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Dating Hiatus
Six singles share why they took time off from romance
March 31, 2004
After the break-up of my 20-year marriage, I was devastated. At my pastor's advice, I didn't date for one year. It was hard because that was the first thing I wanted to do to fill the void. But instead, I started attending a Christian-based support group. While intentionally not dating, my relationship with God grew stronger and I learned many things about myself. I realize now that if I'd dated again sooner I probably would have chosen someone a lot like my ex-husband, who made the decision to end our 20-year marriage. I can see now why 75 percent of second marriages end in divorce. I also discovered there are things I could have done long before my marriage ended to make it stronger. If I'd been in a dating relationship in those first few years after my divorce, I know I never would have taken the time to discover these things.
Through the program "Divorce Care Workshop," I learned intentional singleness is the best way to heal and discover so much about myself. When we're married, we become one, and when we divorce, part of us goes with the other person. We don't have the emotional energy to offer and we can't give 100 percent to someone else for companionship until we're whole again.
It's been four years since I became single again. I'm praying for God's will in my life. If that means I'll get remarried, great. If not, so be it. I can honestly say that because of my intentional singleness, I'm well on my way to being healthy and whole again. And I'm trusting God for my future.
Marianne
After my Christian fiancé ended our engagement in a very painful way, I was so heartbroken I actually dated a non-Christian for a brief time. Thankfully, I terminated that sinful relationship and decided to take a one-year hiatus from dating. It was the best thing I ever did because it allowed me the chance to get to know myself better. The biggest benefit? Realizing I'm not married not because I don't have a choice, but because I have choices. And, most importantly, because I've made some wise choices. I simply haven't found the "right" man to commit to. This truth is very empowering and a great boost to my self-confidence—and my trust in God.
Anna
When I learned that my boyfriend was cheating on me, we broke up. Right after that, my brother told me it was time for me to focus on myself for a while. He knew I'd spent the last six months bending over backwards for my boyfriend. A Christian counselor I began seeing agreed with my brother and encouraged me to focus on healing. Other priorities included building up my relationship with God again, investing in and being encouraged by all the other meaningful relationships in my life (family, friends, mentors, etc.), and finding enjoyment in my interests again. It was seven months until I considered dating again, and was more than a year after my break-up that I chose to enter another serious dating relationship.
The hiatus was so helpful and refreshing. I don't usually date much, since I enjoy being single—the independence, the fun I have being spontaneous or getting lost in activities I find interesting, the time I can pour into those things and into non-romantic relationships, the peace I feel knowing God is always with me and that nobody is there to distract my attention from him. These things are what I love about being single, and what helped me to heal and enjoy the time I took off from dating.
Dana
Recently I decided to move on from a relationship of five months. Painful as it was, I've had a comforting peace ever since. At the time, I figured I hadn't heard from God correctly concerning the woman I'd been dating. However, as time has gone by, I've now seen my situation in a different light and realize we both need some work. In separating us, God has shown me where I need to grow. My supposed need to date was misdirected, as I needed to put God first in all things. I'd made the mistake of putting the woman I'd been dating first. I look now on this whole thing as a great learning experience. As I learn from my mistakes and successes, I become more well-rounded in Christ to finally become what every godly woman wants—a godly man who puts Christ first in all things.
Fred
I'm a single mom, and several years ago I went through a series of bad relationships and then changed churches. I was feeling hurt, alone, and abandoned. As I got involved in the singles ministry at the new church and made some good Christian friends, both male and female, I realized that even though I'd been a Christian from a young age, my focus was on a relationship with a man instead of my relationship with God. I finally realized that my desire for a romantic relationship had become an idol to me. It was my main focus—my life didn't feel complete without a man by my side. And it didn't really matter who that man was, any man would do. I was pulling farther away from God and totally losing myself in the process.
Once I made this realization, I chose to decline any requests for dates for a while to figure out who I was and to focus on growing my relationship with Christ. It was a difficult decision because even with people around I felt lonely, unloved, and incomplete. But, I grew tremendously in my walk with Christ, in my relationship with my children, and in my knowledge of myself during that time. I came to realize that I'd dated several men just to have a date, and that they were nothing like the kind of man with whom I really wanted to spend time. In fact, now I'm almost embarrassed at some of my past choices for dates. When my focus was on always having a date, I didn't realize how blind that made me, or the harm I was doing to myself or my relationship with my children.
I've dated on and off since then, but now my focus is on growing closer to God, and having a date is no longer a necessity. I still desire to have a relationship a wonderful Christian man and eventually to get married again, however it's no longer the driving force of my life. With Christ back in first place, I've found it easier to say "no" to dates with men who aren't the kind of person I want to spend time with, even though that sometimes means I'll go through dating dry spells. I'm grateful that I now realize there's so much more to life than to lose my identity, my relationship with my children, and my walk with Christ just for the sake of having a man by my side.
R.
I'm a never-been-married single mom with a 15-year-old daughter. When she was younger, I did quite a bit of dating in hopes of finding Mr. Right for both of us and in hopes of having more children before my biological clock struck midnight. However, I have yet to find Mr. Right, and my clock has indeed "struck midnight" as I had a hysterectomy last year.
Thankfully, I realized I have an example of purity to set for my daughter, and I have so few years left with her as my "child." With these truths in mind, I decided to give these years to her. I'd never be able to reclaim the years with her that I'd miss if I spent them in search of the "right" man. My daughter's is a fantastic person, and I really enjoy being with her. She's a unique teenager in that she also enjoys being with me and actually wants me around. I work fulltime nights as a nurse, and I homeschool her. We also take a ballet class together four days a week. I have more fun with my daughter than I ever have on any date.
I've also come to believe that I'm better off single than with "Mr. Wrong." I've never been one of those women who feels I must be attached to a man, but I've desired to be married as long as I can remember. Several years ago, I prayed for either a husband or contentment in being single, and God has answered with contentment. I have the rest of my life to date and get married, and I still hope to do that. However, I hope to pursue such a relationship for wiser, healthier reasons than I used to. Now I truly want a life partner, not just someone to be the father of my children. I know now that unless the man improves the great life I already have, I'm better off single.
I wouldn't go back and have a child without a husband again, but God has made this difficult journey one full of blessings. And he's helped me every step of the way.
Kelley
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