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Planet Single
12 readers share what it's like to be single in their corner of the world
July 23, 2003
It's not easy to remain single in a country like India. The culture calls for an early marriage for girls. So if you are 25 and not married, it means you're quite old and rejected. Unfortunately, arranged marriages are the preferred custom. This method has its good and bad points. The bad point being that you really don't know what kind of person your would-be spouse is until after years of marriage! And the good point is that there's approval of both families for the bond. Personally I'm against such a system and would prefer to be alone rather than marry someone chosen for me by my family, though I know they will have my best interests in mind. It's just that I can't commit to someone I don't know.
It's quite uncommon for a girl in India to look for a husband herself. Having a boyfriend or dating is considered a taboo by conservative Indian society, though thankfully this scenario is improving and parents are beginning to be quite open-minded.
I'm presently only 23 and pursuing higher studies abroad. One of my reasons for seeking further education is that I want to avoid marriage. I'm told that on my return to India, the hunt for a potential husband will start. What torture! I aspire to go for doctoral studies, which will take another four years to complete. That will give me time to understand myself and work on my relationship with God before I enter into wedlock. And besides, I enjoy being single. It's helped me live my dreams and work toward my goals. It's helped me explore other cultures and people and make many friends. Though I must admit there are moments of frustration and loneliness. But I know that God does the right thing at the right time.
Joyce, India
The expectations and moral climate in Australia have changed markedly in the last few years. People are getting married ever later, and now it's almost expected that you won't get married until your late twenties or early thirties. A non-Christian coworker of mine was aghast when she heard that a friend of hers was getting married because she thought your early twenties is too soon to think about settling down. That seems to be the consensus, if you're a non-Christian and live in a large city. I think due to the high divorce rate and the widespread acceptance of living together before marriage, marriage no longer holds the same value in the eyes of many non-Christians.
The expectations for Christians is different. Because of biblical values, people seem to get married sooner, albeit still later than earlier generations. In rural areas and smaller cities this is even more obvious, perhaps due to the lack of career and entertainment distractions. I recently moved from Sydney to a much smaller city and was surprised by the youthfulness of married couples in the churches—many of them in their early twenties or even late teens. There is a corresponding scarcity of single Christian thirtysomethings, especially those who have never been married before.
The churches I've attended recently are mostly oblivious to singles, and seem to view singleness as a phase of life on the way to marriage or a problem to be solved. A few of my single friends felt snubbed a couple of years ago when the speakers at a large Christian men's convention made the assumption that everyone there was married, evidenced by the way they persistently made comments such as, "When you go home to your wives…" In Sydney, though singles in churches aren't specifically catered to, they fit quite nicely into the mix of the congregation.
My parents have made it plain they'd like to see me married, and have been known to state so quite explicitly. This is not out of a "you will bring dishonor on the family" type of motivation, but rather a "we want the best for you" motivation. This puts them at odds with my own thinking on singleness. While I view marriage and family as important institutions, I see singleness as an equally valid vocation.
David, Australia
Here in Nigeria, people are expected to marry at least by age 30. It's preferable for women to marry as young as possible. However, in the last 10 to 15 years, women have married at later and later ages as careers have taken some precedence over getting married. If you don't marry young, though, it's virtually impossible to be alone here as there's always family around. A girl is supposed to live at home until she gets married. I've tried to move out several times unsuccessfully. The concession my parents give is that I have a small, detached place of my own in the same compound as them. It's not the same as being on my own, but I figure it's better than drawing the ire of family and the possible disdain of my virtues for living alone in the same state as my parents.
One thing that is changing here is the fact that many single women are able to purchase nice things for themselves. Time was when a woman with a new car was considered "too much," possibly even arrogant. Thankfully, owning such possessions is becoming less of a stigma. Most of my female friends have new cars, houses, and even impressive investment portfolios. Sometimes it seems we are fast becoming the men our parents want us to marry. Men are feeling pressure to have more to offer, as many women now can provide nice things for themselves.
The church is very family-oriented, but singles fellowships are on the rise. I've quit attending, however, because most seem to be solely an avenue for finding someone to date. There is pressure to marry, of course, but as most women are working either at their own business or at well-paid employment, the pressure has reduced.
Tundun, Nigeria
I got divorced in 1975 and have been single and living here in Scotland ever since. Although statistics show that more and more people here are living the single life, it's still not really accepted as normal.
For example, I'm going on holiday soon and even old friends who know me well have said, "Oooh! Perhaps you'll meet someone," meaning someone with whom I can enter a long-term relationship. I can think of only a couple people who weren't astonished when told them I like to go on vacation alone. Everyone seems to associate singleness with loneliness. Even going solo to the movies is regarded as strange—and forget about going into a restaurant alone!
It's almost impossible to persuade people of the benefits of having lots of different types of friends, of being able to choose to have company when it suits you, of being ready and available anytime a friend needs some help. The look in people's eyes tells me they believe I'm making it up and secretly suspect I really want to be married with two-point-whatever children. I wish others would understand that being married is fine for some people but not for single-and-loving-it souls such as me.
Jan, Scotland
I live in Swaziland, which is in Africa. In my part of the world, people, in particular women, get married as early as 18 years old. If not married, they usually have children by that age. So it's the norm that after finishing school, which is around the age of 25, you settle down. Although the number of singles is rising, most people usually at least have children. So I certainly feel odd as a 30-year-old single with no children—and a virgin at that!
This norm has been brought into the church. In fact, our preachers, in an effort to encourage young people to live uprightly, have made marriage look as though it's God's reward for one's dedication to him. So if you're a single adult, it's as though something is wrong with your spiritual life. Singles carry a stigma even in church—they normally call us aunties or uncles because we no longer fit in with the youth and we aren't mothers or fathers. As a result, it's very difficult to be single in Swaziland.
For that reason, I started a single women's fellowship in my church. The goal is to bring Christian ladies together to share our good and bad moments. More than anything, it's a place to encourage single adults that we have a place in the body of Christ.
name withheld, Swaziland
Being single isn't really good for us here in Indonesia because if you're unmarried past your early twenties, your parents start matchmaking for you. They contact their friends to see if they can introduce their children to one another. Sometimes these arranged marriage work, but sometimes they take place only for the sake of the parents' pride. In my country, a successful family is one in which all the children are married and have children.
My two brothers married for the sake of our parents' pride, but unfortunately they both got divorced. In both situations, the couples didn't know each other very well (our auntie was their matchmaker). Based on their bad experience, my mom (our dad passed away) is letting my sister and me choose our own marriage partners. So, though she's 40 and I'm 43, we've never been married. But we're happy being single and waiting for the Lord to send the princes who are suitable for us.
Lily, Indonesia
I'm a 31 years old, and I live in Manila, Philippines. Here singles typically live with our parents until we get married. This is true mostly because of financial constraints. The pressure to be coupled off or to marry isn't as strong as it used to be. There are a lot of singles who basically hang out together without feeling the pressure to be "linked" with one another.
I head the singles ministry in our community, and we're having a conference on July 26. We already have about 500 participants registered! We're all anticipating a great outpouring of God's love, grace, and blessings on that day.
Precious, Philippines
I'm from Panama, Central America. I'm 26 years old, and I still live with my family. Here singles usually stay at home until we get married, but there are some who live on their own.
Personally, I haven't been pressured to get married, but I think in the Latin culture everybody expects you to get married sooner than later. There's a saying here: "Cuidado que te deja el tren," which means "Watch out. If not, the train is going to leave you." At church, our pastor always says that we girls are asking for too much in a man. Overall, I think the pressure to marry is stronger in Latin America than in the States.
Maria, Panama
I'm a never-married Canadian man who'll be 42 in September. Life is pretty good for me. My church of about 200 isn't big enough for a singles ministry, but I've taken part in events run by a Christian singles group in the next town.
I left home in my early twenties and, thanks in part to my younger brother getting married and having two children, there's very little pressure from my parents to get married, other than the occasional comment.
I'd like to be married, but it's not a burning issue. And for that I'm quite grateful. I can play uncle to my niece and nephew, work at my career, volunteer at church, and know that nobody on this planet can ever love me half as much as God does.
Frank, Canada
I'm Zimbawean, but I currently reside in England. In my home country, being single into your thirties has a stigma to it, more so if you're a woman. Men are expected to marry or at least have a child, preferably a male to continue the family name, before they die. My uncle died without ever getting married, and when that happens, you're buried with a rat in your coffin to represent the wife you never had (not to imply women are rats).
As for me, my mother wants me married yesterday. She's 69 and would like to see a grandchild before she dies. I'm 29 and too slow in her scheme of things. But it's not overt pressure, mainly subtle hints.
Where you feel pressure as a single is at church, or at least at the church I used to attend. Most single-adult activities were focused on marriage, such as how to prepare for marriage and how to manage your finances when you marry. It made me feel out of place since I'm content in my singleness. However, I had a word with the pastor about this and things changed somewhat.
Helkias, Zimbabwe
I'm from the Philippines, though I wasn't raised here. In fact, I grew up in American schools around the world and I remember that girls were always striving to have a boyfriend. So the whole "boyfriend-girlfriend" deal is obviously universal. But I've also met a lot of people who weren't striving to get married and instead were more concerned about settling down with a good-paying job and fulfilling their ambitions in life first.
For example, my cousin is married to a Dutch woman in the Netherlands. They' re both in their thirties but only got married recently after almost a decade of being together. Apparently over there, marriage is merely "a piece of paper." Here in the Philippines, I've noticed I'm asked a lot if I have a boyfriend. Yet I've also noticed that although the question is asked a lot, the prospect of not getting married doesn't negatively affect women who remain single past their twenties.
I was recently talking to a 32-year-old woman who still hopes to get married and have kids if the Lord wills it. If not, she said, "Oh well." I've also spoken with a 36-year-old married woman who's still trying to have a baby, and with a 40-year-old pastor's wife who gave birth six months ago! I'm beginning to see that age isn't so much of a factor here. Now this is all referring to the middle-class women.
Being that this is a third-world country, with millions of unwanted pregnancies yearly, the poorer people do not consider marriage as a pleasure the way many of us see it. To them, it is likely considered a normal part of life, not something necessarily magical. Many in poverty see it as a burden, having to raise children and working endlessly to merely get through one day without starving. Many brides walk down the aisle pregnant already, as the husband nervously anticipates how he will provide. I've noticed my relatives who haven't been as blessed as I have been financially, bark out to the dating youths: "Watch out for that girl! Don't waste your money on her! Finish school first, find a job! Don't think about commitment right now, you have your life ahead of you. Watch that you don't get her pregnant!" Dating, for the poorer folk, is quite a risk.
What's interesting is that the moment I went to study at a Christian college in the States, my views on the "necessity of marriage" switched from "not that concerned" to "all my friends are getting married; there's something wrong with me that I'm still single!" Never has my desire to date, marry, and have kids been so strong. Along with that came discontent, doubt, and a mouthful of grumbles and bitter complaints to God.
Pastors on our campus encouraged the young people to date and elaborated on the God-glorifying pleasures and benefits of marriage. Churches were always giving opportunities for singles to meet, and the phrase: "Someday, when you find a nice Christian young man/woman to serve the Lord with …" echoed in chapel services. I was surrounded by girls gushing over engagement rings, and I watched my friends one by one marry right after graduation. I would think to myself, Wouldn't any girl want to accomplish some personal goals or try some new things before settling down to a lifetime responsibility? How about serving the Lord somehow in a way they won't be able to once married? Not that there's anything wrong with getting married young, but this emphasis on marriage discouraged many girls into thinking they're inadequate or not blessed if they're still single.
Maria, Philippines
I live in Germany and am involved in a singles ministry at the European-wide level. Through this group, I've met many faithful Christians involved in singles work at their home churches.
Germany is a post-Christian society, so people here marry later, usually between 28-30 years old. A lot of couples tie the knot because a child is on the way. So from society in general there's not much pressure to be in a meaningful relationship that's moving toward marriage. But people are constantly searching for a partner and are obsessed by chain-dating (having one relationship after the next) without taking time to reflect and heal in between.
As someone involved in singles ministry at my church, I find this a real opportunity to share with people who aren't believers, as people are intrigued by a church that includes singles' work.
Christine, Germany
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