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I like to think it's possible for exes to maintain a healthy friendship after the breakup. I've seen examples of this in my friends' and parents lives. Just the other day, a coworker told me about the friendships she's maintained for years after breaking up with her ex-boyfriends. In fact, one ex-boyfriend became such a good friend that he eventually introduced her to her husband of ten years. Similarly, after my parents divorced and then each remarried, they maintained friendships with each other and their new spouses. I grew up hearing (and still hear today) how remarkable it is that all four of my parents get along so well. They live in different states and even stay at each other's houses when visiting each other.

Although I've seen this happen in others' lives, it hasn't happened in my own, despite my efforts. When trying to continue a friendship with a recent ex-boyfriend, it seemed we always fell back into the romantic relationship we once had. Finally, we decided to not see or talk to each other at all. This has been one of the hardest things I've ever done! But I understand how difficult it can be to draw a line between friendship and a romantic relationship. I think some people are better able to draw this line and walk it than others. I guess it's a personal, case-by-case situation. I've learned it can be done, but only when both people are committed to the relationship, however they define it.

JoAnna

My ex-wife and I were divorced 12 years ago, and she got remarried 9 years ago. Right after the remarriage, our two girls lived with my ex and her new husband. Sadly, my ex had four or five stepdads throughout her childhood, so she thought I would be out of the picture. Wrong! Two weeks after she remarried, and after listening to all sorts of garbage about the kids now having a family, I sat both her and her husband down and told them, "I divorced you, not the kids. They're my children too, and I will be involved in their lives. Both of you are obligated to keep me informed about what's happening with them. You don't have to like it, but you'll live with it. I'm their dad, I will be involved!"

Today, my ex, her husband, and I are close friends. When he had back surgery, he even asked me to come to the hospital and pray for him. Yes, in the beginning it was difficult and awkward. But if I'm going to live out the Gospel message as fully as possible, then it makes sense that we should work together around the children. Now that they're older and grandchildren are beginning to enter the picture, being friends with my ex is easier for all of us.

So in my case, it works. Yet I fully understand I may be the exception rather then the rule. I believe the key point is the children; both parents should be involved in their children's lives as much as possible.

Denny

Remaining friends may be good right after the breakup, considering you don't have closure yet and are trying to get over the fact that you've broken up. However, once you've healed, move on and stop talking to the person. Face it, it's over! There's no need to keep a relationship with your ex if you're not going to be in a relationship with him or her. If you stay in contact, it only hurts the person you may date or marry in the future. Why take any chances with making your future spouse jealous? There are enough forces against marriage, why start a new relationship with old baggage?

Laura

I believe you can be friends with your ex, but the relationship has to be managed wisely. I'm great friends with one of my ex-boyfriends; we dated for five years before he got married. I'm also friends with his wife and "aunt" to his sons. Our friendship started when we both became Christians, and he's now like an older brother to me. Of course I'm wise enough to include his wife in our friendship, because I don't believe you should be friends with married people of the opposite gender without being friends with their spouse as well.

When forming friendships with exes, it's important to let God lead you. If you begin to feel any spark again, take a step back and re-evaluate whether you should continue the friendship. If the ex is married and you start to feel the spark again, flee! And I don't think you should try to remain friends with all your exes. Some things are better left in the past.

Kelechi

I've been divorced for seven years. My ex and I have an excellent relationship; our focus is our two sons. As far as labeling our relationship a friendship, I feel it doesn't fit. We aren't friends. We don't hang out together or converse about personal things. We got divorced because we couldn't even be friends, let alone husband and wife.

Now as parents, that's a different topic. We're great parents. In the divorce process, we consciously chose to put our sons' needs and feelings first. We've worked very hard at keeping our two homes consistent in love and discipline for the boys. We're both equally involved in our sons' lives and continually demonstrate and communicate our love to them.

Our hard work has paid off. We have two of the most grounded, well-adjusted, loving sons a parent could dream of. We thank God for that.

Patricia

I dated a guy off and on for six years. Our final break-up was difficult, especially for him, because while I was waiting around for him to be ready to make a commitment, I found someone else who was willing to do so. My ex-boyfriend didn't handle my dating another guy well. As much as I thought we could keep up a great friendship—after all, over the six years we dated we developed a strong, tell-all best friendship—it just didn't work. Every conversation resulted in an argument over my decision, him expressing his feelings of hurt, guilt, and loneliness, and then both of us crying over our breakup. I was left feeling utterly confused, and sometimes hurt by what he said. Needless to say, being friends at that point was completely unhealthy.

I don't think you can tell someone, "No, you shouldn't try to maintain a friendship with your ex," or "Yes, you should try to maintain a friendship with your ex. "A lot of factors influence this decision, and everyone needs to assess their situation before deciding how to proceed.

If there wasn't a strong friendship within the relationship, I think it's difficult to try to be friends after breaking up. If the friendship was strong, I think it's necessary to have some space before trying to be friends. The biggest obstacle is stopping yourselves from acting like more than friends. Also, if the breakup was hard on one or both people, you need to wait for the pain to heal. You can't heal if you keep opening the wound.

Two years later, I'm finally good friends with my ex-boyfriend. I got hurt a lot along the way, as did he. When he was ready to move on and start seriously dating other girls, our friendship finally re-emerged. He even recently called me for relationship advice, and offered me some in return.

Is it possible to remain friends with an ex? Yes. Is it for everyone? No. Can it be healthy? Yes, but only if you're careful and evaluate your conversations or time together to make sure it's more helpful than harmful.

Melissa

I don't think being friends with your ex is a good idea. Forgiveness is one thing. Of course we need to forgive. But usually there are kids involved and future relationships at stake. The kids get confused, and so do the future men and women you'll try to date. It's much better and easier to cut the relational chord with the ex—for everyone's sake, including your own.

Laura

I'm single-again at 46, with two teenagers at home and an ex-husband who moved 1,200 miles away to re-marry. Although I was hurt and angry when he decided to move, I made the effort to remain on friendly terms for the benefit of our children.

I absolutely advise trying to be on friendly terms if children are involved. It takes a great amount of courage and maturity on everyone's part—yours, your ex's, and any new spouses—to make this happen, but it's so important for the health and well-being of the kids. Regardless of how the split came about, you and your ex will always be parents together. I had a choice—to hate the woman my ex-husband married and live with anger (which rubs off on the kids), or to realize that whether I like it or not, she's my children's stepmom, and now part of the family. I decided to talk with her about supporting each other in things related to the kids, and I continue to do my best to maintain a tone of cooperation and peace.

I made this decision based on two experiences I've had. One was watching my parents divorce when I was 24. They were angry at each other for so long and still can't be in the same room together, forcing me to choose between them for every family function. Even as an adult, I was greatly affected by their unwillingness to forgive and move forward for the sake of their loved ones.

My second experience was watching my best friend's parents divorce. Her mom remarried, but she and her ex-husband made the choice to respect each other and realize they're still family to their children. The children felt loved, valued, and respected despite the parents' split.

So I asked myself which scenario I want for my children. Which bears the fruit of peace, joy, and love?

As I said, it takes great maturity and courage to choose the latter route. And it requires constant effort, but it's well worth it in the long run. Like it or not, the ex and his wife are, and will be, a part of my life as long as we're all involved with the lives of our children. With kids, the relationship is for life. So why not try to be friends?

Name withheld

I don't think it's impossible for a couple to stay friends after they break up. I wish my ex-boyfriend and I were still friends. We dated for three years. He knew me like no one else did, and I am who I am today in large part because of what I learned from him. Though we endured a lot of suffering, we had the greatest times together as well. This is both why I wish we were still friends, and why we never can be.

Our breakup was a soap opera of betrayal, deception, and pain. The heartbreak felt like decay in my blood. Everything I knew and wanted vanished. And even though I moved across the country to get away from him, the memories linger.

The breakup incapacitated me, but his hasty marriage to someone new six weeks later devastated me. Mind you, I'd moved out of our place after being convicted that God would never bless us or our marriage unless we obeyed his Word. Staying friends with my ex, even staying in the same city, would have held me back from the new, good plans God had for me and my life.

Friendship after an intimate relationship may be possible for some people, but in my case I feel like Lot's wife—looking back on the devastation would only bring more destruction. So instead of looking back, I look to God.

Name withheld

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