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A Letter to Myself in a Future Singleness Funk
by Camerin Courtney
February 16, 2005
Dear Me,
First of all, I'm sorry. If you've come to this file named "In Case of Singleness Stinks Day, Read This," it means you're in a funk. Even though I'm not currently in that place, I know it's hard and I'm sorry for your pain.
It could be any number of things that triggered this funk—a breakup, another Me Night, a helpless feeling when you couldn't reach the light fixture on your nine-foot ceilings to change a burnt-out bulb, an insensitive comment about your singleness, a long day at the end of which you just wanted a hug, a wedding invite to which you have absolutely no idea whom to bring with you—or possibly it was nothing more than waking up. I know sometimes these things just happen.
Since you're funkified, I also know you're likely not thinking altogether rationally. You need a balanced perspective, a pep talk, and some wise advice, none of which you're of right mind to provide for yourself. So that's why now, when I'm in a good place regarding my singleness, I've jotted down a few thoughts.
First, a snapshot of the view from here: The Me Night I had last Friday wasn't lonely, but was needed time to myself. Because I was alone, I was able to take a bit of a gamble and rent an obscure comedy, which turned out to be delightful. Also because I was alone, I laughed louder, hogged the couch, and paused the flick selfishly for every needed coffee refill or bathroom break. I may have even done a little dance to the Spanish music during the closing credits. Thankfully, no one was there to roll their eyes.
The Girls Night Out with four single friends the following evening felt like a meeting of our own little secret society, where everyone knows the lingo, the trials, and the joys. Where everyone just understands. After a funny flick, we hit a local restaurant, where the waiter flirted openly with us, because that's what you do with a table full of single girls. We split appetizers and desserts, and shared intriguing conversations about whether God has us single on purpose or whether it's a byproduct of cultural shifts and trends. The talk was stimulating, the women at the table dynamic, accomplished gals, two of whom are in the process of going back to school to pursue new ministry directions or higher degrees. Because right now, they can do so fairly easily.
Right now, riding alone in my car practically everywhere I go seems like my own private space to have heart-to-hearts with God, to hear my thoughts or talk them through to conclusions, or simply to sing my heart out with the radio or to the latest worship song floating through my brain. My solo home feels like my little haven from the outside world. A place where I am queen, chief decorator, social director, and guest. A place where I chat aloud with God in the shower, at the sink while washing dishes, in bed before falling asleep in the very middle of my queen-size mattress.
Right now, being able to chat endlessly with my single male friends without worrying about boundaries and appropriateness is a wonderful blessing. Being able to flirt with a variety of men is a thrill. Walking into a roomful of people and wondering if I'll meet a special someone there, and being able to lock eyes with an intriguing stranger for a few seconds, these are exciting adventures. Knowing that if there's a love of my life, I still get to experience meeting him for the first time, going on our first date, and enjoying our first kiss feels like blissful promise. I am a story unfolding, and some of the juiciest parts are yet to come.
When I was recently visiting out-of-state friends and heard of one woman's work against the global sex-trafficking trade and another's work to help women in the persecuted church worldwide, both talked of the unprecedented power and influence women in America have right now. I felt empowered to make a difference in my own little corner of the world, and felt freer to do so in my single state. When God nudged me in the direction of an immigrant family from Yugoslavia in my community, I realized I'm free to chat into the evening with them over their dangerously strong coffee because I have no one to hurry home to. I'm able to give them rides and to go see the daughter's basketball game next week because I have no family of my own to cheer for or chauffeur. Today these things aren't lonely, but liberating.
You might not believe me, but because I've been where you are now, all of these things are that much sweeter today. I know Singleness Rocks days aren't a given, so when they come around, I savor them. I remember a mentor saying once that the well that's carved by heartache can later be filled with the same depth of joy. Thankfully, I've experienced that to be true. So know that this well you feel you've tumbled into won't always be filled with pain.
I know you and I know you're probably catastrophizing and blaming any number of ills on your single state right now. If you can, take a step back and realize that some, if not most, of these things are simply a result of our fallen world. Bad days come. Funks happen. Jesus even told us, "In this world you will have trouble" (John 16:33). (You can't say you weren't warned!) But this is true for singles and marrieds. Don't fall, even subconsciously, for the lie that if only you weren't single, everything would be fine.
Remember the conversation you had with that married woman from church the other day. The one who always looks so together, with her two kids and husband who serves in many leadership roles in the church. Remember how she said that though she loves her husband, it's not always been an easy road for them. That she envies the freedom her single friends have to travel, to buy 12 pairs of black shoes without justifying it to anyone, to have five minutes to ourselves to think. When I tried to balance her perspective by saying, "I totally hear what you're saying. We do have great stuff in this stage of life. But 12 pairs of black shoes won't keep you company on a Friday night; they don't exactly take the place of a life partner." Don't you dare forget how she said, "Well, trust me, there are days I'd gladly take the 12 pairs of shoes." She wasn't dissing her husband, and I'm not bashing married life, this is just a reminder that it's no cakewalk either. Single life is tough. Married life is tough. Life is tough. You're likely experiencing that latter truth the most.
Though it seems trite, the truth you probably need to hear most is that this too shall pass. Remember, I've been where you are. And now I'm in a good place. Now is your time to weep, but eventually it will be your time to laugh. Now it's your time to mourn, but soon it will be your time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3: 4). So pray with the psalmist, "My times are in your hands" (Psalm 31:15), and try your best to lean into God, trusting his steadfastness and faithfulness. The place you're currently at is where he meets us best. Where we grow the most. Where we can experience his presence in the most meaningful way. If only we'll let him.
Until you get to the time for laughing and dancing, you know what to do. Peruse your thanksgiving journal for reminders of God's past faithfulness. Find new things, no matter how small or seemingly trivial, to be thankful for each day. Read Psalm 30. If it's slipped from thought, memorize it again. Pour out all your angst, frustration, or heartache to God. If you don't make him your ally, it's all too easy for him to become your adversary, to blame him. And that's an even worse place than where you are now. Go ahead and be angry with him, if need be. He can handle it. Just make sure to listen on the other side of your tirade. You may be surprised by his response. There may be things he needs to challenge you on, things you're doing or not doing that triggered this funk. Or he may just quiet you with his love (Zephaniah 3:17).
Call two friends. One who'll play with you, who'll cheer you into a brighter mood with an authentically upbeat outlook on life. Go have fun with this person. The better mood will follow. And also call a friend or two who'll pray for you. When times are really tough, sometimes we need to follow the example of the paralyzed man who was lowered through the roof by his friends to get to Jesus (Luke 5:17-20). Sometimes, when we're too weak, we need others to carry us to him. That's what Christian community is for. Use it.
Help someone else. I know you feel like you have little to offer right now, but meeting someone else's need will remind you of how much you really do have to give. You'll get this needed perspective, as well as the rush that comes from serving others. And someone else will be blessed in the process.
Finally, cling to what you know to be true: God is crazy about you and he is sovereign. Even if these things don't feel true or seem like enough right now, hang on to these truths for dear life. He calls you his masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10), he has etched you on the palms of his hands (Isaiah 49:16), and he assures you nothing can separate you from his life-altering love (Romans 8:38): "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Nor will singleness nor any related funks. Really. Hallelujah.
Camerin welcomes your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com
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