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Men Behaving Badly, Women Being Idiots
by Camerin Courtney
November 3, 2004
It's had women dumping their boyfriends in droves, discussing their sudden romantic epiphanies on national TV, and parting with $19.95 faster than you can say "the next big thing." I've heard it discussed on the Today show, Oprah, and one of the most popular radio stations in Chicago. It's that new book, He's Just Not That Into You.
When I saw the male-female author duo (she a waifishly vulnerable Sex and the City writer, he a metrosexual uber-gelled Sex and the City consultant) on the Today show for the second time to discuss their book—along with one of the single female NBC production assistants spilling her relational guts about how this tome had inspired her to break-up with her "boyfriend" and had revolutionized her dating life—I knew I had to get a copy and see what all the fuss was about.
No, considering the authors' résumés I didn't think I'd find any foundational truths on which to base my dating life. But considering they've sold about a gabillion copies of their book, I needed to see the impetus for the relational revolution for myself.
I'll be honest, I didn't get much further than the table of contents. Why? Well, I couldn't get past the chapter titles: He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out, He's Just Not That Into You If He's Having Sex With Someone Else, He's Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants to See You When He's Drunk, He's Just Not That Into You If He's Breaking Up With You, He's Just Not That Into You If He's Married.
This is what all the fuss was about?! Men behaving badly doesn't equal men who are interested in you? Umm … duh! This was the source of the revolution?
I thought back to the woman on the Today show and Matt Lauer asking her if she really hadn't recognized her paramour's non-committal antics as a bad sign before reading the book. Her response was something akin to: "I think deep down I knew it wasn't a good sign, wasn't a good relationship, I just didn't want to face that truth."
That seemed to be the running theme of all the guests talking about the book on radio and TV shows, and of the women quoted throughout the book: Women making excuses for their love interest's bad/noncommittal/aloof/jerky behavior. Whatever happened to the modern gutsy, independent chick? I wondered. What's with all these women? I questioned, a bit incredulous and more than a smidge smug.
And then I remembered Jay.
Jay was a guy in a singles group I belonged to years ago. He was intelligent, godly, charming, and cute in an endearing-math-nerd kind of way. We chatted casually at Bible studies, and I finally got to have a real conversation with him at one of our group's game nights. He eventually invited me to a party at his place, and we fell into regular phone calls and e-mails.
I was smitten; he—it took me a while to realize—was elusive. He invited me to the parties he and his roommates hosted, but rarely had one-on-one conversations with me there. He talked with me for hours at a time on the phone, but barely said two sentences to me when we'd see each other at our singles group gatherings. He invited me to a mutual friend's party, then spent most of the night chatting up other girls once we got there. Finally, when he went with me to a friend's wedding—almost as a favor—then spent ten minutes on a cell phone call from another female in our group while we were there, I'd had it.
It finally dawned on me—after more months than I care to admit—that although he'd shown all kinds of interest in me and my life, beliefs, family, opinions, and feelings in private, we'd never been on anything resembling a date. I called him on it. He got all squirmy and pled the "I don't date" defense. I, reluctantly, finally, walked away from the mess. And nine months later he was engaged to an ex-girlfriend.
Months later, with that annoyingly accurate hindsight, I was appalled at how long it took me to see the light with this guy. As the book says, he just wasn't that into me. Why was that so difficult to see and accept? Why is something that's so blaringly obvious in someone else's love life so hard to see in our own? Why do we become like characters in scary movies who insist on checking out that creepy noise upstairs despite the whole audience bleating out in a desperate stage-whisper, "Don't go up there!"
But then, I guess that answer's pretty obvious, too. We live in a romance-soaked, paired-off world. We were wired for relationships, to love and be loved. There's nothing like the rush of a new romance. And when you haven't had any signs of interest, let alone a date, for some time, even scraps or cheap imitations of kindling love interest can seem like something worth nursing and coaxing into anything remotely resembling a flame.
It makes me sad that we women especially seem susceptible to the temptation to settle for crumbs of interest or crummy treatment in relationships. After all, a She's Just Not That Into You seems laughable. That's not to say that guys are the only ones doling out bad treatment in relationships or that they aren't capable of good treatment and the ability to commit. I'm sure this has a lot to do with women's need for security, our God-given nesting instincts, self-esteem issues, and a myriad other things that everyone from sociologists to Doctor Phil have tried to explain and remedy over the years.
I was at a singles conference recently and during a man-panel discussion attended by dozens of single women wanting a peek into the male mind, one of the guys—the only married one—seemed especially emphatic about making sure we knew we're worth more than He's Just Not That Into You treatment. "My wife has several single friends and sometimes I watch them go out with these doofuses who treat them like dirt, and I just want to pull them aside and say, 'What are you doing? You're worth so much more than this.' And all of you are too," he said, making just about every woman in the room sit just a bit taller in her seat. What a great role we singles—male and female—can play in each other's lives: reminding one another that we're worth holding out for the real deal.
Personally, I know I'm much more susceptible to relational idiocy when I've spent more time marinating in our romance-obsessed culture and not enough reading up on real love. We so often reserve 1 Corinthians 13 for wedding readings, but how often do we singles need to be reminded that love is patient and kind and not envious, boastful, proud, or self-seeking. Armed with such truth, we're much less likely to fall for any cheap love knock-offs.
And probably the best antidote to this relational settling is being filled up with perfect love. The kind that casts out all fears, that was offered to us first and when we were still wretched messes. Love that's unconditional, sacrificial, unending. Love that comes from the One who knit you together in your mother's womb, who knows the number of hairs on your head, who gathers your every tear in a bottle, and who's etched you on the palms of his hands. And why does he do all these things? Because he's just that into you.
Camerin welcomes your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com
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