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Independence Daze
by Camerin Courtney
July 14, 2004
"Do you need some help?"
I was carrying two bags of trash from my third-story apartment to the dumpster outside, and one of my male neighbors had reached the front door at the same time as me.
I met his gentlemanly offer of assistance with a genuine smile and breezy "Thanks!" Then I and my twin Hefty bags carefully navigated our way around him as he politely held open the door.
Later that day I gratefully watched my friend Tim install my mondo-heavy window-unit air conditioner. He hefted; I moved things out of his way. He wielded his cordless screwdriver; I stood by in silent tool envy. He wedged a block of wood in the window as a final securing touch; I clapped my admiration and appreciation.
I relay these stories to show that I can accept help from the male of the species. Really. I also share them as exhibits A and B in my case of confusion over being labeled "too independent" by several other males of the species. I've heard this specific accusation from male friends of mine, and I've also been a general recipient of this indictment from male readers of this column who write in to complain about women being "too independent these days."
Too independent? In some ways that seems like a contradiction to me. Like being too tidy or too happy. What's so wrong with it? Aren't there like a gazillion worse things to be too much of?
Sure, I admit one of the best lessons I learned in my twenties is that too much of an "I'll do it myself" attitude can lead to a lonely existence—lots of solo accomplishments and no one to admire them or share them with. I now view asking for help not as a sign of weakness, but as a sign of wisdom about my abilities and limitations and about the beauty of interdependence.
And I'll admit that over a decade of having to fend for myself has prompted me to meet a few offers of "Can I help you with that?" with a confident, "No thanks, I've got it." Though I can't expect the polite offerers to know this, my main motivation for that response is more habit than raging independence. I'm just used to hefting, schlepping, opening, and fixing things for myself. And I'm trying to step back and graciously accept these offers more often than not.
I also recognize that women's roles have shifted markedly over the past generation or two. In my parents' generation, most women went right from their father's home to their husband's home. Their educational and work choices were somewhat limited. I was shocked when I heard my mom explain that when she went to college, the main options for women were nursing, education, and home economics. Mere decades ago, women's financial, professional, relational, and political security rested mainly in the hands of their husband. I often forget that my ability to have a career and ministry pursuits, an existence several states away from my parents, my own car and solo apartment, my own bank account and 401K are largely new freedoms.
It stands to reason that all these changes and advances also have affected the way men and women relate with one another. Some women say men are intimidated by the strides we've made as a gender, by the new-and-improved modern woman who enters relationships with more education, financial freedom, work experience, and yes, independence to offer. Instead of intimidated, I'd like to think (or at least hope) men are simply confused about how to relate to us in these changing roles.
Another key lesson of my twenties is that men need to feel needed. By and large they like to have a specific role to fill, a specific task to perform. And with women filling more roles and performing more tasks on their own, I can see how that would lead to confusion in men … as well as lead them to leave our circles to go off in search of places where there are roles to fill and tasks to perform.
But this departure, and the dating dearth and postponement of marriage that surely are somewhat related to this trend, have forced me and my female counterparts to be even more independent. Not always because we want to be, but sometimes because we have to be. As a never-married 30something, I'm not going to sit back and let everything from my finances to my temperamental toilet go untended. I'm going to learn these new skills, make advancements in my career, buy my own car and condo, invest in a retirement plan. Putting life on hold until marriage doesn't seem like a good or God-honoring option.
Plus, I'd like to think these strides, skills, and accomplishments are good things when it comes to romantic relationships. Look at all the extra things I and my female counterparts bring to the table now. Men don't have to carry the weight of our security and identity anymore. Surely that's a welcome relief.
But instead of being seen as more well-rounded and less needy, often I'm just called too independent. And I'm not even exactly sure what that means. Am I supposed to still be living at home? Am I supposed to leave stuff around my apartment that breaks in a state of disrepair instead of going in search of my wrench or duct tape? Am I supposed to pass up a church leadership opportunity so that a man can fill it instead? Am I supposed to ask for assistance each time I need to heft my groceries up the three flights of stairs to my apartment? What does a "just right" level of independence look like?
Just because I do many things for myself doesn't mean I wouldn't gladly step aside and let a man do some of these things for me. I recognize there are things men are, on average, better at than women. I welcome their skills, abilities, know-how, strength, and intelligence. In fact, I'd be their biggest cheerleader and admirer in these things if we could simply find a way to come together and become a mutually beneficial "we."
Even if I would go so far as to say I don't need a man, wouldn't it be enough that I still want one in my life? Isn't a peer better than a "cling-on"? Isn't it a good thing that women now come with financial independence, careers, greater intelligence, and possibly even a few power tools?
To be honest, there are moments when I'm a bit tired of being both the woman and man in my household, of having to be an expert—or at least competent—at everything that needs to be done. I'm guessing guys are too. Surely we who understand how the Body of Christ is supposed to function—as people offering our gifts and strengths to the common, interdependent whole—can figure this out.
At times I suspect "women are too independent" is a cop out for men, much in the same way "men are intimidated by modern women" is for women. While there are probably kernels of truth in both statements, neither comes close to acknowledging the sociological, demographic, and relational changes afoot when it comes to gender roles. Maybe it's time we all dropped our excuses, however valid or not they may be, and together try to navigate a new healthy way for men and women to relate to one another.
So here I am admitting I need help. I need help from men to understand what "too independent" means and what I can do differently to let you know I really do value your strengths, abilities, and assistance. (Really, I'm hoping you'll e-mail me and let me know.) I need those of you who are wary of these changes to even consider it a good thing that women bring more to the table in relationships these days. I need the women who take these new freedoms to the extreme and who live by an "I don't need no man" attitude to rethink how you view our brothers.
And I need God's help, to know how to navigate these tricky waters, how to respect others even in the midst of frustration, when to be strong and when to lean on others, when to stride ahead and when to stand back and applaud the menfolk in my life.
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Camerin welcomes your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com
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