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Seize the Date
by guest columnist Todd Hertz
April 2, 2003
To better analyze why most Christian singles aren't dating, I've developed my own scientific formula. (Granted, I know little about science, and I found a loophole to graduate college without any math courses. But trust me.) You can follow at home. Combine X number of single Christian women with Y number of single Christian men and then subtract those not focused on dating right now (W). Determine the number of possible dating combinations (Q). Sub-divide by various interests (J). Multiply by pi, add one of those tiny twos or threes at the end, and apply the chaos theory (which, as Jurassic Park teaches us, means we all will be eaten by dinosaurs).
Okay, my scientific equation may be a bit flawed. But I don't think a lack of available people is ultimately at the root of why we singles aren't dating. Besides, Christians aren't relying on sheer numbers anyway—or the chaos theory. Instead, we believe in a God-directed bigger picture. We trust in a Lord who's watching over us and has a plan.
So why aren't we dating? To be blunt, many of us aren't acting on our romantic interests or taking initiative when God gives us an opportunity. And yes, gentlemen, I'm talking to you.
In this past month's dating challenge, we didn't hear from one Christian guy who took the dare and asked a woman out. Some women wrote in that they asked out men—with mixed results—but no guys did. This should bother us. Now, I'm enthused that so many women are showing interest and taking initiative. One of my best dating memories is the girl who asked me out. But why aren't more Christian guys asking out Christian girls?
There could be dozens of reasons for this. Some of us have been burned by bad experiences. And others (check your pride at the door, boys) are terribly passive. To save face, we rationalize our inaction or make blanket stereotypes. Without realizing it, we settle into a pattern of passivity by giving ourselves a way out.
We come up with excuses such as "All women are the same," or "Christian women say they want dates, but I've been turned down twice so they don't know what they want," or the very bizarre and sadly frequent "Christian women don't take care of themselves." We also rely on the good old standby that women aren't giving us any hints. (Granted, as a close friend of mine says, "Ladies, we aren't mind readers." In fact, I often miss giant blinking billboards as well.)
Sure, the dating game can be intimidating. While we know it's simply an invitation to get to know someone better, it can be difficult to ask someone out. The threat of rejection isn't the only fear. Much of the pressure comes from the idea of putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, and tipping your hand to someone you don't know.
But the bottom line is this: Too many of us—guys and gals—often rely too heavily on the notion that God is going to drop Ms./Mr. Sexy/Smart/Funny/Perfect at our doorstep and we won't have to do a thing. Fireworks will ring out. Cartoon birds will sing.
Oddly, as I was pondering this a few weeks ago, there was a knock on my door. I peeked out to find an attractive and charming door-to-door saleswoman. I dropped to my knees in thanksgiving. God is better than Domino's, I thought. But I'll be honest, I don't know if she represented an open door from God, because I didn't act on my interest. Instead, I chickened out.
Now, of course, I'm not advocating that we Christians start asking people out all helter skelter. If so, there'd be riots, coffee prices would rise, and I'd start missing all my TV shows. But we need to be aware that we're given opportunities, and we need to be ready with prayerful consideration when they come. We have to sort through our past hurts. We can't judge an individual on our history with other representatives of her (or his) gender. We need to look at each individual tugging on our heart, pray about the possibility, and take steps toward what we feel led to do (or not do).
A friend of mine recently shared with me how she prays when interested in someone. She prays that if it's right, God will open doors. If not, she asks for obstacles to be placed in her way. This is what I've begun to do, and after seeing some doors open, I asked a girl out for the first time in George Bush's administration.
In the process, I overcame some of my own barriers. Since a long-term relationship I was in ended last summer, I hadn't taken any dating initiative because of some bitterness, little interest in embarking on a new relationship, and low self-confidence. But after long bouts of inner dialogue and time spent bending the ears of friends (and basically rambling about like Rain Man), I realized the worst-case scenario was that this woman could say no. So I took the plunge.
Unfortunately, she opted for the worst-case scenario. But you know what? I survived. I took a shot on something in my heart and I now move on. I'm glad I tried. Now I know where I stand, and I know I still have the courage to ask a woman out. It felt great to take some initiative again.
But I still had a little uneasiness. I thought, What about those open doors I saw? It would have been easy for me to hang up my dating shoes (I wish I had special dating shoes, actually) and say, "Forget it, I thought God was leading me and look what happened!" But that would have meant judging God's plan without seeing the whole picture. Which reminds me of the last time I changed jobs.
I'd been working at a small trade publication for almost two years when a friend slipped me a job opening he found online. At that point, I had no intention of looking for a new job. But the position was close to my house and the pay was double what I was making. So, I updated my resume and I pulled out my interviewing shoes.
I set my hopes high. This job is all mine, I thought. I prayed about the opportunity and saw several open doors and signs that this seemed right. I started seeing all the flaws in my current job and realized I did want out. But after the world's worst interview ever (I checked it with the appropriate U.N. office to be sure), I was turned down.
I took it hard. Disappointed and left with the realization that I wanted a new job, I turned to the job site where my friend found the previous opening. I looked at one search result and printed out the info. I prayed about it and then applied. Two weeks later, I was hired and have been blessed at the job since.
What I didn't realize when I was turned down for that first "dream job" was that God often has very complex ways of leading us to where we need to be—and rarely do we have any inkling of these higher ways. That first failed job interview was necessary to inspire me to find the second. It was simply God's way of priming the pump for the one that mattered. (Of course, it would be so much less painful if God would let us know that during the priming.)
I can't be sure why God put it on my heart to act now on a romantic interest, much less why it was an interest that didn't pan out. Maybe it was to prepare me to act when I meet one who is in God's plan for me. Maybe it was to teach me humility. Or, more likely, the reason is something I never could guess in a million years—much like chaos theory and all those hungry dinosaurs.
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Todd welcomes your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com
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