they haven't been asked out on dates in years! (They're also in their thirties.) Honestly, we thought our lack of dates was related specifically to our African-American community, but after reading your article I guess I can safely surmise this is a more widespread problem. My friends and I wonder why God seems to have turned a deaf ear to our cries. I sometimes wonder if it's really worth it to wait on Christian men to ask us out since they clearly aren't stepping up to the plate.
Name withheld
Oh boy, I have so much to say about the phenomenon of Christians not dating, but I'll just offer the two main roots of the problem (in my humble opinion).
We're missing mentors. With the creation of mega churches in the past few decades, the community aspect of church seems to have shrunk. It is somewhat easy to meet people your own age, but what about an older counter-part of the same sex who can mentor you through this time before or "when society expects" you to get married? I've been praying for a woman to come into my life as a mentor for two years, and I think the atmosphere of the church I attend doesn't make this an easy quest. Men and women need to be reminded how to conduct themselves in a courtship-type of relationship since that's no longer modeled for us by society. We also need to bounce our temptations and struggles off the wisdom of a person who's lived through it.
Many of us are tainted. I became a Christian in my adult years, so even though I've never been married, I'm not a virgin. I fear the Christian men I'd like to date are looking for the perfect Christian woman. I feel less than perfect or tainted because of my prior relationships with men. I'd be curious to know if other Christians who haven't saved themselves for marriage have similar feelings and fears.
Name withheld
I'm a 38-year-old single (painfully divorced) father of two boys. I lead a college and career small group and dating is the single most challenging issue I face as a leader of singles. There are 30 people coming to our group, all single, and all desperately wanting to be in a meaningful relationship. I believe the theory that the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye has created a lot of confusion is valid. Along with the liberal-postmodern-feminist movement, the "kissing dating good bye" strategy has my guys and gals confused and frustrated. I had my group read the book Wild At Heart by John Eldredge. Wild At Heart is advertised for men, but I found it to be helpful for women also. The book helps guys to be more assertive (in a godly way) in pursuing women, and helps women learn to let guys be what God designed them to be. This book isn't the holy grail of dating, but it did help most of the people who read and discussed it in our group.
Michael
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