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Crushed
Five singles share how they've handled attraction to married people.
August 17, 2005
A Powerful Daydream
I began having romantic feelings for a married man about 12 years ago. He's a godly man with whom I have a great deal of contact at church. We have many similar interests and talents, which has resulted in our being involved in many of the same ministries. Although I know we're friends, I don't believe he's ever had any idea about my feelings.
I admit when I first realized I had these feelings, I celebrated them. Then I lamented the fact that he, being ten years older than me, had met and started dating his wife when I was still a child, thereby never giving me a chance to stake a claim. I indulged in daydreams where we were free to be together, including one, I blush to admit, in which his wife had conveniently died, leaving me to bring joy and love back into his life. But I never let it get beyond the point of dreaming. Whenever we were together at meetings or rehearsals, I never let any sign of my feelings show. However, I allowed these dreams free reign until one Sunday coffee hour when, in the course of a casual conversation, his wife and I discovered a mutual interest in collecting classic children's books. She jokingly told me she'd leave me her collection in her will, and my first thought was I'd rather you left me your husband.
I don't know why, but that stray thought convicted me of the inappropriateness and downright sinfulness of reveling in my attraction. I began to pray daily to be delivered of what had become my obsession. It hasn't been easy and I haven't always been successful. There are times when I see him and still feel a slight flutter. One thing that helped was forging a friendship with his wife and seeing that part of what makes him so great is her influence. Another was to change my perception of the situation and to tell myself the qualities I found so attractive in him are qualities that other more available men also possess. Some day, if God sees fit, I'll find someone—a single someone—who has those qualities and wants to share them with me.
Name withheld
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Clear Boundaries
A while ago, I'd strayed away from God, was surrounded by ungodly men, and didn't practice healthy boundaries. Now that I'm back in relationship with Christ, I desire a godly husband—and that desire is strong. God showed me it's OK to admire godly men and OK to desire to be with one. But he's had to help me keep those desires pointed towards available men, practice healthy boundaries, and purify my thoughts.
Here are the boundaries I now practice:
- Any guy that's dating or engaged, I consciously picture as married. They might as well be; they're "taken."
- When e-mailing engaged or married men, I add their spouse's name to the greeting, and try my best to never e-mail something that could be taken out of context by the spouse. This helps keep the boundary real in my mind.
- When leaving a phone message, I always add a "Say hi to …" or "I hope you both have a great week." This helps me remember this person is in a relationship, and it's a way of showing respect to his partner.
- I always leave at least one seat between a "taken" man and myself. I need that physical boundary. It's a conscious effort to respect the sanctity of his relationship with another and to avoid temptation.
- I'm training myself to turn to prayer quickly when facing temptation. I ask God to protect the man he's preparing for me. I pray for God to help him resist temptation and for other women not to tempt him.
Has God purified my thoughts? Yes! Praise Him! He's reassured me through the Holy Spirit that he knows what I long for. Asking for that reassurance brings my focus back to God and off the person in front of me. Also, God challenged me to prepare counter-attack Scriptures for whenever temptation comes along. His Word has wonderful promises.
Keren
The Slippery Slope
A few months after a non-Christian, married coworker started working with me, I noticed I was attracted to her. That Christmas I prayed that she and her husband would grow close and that God would use me to show them his truth and love.
After our Christmas break, I saw she wasn't wearing her wedding ring. A mutual friend said my interest's husband had said "something mean" to her over the break. I spent the next three months growing in the expectation that soon there would be a divorce,she would be free, and I would have a chance at her.
After three months, I noticed things she mentioned about her family didn't jive with someone getting divorced. I was able to ask some innocent questions and discovered there was a medical reason she wasn't wearing her ring; there was no divorce forthcoming. At that point, I had a choice. I could flee or I could decide to become a better friend so I could help her and her husband become closer. I chose the latter and spent the next three months doing everything I could to win her confidence.
Mid-year I had to finally admit to myself that I loved her,but I rationalized it by saying I wasn't "in love" with her. About that same time I noticed she was becoming unusually friendly with me. At the end of that week, she came on to me.
I chose to ignore the incident, but it didn't ignore me. My emotions bounced between believing I did the right thing and wanting to relive the incident and take her up on her offer. Our relationship soured after that, and now we have an uneasy acquaintance-ship. I still battle my emotions weekly.
So what did I do wrong? 1) I allowed myself to become emotionally involved with a married woman. 2) I allowed myself to become emotionally involved with a non-Christian. 3) I didn't "flee youthful lusts" as Paul admonishes 2 Timothy 2:22. 4) I didn't confront her when she came on to me. 5) I wasn't accountable to anyone. 6) Most of all, I deceived myself. I honestly believed these wrong feelings were OK because this was different and special. I was wrong.
Name withheld
The Blessing of Accountability
My married crush is a coworker in a Christian ministry. I'm just coming out of several weeks where I was almost terrified by my feelings. The fact that within the past year our church lost one of our pastors to an affair with his single administrative assistant just added to my anxiety over my feelings, especially since I'm the assistant to my crush.
I've cried out to God to deliver me from these feelings, and to give me the strength and discipline to nip these thoughts in the bud and not dwell on them. It's a struggle.
Here's what's helped me:
-Sharing my feelings with a married woman who asks me tough accountability questions.
-Sharing my feelings with a single girlfriend also in the ministry, who said, "you too?" and reassured me that just about every woman who's worked around him has gone through this and recovered.
-Making an effort to be friends with his wife and children, and asking him regularly about them.
-Praying regularly for his family and his marriage, and kicking him out of the office to go and spend time with them.
-Thinking of him as one of my six brothers.
-Establishing personal boundaries, like never staying late at work on the nights he works late, not grabbing a bite out with him unless others are along, never touching even casually, and not establishing inside jokes.
I certainly grieve for the family of our pastor who fell to temptation, but I'm grateful that it's caused me to see up-close the tremendous pain and loss that unfaithfulness brings. There are NO winners. And seeing their pain and devastation close-up has reaffirmed my convictions and helped me to establish clearer boundaries until this crush passes.
Name withheld
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A Delicate Dance
I've always been really clear on the boundaries when it comes to married men. Not. An. Option. So my feelings surprised me. I hadn't been attracted to Dave when I signed up for dance lessons. It wasn't until after more than a year of spin turns, whirls, feather steps, and head snaps that I realized how much fun I was having, how much I looked forward to those hours on the dance floor, and how much of that had to do with him. Besides the dancing, we laughed a lot and talked a lot and, to quote an old movie, I liked who I was when I was with him.
I was appalled when I realized I was attracted Dave. I couldn't like a married man! My own daydreams about a possible future with Dave always came to a screeching halt. What was I going to do? Kill off his wife in my daydreams to ensure his availability? Divorce them? I knew his wife; I liked her! I just couldn't conveniently dispose of her even if they were only daydreams.
Instead, I started praying for their relationship. I started asking God to take the attraction away and to keep me honest. I told a couple of trusted friends—with chagrin and trembling—and asked them to keep me accountable. I started taking those daydreams captive whenever they showed up and before I got to the point where the wife would have to be dealt with.
Today, I'm still taking lessons. I'm still attracted to Dave. I still like who I am when I'm with him. I still debate on occasion whether or not I need to give up those lessons. I know if I blow the boundaries, I'll have to do that. I like dancing and, having taken lessons from others, I know Dave is one of the better teachers. I don't want to lose that. So, I stay honest with myself, my friends, and God, and I'm maintaining the boundaries. But sometimes after a lesson, I feel like my single state has been highlighted and I'm lonelier than I was before. So far, the dancing is still worth it, but sometimes I wonder.
Name withheld
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