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Speed Dating and Slow Learning
by Camerin Courtney
July 9, 2003
Do you ever get the feeling God's trying to tell you something? That's the way I felt a couple weeks after my recent speed-dating escapade. And, to be honest, I'm not sure I liked what he was trying to tell me.
First, a bit of background for those who aren't familiar with speed dating and didn't read the previous column in which I shared that I was going to give this new meet-n-greet phenomenon a go.
Speed dating is a new wave of events birthed in 1999 by a Jewish rabbi who was trying to provide a means for the single members of his flock to meet one another (and thus not date outside the fold). At a typical speed-dating event a group of women sits in a circle around an equal number of men. Everyone chats with the person in front of them for three to eight minutes, depending on the host organization's set-up. One circle rotates until every couple combination has had the chance to "date."
Participants mark on a scorecard throughout the evening whether or not they're interested in spending more time with each person they meet. The host organization alerts everyone to mutual matches (meaning both parties marked "yes" for each other), and further communication is up to them.
I signed up for such an event when I was assigned to write an article on this new dating phenomenon. What a perfect excuse to give this new trend a try, no? And if I met someone special along the way, well wouldn't that just be a great story to tell the grandkids someday.
Alas, in short, there will be no stories to tell. And I'm beginning to get a bit skeptical about those grandkids, too. Though it was a fun adventure, speed dating turned out to be completely fruitless for me—though I had several mutual matches, I never heard from any of these guys, including the one to whom I sent a clever and breezy e-mail.
While I was a bit disappointed, I should be getting used to closed doors when it comes to dating of late. The last guy I was interested in and who appeared to be interested in me ended up getting relocated across the country before we had the chance to explore any possibilities. And the guy one friend wanted to set me up with a short while ago not only found a great woman, but got engaged to her before we had the chance to set anything up.
Are you noticing a trend here? I sure was when I told a friend recently that I feel as though I have some sort of non-dating force field around me. It's like I can see the guys out there, but I just can't seem to get to them, and vice versa.
Now, before I get a barrage of e-mails reminding me that life isn't all about dating, let me assure you that I know a successful single life is a full, abundant one. Trust me, I volunteer in my community and my church, regularly hang out with friends of both the married and single, male and female persuasion, and attempt to use my gifts to serve God. But every now and then it's hard to avoid the desire to have someone special with whom to share all this stuff. Someone to call up or come home to at the end of these full days.
I was relaying my trend of closed doors to dating to two single girlfriends over coffee recently when I finally put into words what had been nagging at me: "It's like God's trying to tell me that this just isn't dating season for me." I paused for a moment and let this truth sink in. One of my friends admitted she's been plagued by the same feeling lately too. It's like we've both been pushing on a few doors to see if they'll open, and nothing's budging. It's as though God's saying nu-huh, not right now.
Which, of course, begs he question, what is right now then? If this isn't dating season, what season is it? And that's been a new theme of my prayers of late: "What season is this, God?"
In the rare silences that have followed this question, I've felt a whisper that God still has things he wants to accomplish in or through my singleness, a fact that brings myriad emotions—from excitement to curiosity to relief. Yes, relief. Somehow it's easier to deal with the unmet desires of not moving toward a lasting relationship knowing there's some other purpose for this chapter of my life. Armed with this truth, I'm less surprised and disappointed and feel less rejected by the closed doors. But, of course, I think at each one, of course nothing's happening here because this isn't dating season.
When all these thoughts led me to the well-known passage in Ecclesiastes 3, about there being a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven, I was struck by one verse in particular—"a time to search and a time to give up" (v. 6). I didn't read the latter part in a throw-in-the-towel way, but rather to be about yielding. Because, frankly, giving up my desire for a relationship right now for God's greater plan feels like sacrifice and an act of obedience in some ways. There are times I want this current season to be as short as one of those speed-dating encounters, so we can hurry up and get to my plans. But while sacrifice and obedience are never easy and not always fun, God always meets us in these acts in wonderful, unexpected ways.
So, while this season may be about the two singles-themed speaking engagements I've been offered recently (which simultaneously excite and terrify me), I have a sneaking suspicion it's really about an exercise in trusting God's timing and yielding to his will. Things I feel I surely should have down cold by now, and things that will serve me well no matter what (or whom) the future holds. Perhaps this is the season in which I'll learn to say with the Psalmist "My times are in your hands" (31:15) with abandon, with joy, and with utter trust in God's higher ways.
Camerin welcomes your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com
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