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Time was when the winners of television game shows earned a roomful of furniture, a trip to Tahiti, or, if they were really lucky, a Brand New Car! Today, winners of some such shows earn a spouse. There also was a time when a date consisted of two people and a pizza place or movie theater. Now, dates can consist of 26 singles, a posh estate, and a plethora of TV cameras.

Oh how times have changed!

Reality television shows not only have altered our entertainment choices, but also our thoughts about romantic relationships. And while most of us are aware that shows such as The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Joe Millionaire, For Love or Money, Blind Date, and ElimiDATE are mainly a form of entertainment, the word reality in this genre can be confusing. Just how much are these programs affecting the way we view romance, dating, love, and marriage?

In search of some answers, we gathered four Christian women from different walks of life to share their take on this new trend.

Why do you think there's been a surge in relationship-oriented reality TV shows recently?

LaTonya: We live in a tabloid-oriented culture. For example, celebrity couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez graced countless magazine covers and even were discussed on serious news shows as we tried to figure out if they were going to get married or not. As a society, we want to watch. We want to see the carnage.

Also, if you're single, as I am, it's more difficult to find a dating pool these days. There's no boy next door I've known forever who shares my values, or longtime church friends who will introduce me to quality, compatible single men. Consequently, many singles aren't in a relationship, even though we really want to be. So some people feel as though they need to go to extreme measures to get into a relationship, such as going on national television.

Carla: Plus, there's something tantalizing about living vicariously through somebody else's relationship. I think a lot of people thirst for drama because our lives often feel mundane. So these shows provide something exciting to talk about around the water cooler the next day at work.

As a whole, how are women portrayed on these shows?

Margaret: As objects. In fact, they treat themselves as objects. For example, on the first episode of the most recent The Bachelor series, the producers who chose who would be on the show talked briefly about the women's intelligence, but they mostly focused on the fact that these women had to have bikini-worthy bodies. Based on previous shows in this series, this should have come as no surprise. They knew that's what they signed up for. These shows totally objectify women and tell us that what's valuable about us is our appearance and our sexuality.

Carla: It seems the women on these shows see their bodies as a means to an end—which in this case is a relationship. Instead of celebrating their sexuality as something good in itself and in the healthy context of marriage, they seem to see it as a way to get what they want.

LaTonya: This is an interesting study in post-feminism. On one hand, these women value their femininity and they're working it. They're in red ball gowns and they've got the fluffy hair. But they're using these things as currency in this dating exchange. So I'm not sure if this is empowerment—or victimization.

Lisa: I think it's both. In her book, The Beauty Myth, feminist author Naomi Wolf asserts that when you see women gaining power in the culture, there's always a beauty backlash that communicates, No, this is what you're valued for. And so shows such as these play into that. Actually, pretty much all our entertainment media plays into that.

What's remarkable to me is that these are intelligent, professional women. And yet they're succumbing to the voices in our culture that say, "No matter what you achieve elsewhere, you're only valuable and lovable if you're sexy and beautiful."

But as Christian women, we know that's not the source of our worth.

Carla: I think that's a huge struggle for us—how do we feel attractive without compromising ourselves and our values? I wrestle with that a lot. Just how much effort should I put into looking good when I know that's not the most important thing? How much time is it okay to spend doing my hair and putting on makeup in the morning? At the same time, I don't want to look slovenly.

Margaret: Christian women may know their value isn't found in outward appearance, but we still live in a culture that places a high value on that. One of my clients recently told me, "I know you say beauty isn't what's important. I know my faith says it's not what's important. But everything around me says that's important." Even though we know we should resist, it's difficult not to get pulled into our society's thinking. It's also tough when we feel the negative effects of deciding to be more modest and more concerned with the state of our soul than with the way we look.

Are these shows upping the ante about what we expect in terms of romance?

Lisa: When I talked with one of my college students about these shows, she mentioned that not only reality television, but also romantic comedies set her up for unrealistic expectations.

I agree with her wholeheartedly. These movies and TV shows offer such a thin slice of a person's life. All we see is a couple falling in love; it ends with the wedding. There's no sense of what develops in the subsequent 30, 40, 50 years. It's rare to get a depiction of the goodness and depth that come with longevity, with living alongside someone in God's grace over the years. From current entertainment choices, we get the sense that the only thing that matters is falling in love. That can lead to a dangerous notion that once you're out of that phase in a relationship, that initial rush of love, then you must not be in love anymore. Then it's time to find somebody new so you can feel that way again.

Carla: I think the shows feed into the fairytale princess ideal that's been embedded in us from the time we're little girls. We know Cinderella isn't real, but there's a part of us that thinks that's how it should be—the dreamy romance, being swept off our feet. No woman I know would say, "I'm not going to date this guy because he doesn't take me to Maui for the weekend like The Bachelor did." We understand that's not real life, but I think it feeds into something deeper in us: our expectations about romance.

In fact, one of the regular arguments I have with my husband is about my romantic expectations versus his. I want the little gestures, the love notes in my briefcase, but my husband's not that guy. He often asks me if I've ever known a guy who naturally does those kinds of things. And, of course, I haven't. That's an expectation that's been created outside reality. And these shows, especially the way they're called "reality" programming, feed into those unrealistic expectations.

Do these shows give an accurate portrayal of the dating scene?

Margaret: I think these programs accurately show the way a lot of single women desperately want to be wanted and loved. We look at the women who cry when they're rejected on these shows, when they've barely gotten to know the man who rejected them. We think they're so foolish, but underneath they just got confused, thinking that if someone would want them and choose them, then they'd be valuable. I don't think these women fall in love with the person, but with the concept of being in love and, more importantly, of being loved.

Part of me wonders if these shows are that different from church singles groups. Often singles groups get a bad reputation for being meat markets. There's competition among Christian women for the few Christian men in the group, as well as the cattiness that can accompany that.

LaTonya: These shows don't help the temptation to despair about the current dating scene. When I watch them, I think, If that's what it's like out there, I'm not going! Seeing 25 women in bikinis heading for the hot tub makes me wonder how a Christian single woman fits into this picture.

How do Christians fit into the current dating scene?

Margaret: Honestly, in my circle of friends, I know Christian women and men who desperately want God's best for them and who are earnestly seeking that in healthy ways. Watching these shows reinforces my thinking that I wouldn't want to be a non-Christian out there looking for a husband.

LaTonya: Hopefully we as believers are aware of how much more there is to life than a romantic relationship. On one show, one of the women who'd just been rejected broke down, saying, "This is the biggest risk I've ever taken." That scared me. I thought, You're 22 and this is it? A risk is climbing a mountain or launching a ministry. Women need to take good risks, to have a full life.

What messages do these shows send us about marriage?

LaTonya: On many of these shows, marriage is something women win. They earn it. They're good enough for it. I think that sends a damaging message to singles. It communicates, If you aren't married, you haven't won; you've lost. People often say, "Why isn't a pretty, smart girl like you married?" as if it's a prize rather than a blessing that happens according to God's will and timetable.

Carla: I think it's telling that none of these relationship-based reality shows has produced a lasting marriage yet.

Lisa: These shows send a warped image about love. The women claim to be in love after spending a few moments with someone. It's such a Hollywood notion of love, like love at first sight. What a misconception! In reality, love is based not only on attraction but on choice and commitment. Healthy relationships take time to grow and deepen. These shows give a shallow model of love, and it scares me that young girls are watching and being influenced by these messages. Hollywood romantic comedies can be just as bad, but this is reality TV; this is supposed to be real.

Speaking of young girls, how do moms handle these shows?

Carla: Though my kids are currently too young for these shows, if they're interested in watching them when they get older, I plan to watch with them.

There are messages on these shows I'd want to help debunk, such as the notion that premarital sex is the norm. Relationships are so sexualized on these programs, and anything other than a high level of physical contact is considered abnormal behavior. Obviously, as Christians, we believe otherwise.

As a parent, I think the responsible option is to teach my children how to process such shows and teach them how to develop their own filters for what's real and appropriate.

Lisa: I watched For Love or Money with one of my daughters, and we had a constant conversation throughout the show. We talked about the scripting and editing, what we thought the producers wanted us to see, what we really thought the people on the shows were feeling, and whether or not we thought those feelings were genuine.

When you forbid your kids to watch these shows, it makes the programs even more attractive. And if they don't watch them at your house, they'll watch them somewhere else. So I'd rather sit down and watch these shows with my kids and do the social critique afterward.

One critique that could be made is that these shows lack ethnic diversity. How does that make you who aren't represented on such shows feel?

LaTonya: The challenge of being a minority in America is having to convince myself daily that I exist. I feel like the invisible demographic because I'm often underrepresented in society. These shows are discouraging in that way. Good grief, where's the black guy? A couple of times they've thrown in one African American woman on The Bachelor shows. But what a joke, like she's going to get picked, like that's going to happen on national television. As far as we've come, America still isn't ready for that yet.

So should Christians even watch these shows?

Lisa: I've watched a few of these shows to be aware of what my daughters and students are watching. I want to be culturally literate, but I just need a sampling, not a steady diet of such shows to be knowledgeable about this trend.

As radical as it sounds, for the most part I'd say we shouldn't watch reality television. In fact, there aren't many healthy options on TV—period. Part of television's intent is to create discontent. The whole point is to bring an audience to the advertisers, and they're bent on convincing us we're not whole without their product. Often we just assume television is okay because most Christians watch it. But I don't think we should only be concerned about what our kids watch. We need to constantly ask ourselves about the shows we watch, What does this breed in me that I don't want bred?

Camerin welcomes your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com

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Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today's Christian Woman magazine. Click here for reprint information on Today's Christian Woman. January/February 2004, Vol. 26, No. 1, Page 50

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